Letter to a Friend. Include

¶ … letter to a friend. Include in the example the six steps in the confrontation process, describe the components of an I-statement, and discuss why you believe these steps and statements are important in managing your conflicts. Note: For purposes of this essay the focus is on writing a letter to a friend who is having trouble getting along with a roommate in condo they both share while attending graduate school.

I'm sorry to hear the conflict with your roommate is continuing, and that there is talk of one of either of you moving out. Having gone through a comparable set of circumstances while also attending graduate school, let me share with you what I found to help. At the risk of giving you unsolicited advice, I'm going to just let loose and tell you what I found to at least help alleviate the most stressful part of the conflicts that sometimes feel inevitable. Just throwing insults and sarcastic remarks at each other doesn't help at all; it just escalates the problem and fuels anger.

Instead, stop daydreaming about the next sarcastic jab you can send their way first thing in the morning or in front of one of their friends (this will just escalate the conflict into nastiness) and think about how to bring some reason into your arguments and complaints. Over lunch last week you told me about how you have paid the last three months rent out of your own pocket and your roommate now owes you well over $1,000. Some people would have evicted the person and called them a freeloader, but I know you and your roommate go way back and their family helped you out with a job in high school so you feel like you owe them for that. In fact you owe them nothing, you worked hard and they paid you, end of story. So don't get taken advantage of now because you felt like you were indebted to this person. Your roommate owes you over $1,000, has a part-time job that barely pays yet doesn't show any signs of being able to pay up. Here's what to do.

First, stop and think how the lack of payment and the lack of even a plan to pay you back make you feel. Angry, with a capital a, I know! Connecting that feeling to the issue is critical for you to get your point across. Next you have to push for a plan. You need to translate your anger into positive action. In a graduate-level organizational behavior class we talked about the I-statement as a way to resolve conflicts. The first component of the I-Statement (reading this from my notes) is to state your feeling in the first person. For you, this would be "I feel angry when you lie to me about paying your part of the rent." This is maybe a little too direct and accusatory so I should tone it down even though your roommate has broken two promises to pay so far. Try something a little less attacking like "I feel angry that you have not paid me back for three months rent." Now that is better and not so attacking. You have also taken care of the second component of the I-statement which is connecting the felling to the issue as well. Now (according to my notes) connect this statement with what you want to happen, by saying this "I feel angry that you have not paid me back for three months rent and need to have your portion by the end of the month or I will have to ask you to leave." This now includes all three components of the I-Statement, which include your statement of feeling, the connecting of the feeling with the issue, and what you want to happen. I would tell your roommate you want checks, post-dated to their paydays, for the portion owed and that you want this resolved by the end of the month or they will have to leave. This sets a deadline and also sends the message you are angry about being stiffed for three months of rent, and that four months is off the table, there is no way you will finance that - that's 25% of the year! No way, stand your ground there. Now that you have the I-Statement down, it's time to create a plan for how to present this to the person.