What We Talk About When We Talk About Love

Love is a word that is often overused and sometimes underappreciated. And despite the confusion some people have in separating romantic love from sensual pleasure, or real love from friendship -- love is among the most powerful ideas in the world. Given all the tension and hatefulness in the world, it is the opinion of this paper that any love is good love, no matter how bizarre or byzantine it may appear to society.

The widely diverse and dissimilar kinds of love that writer Raymond Carver alludes to in his short story simply reflect the vast chasm between one personality and the next. It may seem blatantly obvious to say this, but individual approaches to love -- and reflections on love -- are of course based on each person's life experiences. Bob Dylan wrote a song -- "Love is Just a Four-Letter Word" -- that has an ironic twist to it, but is wholly appropriate because love can turn to another four-letter work, hate. Moreover, love can turn just as easily into pain (another four-letter word). There are people I know who think they love each other but in fact they are just friends who love to party, have sex, and travel together while pretending to be locked in a romantic relationship.

In my own life my parents were often seen kissing in the kitchen while mom was cooking dinner. She would call out dad's name and he would go into the kitchen -- where the wonderful smells of her cooking filled the air and spread throughout the house -- not to have him help her with some task, but rather to kiss him. My bedroom was on the other side of the thin wall from my parents' bedroom and they clearly had a great sensual relationship to go along with their fondness and publicly shown affection.

On the other hand, one of my best friends in high school had parents who stayed together to raise their family albeit they didn't seem to like each other at all. I would visit my friend to shoot some hoops in his back driveway and you could hear his parents fighting like cats and dogs. My friend told me his parents had separate bedrooms, and that they each cooked their own meals. This kind of love is based on a married couple whose only goal is to raise their children as healthy, worthy people. Another friend's parents were sweet to each other in words and deeds, and were seen holding hands at the high school football game.

Still another friend had parents who were "swingers"; and while they loved one another and showed affection often, they engaged in sexual activities with multiple partners. That was a strange kind of love, but nonetheless, it was love.

TWO: Meanwhile, on the subject of strange love, on page 140 of Carver's story Terri reports that even though her first husband Ed apparently beat her up and dragged her around the room, he loved her. "He may have acted crazy," Terri insisted, "…but he loved me." In addition to his violent behavior vis-a-vis Terri, Mel was threatened often by Terri's first husband. But Terri's love for him was unconditional; we know that because she was at his bedside when he passed away (after he had shot himself in the mouth). Interestingly at the outset of the story Mel, the doctor, is saying "real love" was just "spiritual love," which is quite vague and indecisive.

Between descriptions of Terri's out-of-control former partner, Carver (p. 141) slips in the love relationship he has with wife Laura. "In addition to being in love, we like each other and enjoy one another's company," Carver explained. "She's easy to be with." That is a very common kind of love, probably the kind of love that has the best chance of lasting because people have to enjoy being around one another in all kinds of situations. Carver and Laura touched knees under the table, demonstrating their attraction for one another. On page 144 Carver mentions "Physical love, that impulse that drives you to someone special." He goes on to mention the love that has to do with "the other person's being, his or her essence"; and he brings up "Carnal love…sentimental love" which is the "…day-to-day caring about the other person." Given the fact that these two couples in the story are drinking gin in apparently substantial doses, what they said may be slightly off key, or exaggerated, or even crude. On page 146, Mel lets his true self come out when he tells Terri to "Just shut up for once in your life."

The Mel-Terri kind of love in one in which you can insult the other person or be momentarily mean-spirited or impatient with the other person but when the emotions cool down, you say, "Honey I love you," and kiss and make up. This is likely the most common love shared between two people that are vastly different personalities but they work things out together because they want to survive as a couple. And the old couple involved in the accident that Mel described -- that is a strong kind of love because the man was depressed that he couldn't turn his head to lay his eyes on his loving wife.

THREE: The poem by Carver is his confessional narrative; in it he illustrates the saving grace of true love. A man headed for his own mortality instead finds love from a good woman, and that love is like a kind of therapy that helps him sober up. Gravy is an expression that suggests once a person makes it through a certain challenging time, it's all good. Like the phrase, "It's all downhill from here…" meaning after you struggle to climb that steep slope, you will have a nice ride downhill.