Marriage and family relationships

Marriage & Family

Marriage and the Family: Creating more effective family dynamics

Fostering effective communication skills to minimize the emotional fallout from the inevitable need for conflict resolution between family members are key to building a more positive household dynamic (Strong, DeVault & Cohen, 2001: 179). However, the relationships in the modern family have grown increasingly complex, as families become more racially, ethnically, and culturally diverse. The field of eligibles of possible marital partners means that endogamy (marriage within a particular group) has grown less common and exogamy (marriage outside a particular group) has become the norm. It is a rare family that does not encompass some form of diversity today. The availability of divorce means that families now must embrace stepparents and stepsiblings into their fold and there may be conflict between one family's rules with that of the other family. Furthermore, television has raised the stakes of expected family happiness, as it often depicts ideal family where all problems are solved with a half hour (Strong, DeVault & Cohen, 2001: 224; 5).

In addition to new cultural barriers, there are also the age-old divisions between male and female communication styles, the female "do you love me" versus "be reasonable" approaches to personal expression (Strong, DeVault & Cohen, 2001: 174). Males may prioritize getting things done, and be less sensitive to the female prioritization of emotional satisfaction, and to more indirect female modes of expression. In helping men and women speak the same language, the observations of a martial counselor, who can observe with an outsider's objectivity and sensitivity which partner withdraws and dominates various subjects of discussion, can be helpful. A counselor can make wives and husbands aware, for example, of how apparently neutral responses such as "whatever" can be used as a stonewalling technique used to get one person's 'way' in determining weekend activities, and create frustration. The ideal relationship can make use of effective modes of expression that are fully understood by the other person.

Summarizing, paraphrasing, validation, and clarification are the best ways to 'disagree and still be (loving) friends,' as in 'So, you're angry that I'm going to a Superbowl party rather than spending the weekend with you. I understand why you're angry and you feel like I'm abandoning you when we have so little time together. I'm glad my time means so much to you. Can you accept that this big game only happens once a year, and that I will make time for you next weekend?' Confrontation, defensiveness, and complaining are the roots, of unhappy marital relationships, where the true root of the conflict (the fact that the wife feels neglected and the husband desires more independence) become masked in wrangling over trivial issues (Strong, DeVault & Cohen, 2001: 188).