Courtship Arranged Marriages and the Romantic Meaning of Love
The primary theme of The Immigrant Advantage by Kolker is that immigrants to America bring something with them in their cultures and communities that Americans can learn from. They have certain traits or habits that Americans could benefit from having if they stopped long enough to learn from their immigrant neighbors. Kolker highlights these good traits and shows how they work for immigrants. For example, she focuses each chapter on a specific lesson that immigrant groups provide through their own cultural experiences. The first chapter shows how to save money and uses the Vietnamese immigrants in America as the case study for this good habit. The second chapter focuses on how to take care of one’s parents and looks at the Hispanic-American culture for this lesson. The third chapter looks at the courting rituals of South Asian immigrants in America and shows that Americans could learn a lesson in courtship by reading about this group. The fourth chapter looks at how one can learn and uses the stories of Korean and Chinese afterschool programs in the US for the basis of this lesson. In short, each chapter analyzes something positive that the various ethnic immigrant groups in America bring and what Americans could learn from them if they only gave them a chance. This review will focus on lessons from these chapters to show how immigrants can teach Americans something important.
The custom of the Vietnamese to pay dues to a club by using peer pressure to make sure members save money is described in the first chapter. Kolker explains that this is a custom that is not unique to the Vietnamese but that helps the people to achieve the goal of saving each month to pay their dues. The hat is passed around the room and everyone is expected to pay in cash, and that cash is then given to a different member each month. That member pockets the cash. As everyone pays in, everyone gets a payment before long, and the use of peer pressure—everyone watches and everyone knows who is not paying in—helps the process to work smoothly. This custom gives the Vietnamese a tool for success in terms of saving because it uses the power of community and peer pressure to make sure everyone is doing it.
The custom of South Asian immigrants regarding marriage is another important lesson. As Kolker points out, Americans could learn a lot from this population because they do not have many romantic notions about love being a thunderbolt. They are...
Kolker states that “in the South Asian view, shared background—shorthand for religion, caste, income, and aspirations—makes up the basic equipment any couple needs for a chance at happiness” (85). For a courtship to proceed, the couple is matched up according to the characteristics of shared background. It is a simple matter of arrangement from that point forward. Logic and reason are used to facilitate the arrangement, instead of emotions and “chemistry,” which is the American notion of two people hitting it off and feeling a spark of love that they nourish and grow into something wonderful. The South Asian view of marriage helps this group succeed in terms of courtship because it matches people based on how well they are likely to get along given they share the same background, beliefs, class, and so on. It is a simple affair and one that would help...…all these customs useful and appealing in my own life. I come from a Catholic family so I can appreciate the idea of sacrificing for the greater good. In my family there is respect for the individual but also for the duty one owes to others, and I like the idea of courting based on shared background and applying logic and reason to it instead of suffering through the confusion of dating looking for that spark of romance or chemistry. At the same time, it is kind of simplistic to deny that romance exists. People do fall in love; the problem is that they think they always have to have that feeling of being in love. Being in love is as much a mental state as it is an emotional state—probably more so over time in fact. I would like to apply that custom to my life more than the others. I do not think I would like to feel peer pressure about saving money for dues. I am good enough with saving money on my own to feel like I need that, though I appreciate the custom and I like the communal aspect of it. The idea of sharing space with family is also one that I would not mind—so long as there is enough space. I grew up in a small home with a lot of brothers and sisters, though, so I know how hard it can be.
In conclusion, Americans can learn a lot from immigrants in terms of their cultural customs and ways of doing things. Whether it is saving money, engaging in courtship or sharing space with family members, there is something to be said for these methods. I would like to see more Americans taking culture seriously and finding ways to make these ideas work…
