Women who are smart and accomplished feel pressure to be extremely thin, look good in tight clothing, wear high heels, and to constantly create a pleasing visual spectacle -- even when they are just enjoying themselves in a casual and relaxed fashion. Women must always justify their existence with a show of extreme femininity -- they can never simply be themselves. There is a paradox that Asian women can never satisfy: on one hand, within the family the perfect Asian woman is supposed to be childlike and girlish and to know nothing about sex. On the other hand, the images of the mass media suggest that the ideal Asian woman is hyper-sexualized. No matter how a woman behaves, there is always a sense of guilt and of being incomplete because there is no way a single woman can embody both images. Even people from outside the culture tend to see Asian woman in terms of either of these two stereotypes.

In my relationships with men from my culture, I have often found that there is a high level of expectation regarding how women are supposed to be: women are assumed to be able to anticipate the needs of men, and to put everything aside because of their profound gratefulness that they have a boyfriend....

I realize that not all men are like this, but I have found many are, given how old stereotypes die hard. After all, consciously or unconsciously, we all tend to model our relationships with the opposite sex upon the ways we saw our parents behave. No matter how hard I try, sometimes it is difficult to conceive of a different way to have a relationship with a man, in contrast to the very patriarchal relationship of my mother and father.
On one hand, I get very angry when people stereotype my culture. On the other hand, to some degree there is some basis for some of the stereotypes, given the complicated history of how Asian culture defines femininity that I do not think is defensible. Because of the fact that I have had to stand apart from both stereotypes of what it means to be Asian and what it means to be female, I have had to establish a strong sense of self. I do not define myself in terms of narrow and limited conceptions of how a woman should be but rather try to look within my own soul. I have tried to turn this negative into a positive, but sometimes it is very challenging. It is hard to completely 'turn over a new leaf' regarding the gender roles I was brought up to believe in and obey.