Trust within a marriage

Conflict Management

Resolving of conflicts between two people is usually simple. However, in many situations, resolution of conflicts can be made more difficult. This is true when it comes to workplace situations, per chance conflicts that arise with strangers and so forth. However, when family or friendship is in the mix and a conflict is present, resolution and solutions can be fleeting and hard to come by. Not only are there personal feelings and a lot of history involved, there can also be a lot of bogging down and movement away from clean solutions as there can be a focus on things that are not really the problem. Rather, they are just a manifestation or symptom of the problem. While the particular details matter a great deal, there needs to be a weeding out of what the real problem is and everyone involved has to be committed to focusing on that actual problem and the solution to the same.

Analysis

Many people falter and fail when it comes to conflict resolution, it is almost always possible given the right cooperation and working together and this even holds true with situations that revolve around families and friends. As noted in the introduction, there is the "same old issue" that is present even if the situations and details surrounding bickering and fighting differ. For example, dishes not being washed and put away after dinner is a problem but the cause of that problem could be a number of things including improper or unclear division of household duties, the responsible party being a bit of a slob, the responsible party being overwhelmed by life's requirements and so on. Given those disparate causes for a singular manifestation of an issue, it would serve a person coming upon this even to take care and make sure that they know what is really going (or not going on) before they swing into action and perhaps put their foot in their mouth (Marchand, and Hock) (Beebe).

Irrespective of the actual issue in play, another important factor and facet of a relationship that has to be looked at is trust. If there is a lack of trust and a lack of faith in a relationship, this can lead to problems popping off much quicker than they could or should. To come back to the dishes example, if a third party to the person responsible just viscerally reacts and does not think things through first, that could be a sign of lack of trust. It could also mean that the reactionary party is being too impulsive in general and they are not taking care to assess the situation before initiating a response. Of course, the dishes not being done is a sanitary and cleanliness issue. However, it has to be recognized that there are entirely innocent reasons why the dishes might not be done. Of course, if it happens a number of times in a short span, that is also a red flag. However, it still does not mean that the responsible party is a slob or otherwise shirking their duties just because they choose to (Fincham, Beach, and Davila) (Beebe).

Beyond the above, there could be a confluence of things going on. To say that there is only one issue might be accurate but there may be more than one thing that is going on. For example, the dishes thing above could be a combination of depression and being overwhelmed by a job and/or duties relating to kids. As to why precisely that is happening, it could very well be that the person has too much to do and not enough day to do it. It could be that the other parent involved is not pulling their weight as they could or should be. It could be that that there just needs to be better structure and organization. Regardless, there needs to be an identification of what is going wrong, what should be happening instead and what can be done to get from the first of those to the second of those. If there are multiple issues, there might be a need to address them one at a time rather than trying to assail them all at once. Beyond that, it is entirely possible that a neutral third party such as a counselor or psychologist might be needed to get the process going. Sometimes it does take a person that is removed from the dysfunction and problem so as to incur someone to finally figure out that perhaps that they are part of the problem or, at the very least, are not part of the solution (Fincham, Beach, and Davila) (Beebe).

A linchpin of making any relationship work is communication. If there is not a true and equal dialog between a couple, for example, then it is only a matter of time before problems emerge. For example, if a male in a married relationship is a chauvinist, that will tend to be on full display based on the way that he speaks with his wife, reacts to her and considers her perspective in terms of authority and legitimacy. Chances are he will consider her "beneath him" and this will exude strongly from all of communications and reactions. That is just one reason why communication can go south. Basically, if there is a situation where one person does not feel valued or respected by another, the reaction that will eventually manifest will not be a good one. Feelings will get hurt and the totality of what is going on can spiral out of control from there. Just as one example, a man or woman that feels that they are not loved and/or are not getting the affection or attention that they want will tend to develop a wandering eye and go outside of the relationship in terms of intimacy. Intimacy, in this instance, could include sensitive conversations (i.e. an emotional affair) or it could involve sexual contact and beyond. Regardless of the depth or breadth of this relationship, it is a betrayal of the marriage (or relationship) and the person engaging in this, no matter who slighted they feel, needs to get back to resolving the situation with their pre-existing relationship and they should do this before they even think about trying to move on to someone else (Casad, Salazar, and Macina) (Beebe).

