Making a Love Map for Relationship Support

Book Review: Gottman and Silver

Summary

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman and Silver (2004) focuses on why marriages work and what couples can do to strengthen and support their marriages. Emotional intelligence plays a big role in the strategies highlighted by the authors, as one of the keys to a successful marriage is the ability of both partners to listen and understand one another. Happy couples also learn to keep negative thoughts about their spouse from overwhelming them; they focus on positive thoughts and do not let negativity drive their feelings and actions.

The seven principles defined in the book are 1) use love maps to know your partner because through knowledge comes understanding and acceptance; 2) nurture fondness and admiration for your spouse; 3) turn toward your spouse instead of away from your spouse to prevent negativity from driving you apart; 4) avoid the pitfalls that lead to divorce by focusing on the problems you can solve instead of on the problems you cannot solve; 5) be flexible rather than rigid toward your spouse and allow your spouse to shape and influence you; 6) be willing to negotiate and compromise so as to overcome inevitable gridlocks; and 7) establish shared meaning—i.e., create a life and love between yourselves that you can both enjoy and appreciate.

The main thrust of the book is that a happy marriage is not born of fairy-tale romance: it takes giving of the self. As a spouse, one should try to understand who one’s partner is and who one’s partner wants to be. Apply gentleness to all of your interactions with your spouse, whether you are paying a compliment or compromising to overcome gridlock. Interactions should not be abrasive like sandpaper or full of fury like a hurricane. They should be gentle and kind, like a fine spring rain. The best marriages are those in which spouses honor and respect one another, take time to give to the other without casting judgment, and always remember that one’s goal is not one’s own self-satisfaction in a marriage but rather to love one’s spouse without expectation of anything in return. In this spirit of selfless giving, one will find, however, that much is received from one’s spouse in return.

Response

I understand completely what Gottman and Silver (2004) mean when they note, “I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just five minutes” (p. 5). I have seen this myself. It is a certain quality of interaction between the two spouses that conveys everything about how they view themselves and their significant other. I predicted that two of my friends would divorce before their marriage even took place because I could hear in their voices how much they detested giving themselves completely to the other person—no hint of resignation even—just total expectation of receiving, receiving, and receiving. The point that Gottman and Silver (2004) make is that no marriage will last when one or two spouses view themselves as the center and their spouse as some role player in the story of their own lives.

I really wanted my friends’ relationship to work, but from the moment I first saw them together I knew they were not approaching marriage the right way. To them, marriage was a goal—not a process. They saw the wedding day as like crossing the finish line. Each would say, “I want things this way or that way,” and neither cared much for what the other thought, wanted, or had to say. When one finally did compromise it was as though it were the biggest pain ever in life and he or she had no intention of making a habit of doing it. I saw it in their body language, the way they would constantly turn the focus of any situation to themselves and their own desires. Once one of them said, “I hope he doesn’t expect me to cook for him!” I was floored. It was as though neither understood what “two in one flesh” really meant (Mark 10:8). If you would cook for yourself, then why wouldn’t you think to cook for your spouse? In marriage there is no more he or she, you or me—there is only we. As Scripture says, when you marry two become one person—so no more self-centeredness.

Reflection

One thing I would like more information on is what to do when one person in a marriage is giving, but the other is not. It can be very hard for that giving person to receive nothing in return. Others might even put pressure on that person to divorce the other because it is obvious that he or she is not very loving to the spouse, who gives all and gets nothing back. When peers or family put pressure on one like this it can add to the tension and burden that the giving spouse faces. How can that spouse persevere in such a situation? I think that there is probably a great deal the spouse can to persevere and that it begins with prayer. God hears all prayers and answers them in time, so it would make sense that if a giving spouse wants to hang in there and make the marriage work, a good deal of prayer will be needed to convert the partner. I would like to have seen the authors discuss this idea a bit more because prayer is a reality in every marriage and it needs to be there. It was God’s plan for two people to come together as one and He wants to be part of that marriage—so couples need to include Him in it. I think the reason so many marriages end in divorce is simply that there is no prayer life in the marriage.

Application

The information in the book influences my own personal growth process by getting me to think about how I act in my relationship. Am I thinking about myself first, my desires, my wants, and my needs—or am I considering my partner and trying to understand what my partner wants, needs, and desires? I am thinking about actions steps in this regard: I need to take steps to make sure my partner feels loved, honored, and respected.