Dante's inferno

¶ … Hell

Aligheiri Dante's "Inferno" is the first of three books in Dante's classical work "The Divine Comedy." The "Inferno" pursues Dante's journey through Hell on his path to discovering God. He begins at the bottom Hell in sin, and must fight his way to the top through a variety of adventures, where lovely Beatrice awaits him in Paradise. In modern times, Dante's work is still quite applicable, because there are many people who deserve to reside in Hell. Instead of nine circles, today there are three -- High Hell, Middle Hell, and Deepest Hell. High Hell is reserved for those who have sinned, but not critically.

The punishment in High Hell would be similar to Dante's labyrinth, but a great beast would not guard it. Howard Stern would guard it, and his continual and never-ending comments would be audible throughout the labyrinth. There is no exit from this labyrinth, and there is no moving between levels. Once you have reached Hell, and been assigned to your level, there is no moving or changing position. Lucifer still presides over Hell, but each level has its' own master or guard. This labyrinth would be elaborate, but laid out in deep sand that is difficult to plod through. There are an amazing number of twists and turns, and no matter how far the inhabitants of High Hell get into the labyrinth, there is no end, and no solution to the maze.

Middle Hell is a series of physical and mental challenges that never end. Those who end up in Middle Hell spend the rest of their lives trying to solve them, but as soon as they do, another challenge is set before them. There is no end. The masters of this level are Bill Gates and his team of software engineers that designed Windows and Microsoft Word. They are devious in the challenges they design, and include so many tricks and mis-codes that some of the challenges are simply unsolvable. People here are baffled by the complexity of the simplest challenges, and spend their lives frustrated and irritated, with no way to access any other challenges, as the masters have a monopoly on creating ever more challenging puzzles and tests.

Deepest Hell is reserved for the very worst people on Earth, and it is presided over by Osama bin Laden and his henchmen. Deepest Hell is the hottest, the worst, and the most evil level, and it contains a fire pit, a huge bed of hot coals, New York City sewage, and a pig farm. Residents on this level must make their way from the pit, over the coals; wade through the sewage and on to the pig farm, with no rest, and no end. Inside the pig farm are vicious wild pigs, and a pig wrangler, who is Lucifer himself. People must live, sleep, and eat with the pigs, and then begin their journey all over again. The pig farm is a special holding area for Muslim (and any other) terrorists, who abhor pork and pigs. Their journey begins and ends in the pig farm.

Each level has special attributes, and there are levels of sin that will land a person on each level. Howard Stern, and media people like him (Bill O'Reilly, Jerry Springer, Courtney Love, Rush Limbaugh, Larry King, and others in this ilk), belong in High Hell for being abrasive, annoying, and perpetrating violence and ugly behavior. High Hell is also where a majority of Earth's sinner will go, because their sins are not so bad that they affect others lives, or create death and destruction. Neo and the Special Agent from "The Matrix" would end up here, because they acted in too many sequels that didn't live up to the first film, and so would bad actors like Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, and Jackie Chan. This would also be the place for your next-door neighbor who plays their stereo loud enough for the entire block to hear at 2 a.m. In the morning, and your first girlfriend, who dumped you for a jock and then got pregnant. High Hell is annoying, but not so bad that those sinners suffer intolerably.

Middle Hell is for the next level of sinner, such as the plumber who charged you an outrageous amount to fix your garbage disposal, and then didn't fix it, and won't return to make it right. It's also a special place for most cab drivers, customer service people, and sinners who have affected others, like spouses who beat their mates and/or their children, or cheat on their spouses. It's also the place for thieves, and most other criminals, and blatant liars, such as most corporate executives and used car salesmen. The Enron group would belong at this level, except what they did was so reprehensible, they could move on to Deepest Hell, especially depending on the outcome of their trials. Martha Stewart would reside at this level, not because of her stock trading, but because she has inspired millions of women to take on too much responsibility and be "perfect," when perfection is simply unattainable, as her current prison sentence illustrates. Historical figures such as Marie Antoinette, King George, Benedict Arnold, and others would reside at this level too, because their actions affected so many others, especially their selfishly motivated actions. This level would also include the kids that bullied you in elementary school, and many of your childhood teachers.