emotional intelligence

1. Being Aware of Emotions
Because the counselor’s work depends on emotionally connecting with others, it is important to maintain strict vigilance of one’s own emotions, particularly emotions that correspond to those expressed by clients. Learning to read emotional cues in self and others is an essential emotional intelligence strategy I will incorporate into my work. Starting with myself, being aware of emotions means first tuning into the body. Emotions manifest first as physiological responses to some type of trigger—triggers that include our own thoughts. Instead of labeling the physiological response prematurely, I can simply notice that response for what it is and reframe it with clear intent to unpack what the response represents and how I can manage that response effectively.
When working with others, I can pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal communication cues. Being aware of myself and others helps build my confidence as a professional, which in turn makes me more effective and competent as a counselor (Prikhidko & Swank, 2016). It takes time to develop skills in this area, which is why I need to actively listen in all social situations. Watching the expressions on people’s faces, and listening to their tone of voice are some ways I can become more aware of the emotions expressed beyond what the person is saying in words—thereby allowing for a deeper active listening experience.
2. Identifying Own Emotions
Another critical component of emotional intelligence is learning how to identify emotions, naming them, and therefore having greater control over them. First, I need to develop a sort of personal emotional lexicon. Each person experiences or perceives emotional responses in different ways, so I need to identify what feeling angry, frustrated, or upset feels like specifically and then I can distinguish between different types of emotions. Many seemingly similar emotions can be differentiated through practice and paying attention to our physiological cues. For example, fear, excitement, and anticipation all share features in common. Even sadness and joy have a core of deep feeling that can be explored through meditation and mindfulness exercises.
Among the specific methods I will use to identify my own emotions include continually checking in with myself—both mind and body. Paying attention to my thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations on a regular basis helps build the habit of self-awareness. It is also important to “attend to process,” observing how I do things so that I can make changes to become more efficient in the future (Martin, Easton, Wilson, et al., 2004, p. 21). Also, I will learn breathing techniques that help me to slow down to take time and tune into my own emotions.
3. Identifying Others’ Emotions
The process of being more emotionally intelligent also depends on learning how to identify the emotions others express in their body, behavior, and words. Becoming better at reading other people’s language, and not making assumptions, is important for a counselor. We need to learn how to ask the right questions, tune in and observe the responses to those questions, actively listening and engaged, paying attention to variables like culture, gender, and age without making assumptions based on stereotypes.
Specific ways of identifying others’ emotions will help me to build the confidence I need to actively engage in bilateral communications that help the client gain self-insight (Martin, Easton, Wilson, et al., 2004). I can develop “trait empathy,” which is attuning with the client’s point of view temporarily to see where the person is coming from so I can understand motivations undergirding specific behaviors (Gutierrez, Mullen & Fox, 2016, p. 20). I can also keep a log of my progress, and make notes related to specific client communication cues and how I responded to those cues.
4. Managing Own Emotions
Managing my own emotions is a lifelong practice that begins with a conscious, determined effort to exert control over emotions rather than allowing emotions to control me. Sometimes, I may need to deploy attentional resources more mindfully, not permitting myself to wander off or get distracted but insisting that I pay attention and do the hard work, no matter how uncomfortable it may be to sit with that particular emotional state. Situation modification involves a set of tools, such as moving the body or cognitively reframing a situation so that I can see it from another perspective. Journaling, talking with my own counselors, and practicing mindfulness meditation are other concrete practices I can engage in to promote emotional intelligence. Specific ways to manage emotions include a range of breathing techniques, meditating regularly, and journaling each day when I wake up and again before bed so that I identify underlying forms of discomfort that, if unaddressed, could lead to repression.
5. Managing Others’ Emotions
While we can never truly control another person’s emotions, we can steer an emotional conversation through engaging practices such as mirroring, active listening, asking questions, feedback, and offering positive regard to the client. This way, we validate the client’s tough emotional responses and difficult feelings while still preventing the client from slipping into morbid self-reflection. The same is true for ourselves, as we learn how to disengage from the client’s emotional state even while having tremendous compassion for the individual. To engage actively in the process of managing others’ emotions, I will take the time to listen more closely and refrain from interrupting. Then, I will write notes that lead to the most effective guiding questions posed to the client, and figure out what the client’s goals are in therapy before proceeding. Understanding the desired outcomes will help steer the conversation and manage others’ emotions, as well as my own.
6. Using Emotions in Problem Solving
Problem-solving is enhanced with the correct application of emotion. Emotion can add energy to the problem-solving process. When we engage our attentional resources on a problem, we need to maintain a balance between having just the right amount of emotional intensity without letting the emotional state become overwhelming. One way of harnessing the power of emotional energy for problem solving is refraining from getting caught up in the feeling. I can use emotional states in problem solving by learning to leverage the power of intense emotions, allowing myself to experience discomfort and pain without letting those sensations overtake me or distract me from goals. This requires focusing my attention hard on the work that needs to be done, maintaining an enthusiastic and joyful state of mind, finding meaning in each moment of the work I do. Using creative strategies like these can help liberate mental and emotional resources for improving my effectiveness and usefulness as a counselor. I believe that by paying attention to my emotional states during everyday mundane tasks will help promote the use of emotional cues as tools for problem solving (Martin, Easton, Wilson, et al., 2004). The tension within emotional states can be viewed as a potential source of kinetic energy, which I can draw from and channel into my work. Being conscious of this process and employing it more adeptly will become the best way I will build skills in this area of emotional intelligence.
7. Expressing Emotions Adaptively
One of the trickiest aspects of emotional intelligence is learning how to effectively and appropriately express emotions. This takes time and requires me to ask others for feedback. I need to develop good timing and a sense of when to remain silent and when to speak up. Expressing anger and other challenging emotions requires great care and being tuned into myself and others. I need to be patient, not reacting immediately to my emotional response, but allowing it to simmer so that i can analyze it rationally before engaging in any outburst. Detaching, reflecting, and processing will help.
To do this, I will journal more actively. I will also talk with my counselors and friends about how I am feeling, asking them for tips on how to improve my communication style when I am in an aroused emotional state. For example, if I sense my heart is racing, I know that means I am upset and it would be best to calm down using breathing and cognitive reframing. Discomfort is an opportunity to explore the root causes of the emotion, and untangle the complex knots of memory and self-concept impeding my ability to see the situation clearly, rationally, and objectively. I also need to move confidently in the direction of positive emotions. Enhancing pleasant emotions requires the ability to cultivate appreciation for those positive states, not fearing that those states will impede my effectiveness as a counselor. I will also learn to distinguish between genuine, productive introspection versus rumination. Rumination is futile, leading to a swamp of dead emotions, whereas effective self-reflection leads to discoveries that I can apply to my daily routine engaging with others and becoming a better counselor.
References
Gutierrez, D., Mullen, P.R. & Fox, J. (2016). Exploring emotional intelligence among masters-level counseling trainees. Counselor Education & Supervision 56(2017): 19-32.
Martin, W.E., Easton, C., Wilson, S., et al. (2004). Salience of emotional intelligence as a core characteristic of being a counselor. Counselor Education and Supervision 44(2004): 17-30.
Prikhidko, A. & Swank, J.M. (2016). Emotion regulation for counselors. Journal of Counseling and Development 96(2018): 206-212.