Identity and Cultural Shame in Amy Tan's "Fish Cheeks"

Introduction: Tan's Exploration of Cultural Identity Conflict

In her short story "Fish Cheeks," Amy Tan reveals a childhood experience of a Christmas Eve dinner with a boy she was fond of. During the story, she internalizes racial biases through her embarrassment toward her family and their Chinese way of life. She becomes distressed at the thought of this boy, Robert, feeling negatively toward her due to the unconventional display shown at the dinner. Moreover, using descriptive language, Tan describes her teenage struggle with her culture by contrasting the facets of Chinese and conventional American appearance, food, and behavior, exposing her previous favoritism toward the mainstream way of life.

At the beginning of the story, Tan looks at the appearance of standard Americans with praise and envy, and is consequently conflicted about her own identity. Initially, she explains that Robert is not Chinese but "as white as Mary in the Manger" (1). For her, Robert is the symbol of this mainstream culture, and with this holy image, the fact that he is white is shown to be extremely pure and ideal to her. In addition, she emphasizes that Robert is "not Chinese" and is actually "blond-haired" (1). Combined with the positive image given of this boy, this description shows that she feels this stereotypical American look is much more desirable.

Physical Appearance and the Idealization of Whiteness

Unsatisfied with herself, Tan wishes for a "slim new American nose" (1). In this phrase, she expresses how she adores mainstream America because it represents a fresh, modern culture, while also showing her discontent with her own appearance. Overall, she values the conventional American look because of its association with Robert, and she is unsatisfied with her own look because of this comparison. Beauty standards rooted in race and ethnicity clearly shape her self-perception during these formative years.

Also in this story, Tan stresses how repulsive the Chinese food appeared, displaying another cultural conflict of hers. She describes "appalling mounds of raw food," "rubbery white sponges," and "dried fungus," to be served at dinner that evening (3). The collection of adjectives that depict an unappetizing meal stresses Tan's worry and puts emphasis on the apparent inferiority of this food. Not surprisingly, she does not seem too disgusted by the "roasted turkey and sweet potatoes" that she suggests Robert would expect (2).

Food as Cultural Marker and Source of Shame

With Robert's perfection, this conventional food is presented as far more palatable. However, this judgment is shown to be untrue for Tan when she reveals that her mother had in fact served "all of [her] favorite foods" that night (8). Due to her fear of Robert's opinion, she displayed the food in the unappetizing way she thought he would perceive it, although in reality it was preferred by her. This reveals how shame and social anxiety can distort one's own preferences and self-awareness.

Lastly, Tan displays her problem with her identity by accentuating the apparent sloppy demeanor of the Chinese guests contrasting with the calm manners of Robert and his father. She initializes this claim by describing her worry over her "noisy Chinese relatives who lacked proper American manners" (2). Despite being Chinese herself, Tan still identifies American manners as more proper and is embarrassed by her relatives' mannerisms.

Behavior and Social Manners as Sites of Embarrassment

When dinner started, Tan notices in "despair" that her Chinese relatives "reached across the table" while Robert and his father "waited patiently for platters to be passed to him" (5). To her, these quiet, subdued manners that Robert and his father displayed are more patient and polite; however, in reality, these actions most likely show passivity and a sense of alienation in this unfamiliar setting. Later as the meal was ending, her dad "belched loudly" and she was "stunned into silence for the rest of the night" (6).

Customs such as this she was surely accustomed to, yet any display of culture that night left her in misery. Cultural perspectives shape how we interpret behavior, and Tan's narrator has internalized the dominant culture's judgment of her own family's actions.

Conclusion: Integration of Dual Cultural Identity

In this essay, Tan shows a struggle of her teenage years in which she rejected her ethnic food, appearance, and behavior. Tan illustrates the nature of how love can cloud one's perspective and the importance of one's culture. Blinded by love for Robert, she becomes unhappy with who she is and wants instead to be part of mainstream America. However, as realized by Amy Tan, both one's native and the mainstream cultures are important, and it is possible and necessary to implement both in one's life.