Boundaries with teenagers: establishing healthy limits and communication

Boundaries With Teens

Summary and Reaction:

Townsend, John. Boundaries with Teens: When to say yes, how to say no. Zondervan, 2006.

According to author John Townsend, although the adolescent years might seem like a period of rebellion and boundary-testing, teens are also boundary-seeking. They want parents to set limits that provide helpful guidelines for their behavior, guidelines that will help them become more mature and productive adults. Parents are at a disadvantage because modern culture pits teens against their parents, creating an ever-widening generation gap. Parents must reclaim their ability to parent in a positive yet authoritative fashion.

One of the greatest traps a misunderstood teen may fall into is drugs. In Chapter 22 Townsend warns: "Your teen likely knows how to get drugs if he wants them. He knows someone, or knows someone who knows someone." Townsend presents a harsh but realistic picture of modern teen life. A lack of self-esteem and the inevitable insecurities about 'who am I' can prove to be a deadly mix, unless parents are willing to step in, really listen to their teens, and set limits. Teens must be told explicitly what their parents think is wrong and right. This is also true regarding teen sexual behavior: "As the parent of a teen, you must accept the reality that this kid, whom you raised from a baby, is now a very sexual being. His body is ready for sex. He thinks about sex and talks about sex -- and a large part of him wants to be having sex," and unless the parent clearly communicates the value of virginity and abstinence to the teen, other peer messages will dominate (Chapter 42). The parent must accept that his or her son or daughter may feel physically ready for sex because of raging hormones, regardless of their state of emotional readiness and broach this topic with their son or daughter, to communicate the family's personal values and morals. The Internet makes it easier than ever before for teens to have personal lives independent of their parent's control, which can make teens quickly feel as if they are adults, even if they still have a child's impulsivity and lack of respect for consequences.

Townsend is not only concerned about hot-button issues like drugs and sexuality, however. Violence and aggression can easily be overlooked or normalized as just a phase and have equally negative consequences for the teen's development. Rude and violent teens become rude and violent adults. Townsend writes: "In addition to intervening directly when your teen is aggressive in your presence, you will also need to do as much prevention as possible and to set up workable consequences and helps for those times you find out about the aggressiveness" (Chapter 21). A lack of respect for parents, teachers, even peers, must not be tolerated and must be consistently rebuked.