Identifying changeable and unchangeable issues in marital counseling

Conflicts in Marital Counseling

Although conflict constitutes "an inevitable, natural process in important romantic relationships and can contribute positively to the relationship's creation and stability," when a husband and a wife do not resolve conflicting issues, frustration, disaffection, and dissolution frequently result. (Peterson, 1983; Wood & Duck, 1995, Duck, 1988; Bray & Jouriles, 1995; Kayser, 1993; cited by Pistole & Arricale, 2003) "The inability to manage conflict effectively (e.g., to reach satisfactory resolution) harms the relationship." (Gottman, 1994a; Gottman & Levenson, 1992; cited by Pistole & Arricale, 2003)

To Change or Not to Change?

Specific concerns that may regularly be raised in a marital counseling setting, research suggests, evolve from two sorts of issues that may have ultimately lead the husband and wife to seek marital counseling. Sixty percent of marital issues fall into the category of things that "cannot" be changed, Reverend Ken Potts, a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove, also author of the book: Take One a Day. The "cannot" change category relates to things a person cannot really change that much. Only about 40% of marital issues, Potts concludes, constitute ones husbands and wives have the chance to actually resolve. Consequently, one of the most important things a husband/wife needs to do in his/her marriage is to identify that 60%, the two categories that include:

Issues which arise from things one cannot change, and Issues evolving from things one can change. ("Got Perennial Marital Conflicts? Learn What Can Be Changed," 2004, p. 3)

When a person does not or cannot accept the difference between what he/she can and/or cannot changes, Potts contends, and if he/she does not correctly sort out issues he/she faces into the "cannot" and "can" categories, he/she may seriously damage his/her marriage. Some things are so grounded in each person; in his/her basic personality they cannot be changed. Potts points out a number of these issues in the following questions he uses in martial counseling to remind husbands and wives, a person may have to ability to adapt some in these areas, but not totally. Basically, these categories depict some that one cannot easily change:

Is the husband/wife naturally an ordered and structured individual or more laid back and casual?

Does he/she view the world through a more rational or emotional lens?

Is he/she an intuitive, big picture person; or is he/she a nuts and bolts, detail type?

Is he a highly social person who obtains energized by being with others, or is he/she more quiet and reserved and need regular alone time to recharge his/her batteries?

What level of sexual frequency does he/she prefer? What is his/her preferred love-making style?

Does he/she enjoy a high level of activity in his/her day or do he/she need a more reserved pace?

Not So Easy to Change Issues

The second category of issues, evolving more from a person's upbringing and choices he/she makes, albeit, represents ones an individual can change.

How does he/she celebrate holidays?

What are his/her favorite foods and restaurants?

What does he/she believe to be the best way to discipline children?

What roles do drugs and alcohol play in his/her life?

How does he/she spend and/or invest his/her money?

How does he/she resolve or attempt to avoid conflict?

Not only is it vital for individuals in a marriage to identify issues that cannot and can be changed, Potts states, it is also crucial to remember that just because a person can change in a particular area does not mean he/she will be willing to change. The negative effects of conflict damage to relationships, such as complaining and criticizing, may lead to contempt, which may lead to defensiveness, and which may lead to listener withdrawal from interaction or stonewalling. (Pistole & Arricale, 2003)

When conflict and/or concerns in a marriage or other relationship are not resolved, a "global negative view of the entire relationship: its history, meaning, and philosophy" (Gottman, 1993, p. 65; cited by Pistole & Arricale, 2003), "distress-maintaining cognitions (e.g., hurt and righteous indignation or hurt and perceived attack) become stable negative attributions or interpretations of the partners' behavior." (Pistole & Arricale, 2003) Consequently, unless a husband and wife resolve their conflicts/issue, the combination of a global negative view of the relationship and distress-maintaining cognitions "generalizes to and cascades the relationship to thoughts of separation and dissolution." (Pistole & Arricale, 2003)

Better or Worse?

The newspaper subtitle: "Marital counseling may only make things worse," completely contradicted the meaning of the article entitled: Most Couples Counseling Does Work. Contrary to the subtitle, "the main thrust of the article was that couples therapy is complex, specialized work that requires skills in empirically validated, effective approaches." ("Most Couples Counseling Does," 2005, p. A11) This paper examines a number of those skills and approaches.

Experts have traditionally advocated two extensive positions regarding the nature of helping services for persons from various populations. "One position, grounded primarily in person-centered approaches, essentially holds that 'helping is helping.' (Loesch & Burch-Ragan, 2003, p. 327)

The following depicts a sample of contemporary marital counseling from TV, facilitated by "Dr. Phil"

Healing starts from within.