Speaking of getting to the bottom of what is going on and how to resolve it, the assignment that this report completes asks the author of this report to narrow things down to three major factors or questions. These are the nonverbal behaviors that are in play, the listening styles that are being executed and the amount of trust, as mentioned before, that is existing in the relationship. As far as non-verbal behaviors go, it is no mystery to people in the know that non-verbal behavior is such a huge part of communication. In many ways and in terms of volume, these non-verbal cues are more significant and more prevalent than what is seen in verbal communication. Just to use an easy example, if someone says "I love you," this would generally be seen as a good thing. However, non-verbal messages being conveyed concurrent to those words can change the narrative very quickly. For example, if the speaker is not making eye contact, is not fully facing the person that they are speaking to or their pitch or tone is muted or angry, those are all good signs that something is very amiss. These do not necessarily mean that the message is not genuine. Rather, it is at least a sign (if not more) that something else is going on or the message might indeed be more complex (or opposite) to what is actually being stated (Phutela) (Beebe).

As far as listening styles, some stronger examples were already used. Indeed, if a person feels that they are superior or "beyond" having to have a certain level of discourse, it will pervade how they act and manifest to the person that they are conversing with. Even with that, there are many other situations where this sort of behavior is much subtler. Indeed, if a person is interrupting the person that they are speaking with or if it is clear that they person listening is just waiting of their turn to speak, that is not a good thing. Even if not intended, these are signs that the person is ambivalent about the message or that they feel their opinion matters more than what they are listening to. For any good dialog to work, both people need to convey what they feel and truly listen and react to what the other person is saying. This does not mean that either person has to bottle up or hold back what they really feel. However, they just need to be careful how they speak their message because it could come across the wrong way if they are indelicate. For example, someone emoting their feelings would be wise to use "I" statements" rather than "you" statements because the latter can come across as accusatory and strident. Indeed, it is important to reveal and speak about what is really going on in one's mind but there should be no lambasting or other incendiary accusations being levied. So long as both parties are committed to making things work and flow better, this should eventually end up in a resolution being made. As noted before, a third party such as a counselor is often wise as they do not have a bias either way and they can facilitate the direction of the conversation if the flow is not moving in the right way (Kulik, Walfisch & Liberman) (Beebe).

Finally, there is the final and most emphatic mention in this report about trust. Obviously, trust is not something that could or should just appear overnight. However, even after it is established it can wilt away as more and events and transgressions pile up. While one bad dealing on its own can be forgiven if it is proven to be an aberration, a series of events over time leads to less and less and trust being present and thus this makes it harder to move past bad things and events when they come to pass. Even the appearance of impropriety can lead to problems when trust is fleeting to gone as there is the presumption that the person was just caught before they were in the midst or more malfeasance. Just as trust has to be built up at the onset, it has to be restored if there are actions committed that are clearly wrong. However, this can only work if the aggrieved party is willing to give the person another chance given the totality of what has happened up to that point and the person engaging in these actions is willing to turn over a new leaf, so to speak. If either of those is missing, then any chance at peace and restoration of trust is really not something that can happen (Millholland, and Avery) (Beebe).

A huge thing that is involved in all of the above is authenticity. Just as a drug junkie or alcoholic cannot get clean unless they change their life and change their way of conducting relationships, nothing will change in a relationship that has lost trust and functionality unless the person or persons creating the issue are ready to come to the table and get things fixed. If either person is being less than honest about what they have done and/or they are not making it crystal clear that they mean business when it comes to righting past wrong, then the party that is being serious (presuming one exists, of course) probably needs to cut the cord and move on. While maintaining friendships and familial relations in the name of not giving up or because there are kids involved is a nice thing to say. However, if doing so is toxic to one or more parties in that relationship and/or there are kids involved at all, allowing this toxicity to reign and continue is an inferior option to making the better choice and clearing out whatever negativity or bad influence is present. Just to use a clear example, if a woman has children with her husband and the husband has an alcohol or drug problem that he will not address, that women needs to run (not walk) and get her children to a safer situation. Obviously, the courts and other parties will need to become involved but to say that is a situation where trust and listening is not even the biggest problem would be putting things lightly. Of course, many situations like that do not involve kids and/or they are not that protracted and serious. However, there has to be real and pronounced evidence that the people involved want a solution (Marchand, and Hock) (Beebe).

Conclusion

If someone is saying one thing and doing another or one person is flatly refusing to be honest and cooperating when it comes to resolving problems, continuing to make an effort to fix what is wrong is probably not worth the aggravation and paid. Perhaps proving one's self serious about wanting to get things fixed or one will just leave will make the point. Regardless, everyone should get a fair shot and they can live with the consequences if they say no. Family relationships and marriages, just to name two of the major ones, should not be started or ended casually. Indeed, entering or exiting those relationships is something that should never be done with haste or ambivalence about the consequences. Even so, staying in a toxic or unsafe relationship because of familial, relationship or martial ties alone is less than wise.

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