Communication Couples Minimal Language Communication Between Couples

Communication Couples Minimal language communication between couples More often than not, we assume that what we are trying to communicate to those close to us is easily comprehended. We believe this because we are familiar with the other person and feel there is a connection that allows us to communicate with minimal language. In fact according to Psychology Professor Boaz Keyser at the University of Chicago, most believe that communication between people they know well, as opposed to communication with a stranger, is more clearly understood.

In a study Keyser co-authored he calls this phenomena "closeness communication bias." (HealthDay 2011) However a study of 24 married couples indicates that the bias doesn't hold up. An experiment was carried out with couples sitting with their backs to one another and stating phrases which weren't exactly clear. Instead of them comprehending what their spouses were trying to communicate, they often totally missed the mark.

One example given by study author Kenneth Savitsky, professor of psychology at Williams College in Williamstown Mass., indicates a married woman, who said to her husband, "It's getting hot in here," meant that she wanted the air conditioning turned up a bit. Her husband, however assumed she was really making an amorous advance. Savitsky attributes this to the belief that people who are close often think they are on the same wave-length, and as a result fail to carefully consider the other person's perspective.

On the other hand, we're more likely to use specific language when communicating with strangers. Study co-author Nicholas Epley, professor of behavioral science at the University Of Chicago Booth School Of Business calls this the illusion of insight. Being close to another person creates the illusion of understanding more than true understanding. (Healthday 2011) Personally I find myself doing this much of the time with my husband. My own illusion of insight is assuming that he takes the hint when I make a partial statement about a situation.

When I say, "It's a beautiful night for a walk," what I really mean is, "I would like to go for a walk with you." I get frustrated when he doesn't get what I'm saying, but in reality I haven't given him enough information to give me the answer I'm really looking for. Such lack of communication can indeed be detrimental to a relationship over time.

The University of Florida Cooperative Extension Service has a Marriage Preparation series which focuses on the importance of communicating to one's spouse in order to create a healthy level of communication in a marriage. In that series, such communication is broken down into three steps: listening, understanding what you've heard, and expressing yourself. The method recommended by Certified Therapist, Mary Simon, PhD is a technique called "mirroring" to ensure that what we think we heard is really what we're hearing.

The process calls for the listener to repeat back to the speaker exactly what they thought the speaker said, before responding. Not only will this give a couple a true sense of how easy it is to miscommunicate, but it is also a step toward eliminating that lack of communication. (Hamlett, 2010) Good listening calls for paying attention to a partner's feelings as well as words and then letting him or her know that you understand what they mean. This sends a clear message that the person is important enough.