Compassion as a Christian Rule

Process Note

Pastoral Issue: How do I respond to someone in need of compassion?

Learning goal for this session: The learning goal for this session is to develop the skill of compassion for pastoral ministry.

Background

I served my ministry at a suburban parish that consists of primarily Americans from the suburbs and some from the city across the river. People come to this parish because it is conservative. For that reason, the parish consists of many people who are conservative minded about the Church and towards life in a way that some might consider outside the norm.

The parish brings in newcomers from both sides of the river because the church itself is remarkable to see—it has beautiful paintings and statues inside and the architecture is of an old style. The ministry that I served was an adult catechism RCIA class. The class consisted of adults from the parish as well as newcomers. All of the participants, about 30 in number, were baptized Catholics, but some were familiar with one another and others—mainly the newcomers—were not.

At this class, the parish priest wanted me to help with showing compassion for the diverse class. He had noticed that it was hard for newcomers to the parish to fit in right away. This particular parish always seemed to have new visitors but it never seemed to grow. The newcomers were unfamiliar with the regular parishioners and the priest suspected that the in-group of the parish was not very responsive to the needs of newcomers. He did not want the parish to be shunning newcomers or making them feel like they were less Catholic somehow. He wanted them to feel welcome and encouraged to be part of the parish. He wanted the adult catechism class to be a place where people could talk and share ideas and experiences. My job was to introduce some of the newcomers to members of the parish who had been there for a long time. I had to demonstrate compassion by being empathetic with the needs of the newcomers.

The class was more of a discussion session. The parish priest introduced a theme. The theme was: What does God expect of us and how do we know what this is? Then he asked the class to discuss this question among themselves and he asked everyone to mingle and introduce themselves to any new people that they did not yet know.

Description

One newcomer was named Randy (not his real name). He was 27 and was recently married to a woman who already had one son. He and his wife also had a baby on the way. He was shy and did not introduce himself to others but was interested in learning more about the parish and about what he should believe as a Catholic. I saw him sitting by himself in the class and introduced myself to him. I then introduced him to Wayne (not his real name). Wayne is 69 and is a grandfather of several children. His wife is dead, but he has been a long member of the parish and is very conservative in his views and loves the Mass. Wayne was happy to meet Randy, but the conversation was short and Wayne quickly left to make another acquaintance. The discussions that I heard were not really focusing much on the theme. In one group of five parishioners, the theme was being discussed, and the conversation was loud. A couple of newcomers were standing nearby listening, but they were hesitant to take part in the conversation because they did not know the parish members who were having it. I spoke to Randy and asked him what he thought about the question the parish priest had asked us. Randy smiled and looked bashful. He said he did not know, but that he thought God wanted us to be good and to show love to others, but he said he did not know how we knew this. “Maybe because that’s what the Bible says, but…” He trailed off. I said, “Tell me about yourself. Where do you come from?”

He said, “I grew up on the west side. My mother used to take me to Mass. I didn’t stick with it when I got into my teens, but I met my wife and we both thought it was important—like we were missing something. That’s kind of what made us connect. Now I’m going to be a father and I want to have some answers for my child. I want to be able to guide him. I didn’t get a lot of guidance growing up, but I got a little. I feel like I need to educate myself a bit more. That’s kind of why I’m here.”

I said, “That’s great. That’s really great that you’re here. I think it’s very admirable that you are taking the time to try to learn. Why did you choose this parish? Do you live nearby?”

He said, “No. But something about the church made me think of my Mom and how she always talked about it, because she grew up coming here. I wanted to know what it was that spoke to her about this place.”

A young man named Robert (not his real name) approached us and introduced himself. He was 30 and had a wife and three young daughters. He had been a member of the parish for two years. Robert is friendly and makes an effort to introduce himself to newcomers, but he does not have great social skills. He likes to talk about doctrine and he made an attempt to talk about Church teaching and Church history with Randy. But Randy did not know much about it. Robert did most of the talking and suggested some books to Randy to read and then excused himself. I could tell that Randy was not getting what he needed. At the end of the session, I caught up with him on the way out. I asked him if he would like to meet for coffee and we could talk about whatever and maybe I could explain some things if he had any questions he would like to ask. Randy smiled and said, “Actually that would be great!” I gave him my cell number and he texted me right away so that I had his number. We shook hands. An hour later he texted me a question: “How do we know what God wants?” I responded in a text: “That’s a really good question. I like that you ask that. I’m free tomorrow night if you are. Name the place and I will meet you.”

The next night we met at a coffee shop. I did not bring any books. I just wanted to get to know Randy better and I wanted him to get to know me. We talked for two hours and I learned about his life and he learned about mine. At the end of it, I said, “Randy, I think this is how we know what God wants. We get to know other people. I think God speaks to us through that kind of connection. Do you think so?” “I do,” he said. We parted on warm terms and he said, “We should do this again. I really enjoyed it.”

REFLECTION

Personal

When I came to America from Vietnam I very much felt like an outsider. Everything was new to me—the sights, the sounds, the customs, and expressions. People who are used to all of this do not realize what a major impression even the smell of a place can make on someone who is not used to it. So I can empathize with those who are unused to a new parish—the sights, the smells, the choir singing, and the rite (if they are unfamiliar with it)—it can all be very overwhelming for new people. When I came to America, I did not know what to think about life here and I kept to myself very much the way Randy did when he came to the RCIA discussion session.

One of the things that helped me to fit in better was when a priest named Fr. Henry took notice of me and asked me about myself. I had never talked much about myself to anyone before, mainly because no one had really asked me to—but Fr. Henry seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. He became a friend to me and through that friendship I began to feel more confident about myself.

