Book Review: The Way We Really Are by Stephanie Coontz

Overview and Enduring Relevance

In her book The Way We Really Are: Coming to Terms with America's Changing Families — partly a continuation of and response to criticism of her earlier book, The Way We Never Were — Stephanie Coontz examines the current state, or, as she suggests would be more accurate, the multiple states, of the American family. A historian by training, Coontz examines family structure from a historical and sociological perspective, noting and clarifying the changes to institutions and perceptions that are currently shaping families and the debates surrounding them. Though written a decade ago, this book still rings true on almost every page, with the issues discussed and the various sides of the argument as recognizable today as they were when first written.

The fact that this book has remained so current signals that the confusion and stagnation Coontz so accessibly describes is still just as present today as it was in the late 1990s, and that little progress has been made in redefining or even understanding the nature of the family in our post-industrial age. It could even be fair to posit that Coontz might think we have taken a step backwards on issues such as same-sex marriage and other familial limitations since this book was first published. One thing that Coontz very consciously does not do, however, is moralize; in fact, moralization is one of the things — perhaps the main thing — that she credits with the warped view of historical family life that many, particularly the political right, hold onto as a cherished dream for the future.

The Myth of the Traditional Family

Her first book dealt more directly with the falsely optimistic and utopian view of the "American Family" through the ages. In this text, as the title suggests, Coontz shifts her attention to the realities that face the American family today. In nine chapters — from "Getting Past the Sound Bites: How History and Sociology Can Help Today's Families" to "The Future of Marriage" to the ominously titled "Working with What We've Got" — Coontz details the historical paths and complex interplays of gender roles, sexuality, economic progression, and "traditional" values that have created the hodgepodge of lifestyles and ideals practiced and adhered to by American families today. The common thread throughout the book, and the main sociological problem Coontz sees in our current concept of what the family is and should be, is an insistent belief that the traditional happy family of the working father, stay-at-home mother, and well-behaved children actually existed at one point and that it created greater societal harmony and personal fulfillment.

Coontz points out the historical and sociological flaws in arguments that rely on this concept of the traditional family, and even reveals some outright deceptions practiced by certain groups — especially conservatives — in touting moral platforms that capitalize on this mistaken image. For example, she notes that "members of groups such as the Council on Families in America claim they are simply expressing a new consensus when they talk about 'reinstitutionalizing enduring marriage,' but in the very next breath they declare that it 'is time to raise the stakes'" (Coontz 78). The hypocrisy she finds in the arguments of these groups is indicative of their disregard for and misrepresentation of historical facts, which Coontz credits with essentially brainwashing the public into wanting a family that never existed.

The book's true aim is not to attack conservative political groups, however. Rather, Coontz asserts that she believes "a historical perspective can help us place our personal relationships into a larger social context" (Coontz 11). She does not promise a cure-all for the family's ills; despite making several qualitative evaluations and recommendations grounded in careful analysis of past and present facts, this volume is anything but a self-help book. The sociology of the family that Coontz practices is empirical and measured, not prescriptive.

Adolescence, Parenting, and Modern Pressures

Keeping that framing in mind, the first chapter does deal with ways to improve today's family, which necessarily includes Coontz's opinions on what the American family's purpose is and what it ought to look like. Though all family and identity issues are highly individualistic, personal, and sensitive — fraught with external pressures — Coontz remains reasonably objective in her overview of what a family is supposed to accomplish. One of those basic responsibilities is the raising of children, a familial role that is difficult to dispute. Citing growing concerns over adolescent behavior, Coontz maintains that "there is no evidence that the majority of today's teenagers are more destructive or irresponsible than in the past," but rather that there is "hard data" suggesting that "young people do better on almost every level when they have meaningful involvement in useful and necessary tasks" (Coontz 13). She goes on to detail how adolescence became an interim period between childhood and adulthood, without any defined expectations or responsibilities, to the detriment of the teenage psyche.

Her tone remains engaging yet unemotional as she describes the shift from the nineteenth century's relatively equal treatment of teens and adults to the twentieth century's growing chasm between the two in issues of personal freedom such as sex and drug use. She also notes the media's influence on the perception of this problem, stating that "what we often call youth culture is actually adult marketers seeking to commercially exploit youthful energy and rebellion" (Coontz 15). This observation speaks to one of the ways in which the situation itself — not merely the perception of it — is actively changing.

If the problem were only one of perception, it would not be difficult to fix. The real issue, however, is that the world is a different place for the current generation of children, teenagers, and adults than it was before. The perceptual difficulties are compounded by this fact: we cannot see the world as it now is because we do not even understand the world as it was. What it was not was as pure and innocent as it is believed to have been, but it is clear that today is less innocent in many respects. Coontz insists that parents' increased fears for their teens are at least partially justified by the rise of sexually transmitted diseases — specifically AIDS — and the increased availability of illicit substances and materials.