The lesson I learned from that experience is that sometimes all we need is a friend who will stand by us and make us feel more secure. That security helps us to feel more confident. I think that without Fr. Henry, I might have become so lonesome that I do not know what I might have done with my life. But Fr. Henry’s friendship gave me a light that helped me see more clearly the goodness of God. I think that I was able to be positive about life and learning more about the Faith because of Fr. Henry’s simple desire to get to know me. I will always be grateful to him for that.

Professional

With Randy, I felt like I had the opportunity to do for him what Fr. Henry had done for me. I was glad to have this opportunity and it was new to me. I had never really been on the giving side of this kind of compassion. I had received it and was thankful I did. Now I could see what it was like for another person to need a helping hand during an uncertain time in his life.

Randy was very grateful that I took the time to meet with him. Sometimes it is hard to get a breakthrough moment like this in a class full of strangers. Sometimes we need this one-on-one interaction in ministry. By meeting with Randy, I was reminded of the four levels of listening that John Savage describes: “1. Data back then; 2. Feelings back then; 3. Feelings now; 4. Self-disclosure.”[footnoteRef:1] Remembering these levels helped me to communicate in a compassionate manner with Randy. It allowed me to see how important it is in pastoral ministry to see each person as a person and not simply as a label or as a piece of the background. Everyone is there in the RCIA class because they want to know God and what it means to know God. A pastoral minister should be able to connect with each person in order to help them obtain that knowledge. [1: John Savage, Listening and Caring Skills: A Guide for Groups and Leaders (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1996), 79.]

Cultural Context

One thing that I realized was that it is even though everyone in the class was an adult American, not all of them had the same knowledge and thus some felt like outsiders. Being Vietnamese in America, I have also felt like an outsider to the culture. What I saw here was that there are subcultures within cultures. The parish has its own subculture, and newcomers are unfamiliar with it. I appear as someone with whom they might feel more comfortable because my appearance and speech signify to them that I am in some ways an outsider, too. In my country, people do not tend to openly share things with others—but here in America it is more of a custom, it seems, for strangers to speak intimately at times. I can understand this in a way because even though everyone here is of the same culture, people are still strangers to one another in many cases. I tend to respect other people’s privacy, but since I was asked to demonstrate compassion at the class session, I realized that I needed to get outside my comfort zone. In Vietnamese, it would be strange to reach out to Randy the way I did. But I need to not let my own culture get in the way of what I need to do, which is to help in the ministry. People here need someone to talk to, someone who is able to listen.

Theological

Compassionate thinking in ministry is a good link that can bring us closer to God. Some God-images make us think of an imperialistic Father, who is all-powerful, and this can cause us to feel uncertain and fearful. It is like being in a new place surrounded by new people and not knowing what one is to think or feel or how to act. Yet compassion can call us to be ourselves and to be accepting. Daniel Louw writes that “one should link compassion to the ethos of self-sacrifice and the discovery that in Jesus Christ, as the 'compassion of God' (cf. Lk 1:78), God has already preceded us.”[footnoteRef:2] 1 Peter 3:8 tells us: “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” Andrew Purves, commenting on compassion, tells us that when we engage in compassion for others, we are participating in the compassion of Jesus.[footnoteRef:3] Charles Birch states that compassion should be shown to everyone who shares the creation of Earth that God gave to us.[footnoteRef:4] Those from whom we may feel estranged because they are unfamiliar to us are really a lot like us, because we are all exiles on this Earth, and we are all called to be Children of God. Each is seeking in his own way, and compassion can be of great service. Just like Jesus fed those who were hungry, we can feed others in a spiritual way by showing compassion to them. When we live in accordance with the divine principle of compassion that Scripture tells us to hold dear to our hearts, we when living according to the principles of forgiveness and love, we can see more clearly the eschatological kingdom of God, and find ourselves closer to that kingdom than we were before.[footnoteRef:5] [2: Daniel Louw, “On facing the God-question in a pastoral theology of compassion: From imperialistic omni-categories to theopaschitic pathos-categories,” In die Skriflig 49, no. 1 (2015), 3.] [3: Andrew Purves, The search for compassion: Spirituality and ministry (Westminster John Knox Press, 1989), 25.] [4: Charles Birch, "Regaining compassion for humanity and nature." (1993). https://www.religion-online.org/book/regaining-compassion-for-humanity-and-nature/] [5: Brandon J. Griffin, Caroline R. Lavelock, and Everett L. Worthington, Jr., “On Earth as it Heaven: Healing Through Forgiveness,” Journal of Psychology & Theology 52, no. 3 (2014): 257. ]

Sometimes we are so consumed by our own inadequacies and faults and failings, our sins and debts, that we are afraid to come forward towards God. I think that this is why we pray the Our Father and why Jesus taught us to pray it: He wants us to realize that it is okay to come to Him in spite of our failings. Instead of getting caught up on the debts we owe, we simply pray to God to forgive them, and we must forgive others, too. “Forgive our debts as we forgive our debtor” (Mt. 6:12.). The word “debts” in this prayer refers to the sins that are committed against God, who is perfect love—so our debts are sins against perfect love.[footnoteRef:6] When we forgive our debtor, we show compassion to him, which is what Jesus does for us by loving us. He shows compassion to us debtors who have sinned against perfect love—but perfect love does not hold it against us. He offers us forgiveness because He wants us near Him. So we should not be shy or reluctant to reach out. We know we want to already! [6: Daniel Harrington, The Gospel of Matthew. Vol. of Sacra Pagina Series, Edited by Daniel J. Harrrington. (Collegeville, MN: Liturgical Press, 1999), 97.]