Part of the problem in many relationships is that neither partner is willing to take ownership of their mistakes. Dr. Phil tells Chris and Stacy, "If you're going to heal a relationship in a family, it starts with you." He advises the couple to be introspective, and face the personal barriers that have prevented them from moving their marriage forward. Ask yourself: How do you contribute to or contaminate your relationship?

Face your control issues.

Dr. Phil tells Stacy that she damages her relationship with Chris because she feels the need to maintain a "death grip" on her marriage. He observed that her control issues stem from a need to protect herself so that she doesn't get hurt. "At times, that goes so far as, 'Get them before they get me,'" he explains. "Trust in others has so much to do with how much confidence and trust we have in ourselves." Often this includes letting go of the need for hypervigilance, and getting real about our fears.

Give yourself credit.

We've all had to deal with those negative inner voices that tell us we're not good enough, we'll never be loved or we're not entitled to happiness. He advised Stacy to stop doubting herself, and stay plugged into the positive things she has achieved in her marriage. Despite everything that she's been through in her life, Dr. Phil tells Stacy, "You need to give yourself credit for saying, 'I'm still here.'" Silencing those inner demons requires a change in your perspective.

Understand your history.

Many relationships are sabotaged when a partner brings in emotional baggage from past disappointments. In Stacy's case, Dr. Phil discovered that some of her trust issues stemmed from not having had a good relationship with her mother. "Everybody has a way of being in the world," he tells Stacy. "Yours is that you don't trust anybody." Recognize that personal barriers from the past may keep you from plugging in to your relationship.

Behave your way to success.

There's a thin line between 'fake it 'til you make it,' and behaving your way to success," Dr. Phil points out. If you want confidence, you have to take on a confident posture. This can be as simple as putting more confidence in your walk and in your demeanor. If your issue is trust, put yourself in situations where you have to behave in a trusting manner. Real change comes from within.

What's your approach?

Dr. Phil reminds us that attitude is all about how you approach things in life. He asks, "Are you being open-minded? Are you considering the things that you may avoid out of fear?" He urges Stacy to take a different approach to communicating with her husband. Instead of yelling at her husband or testing him, Dr. Phil advises Stacy to give herself and her husband credit for their commitment to making the relationship work. (McGraw, 2008, 145)

Divergent and Competing Theories

Biblical counseling, also known nouthetic counseling (from the Greek word for "admonish" or "instruct"), reportedly originates from the work of Jay Adams, a mid-20th-century pastor.

In "Psychology and Christianity: Four Views," Eric Johnson and Stanton Jones contend Adams' book, Competent to Counsel, to be reportedly, severely criticize psychiatry and psychotherapy. The National Association of Nouthetic Counselors and the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation, which Adams founded in 1968, nevertheless, support Biblical counseling. Wayne Oates, a pioneer in the movement to integrate secular psychology with theology, wrote 57 books, includingThe Christian Pastor, which shaped the pastoral counseling field. Wade Rowatt, one of Oates's students states, Oates led counselors to become informed about "...understanding persons through personality theory, and understanding families through family systems theory, and understanding groups of people, understanding society, and then integrate [these understandings] with sound biblical theological scholarship in constructing a theory for the pastoral shepherding of persons." Others, such as Russell Moore, dean of Southern's school of theology, on the other hand, bluntly insist Oates's approach to constitute a "failed" model.

You can't simply say you're going to integrate the science of psychotherapy with scripture." Moore argues, "because there are only sciences and theories of psychotherapy that are contradictory and incoherent." The implication that pastoral care and counseling and not and have not been Biblical, Vicki Hollon, executive director of the Wayne Oates Institute in Louisville, insists, was creating a false dichotomy. Hollon contends that Southern officials created the proverbial straw man. "And their movement away from science reveals a lack of faith, or at least a fear that somehow science is outside the realm of God's creation and domain." Some secular counselors encourage clients, including those in marital counseling, to refrain from reading the Bible and to stop going to church if that made them feel worse. Stuart Scott, a former pastor and current professor and convert to biblical counseling, became disillusioned with the answers psychology gives. Scott states he found his confidence in the Bible began to wane at one point when he practiced secular counseling. He questioned, "What good is the Bible if it's not helping God's people?'" While counseling one couple experiencing marriage problems, Scott began to utilize the process of asking the couple questions and then would help them apply scripture to their marital issues. "As a result,' Scott said, 'the Holy Spirit began to change the couple and helped them resolve issues ranging from depression to hostility.'" This in turn, inspired him, Scott said, to learn more on how God's Word deals with spiritually-based issues.

Loren Townsend teaches pastoral counseling at Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary and reports some clients he sees have been hurt by biblical counseling, as they are "doubly burdened: Not only haven't they been able to get over their depression following the biblical example, but now they're also a failure as Christians because they had inadequate faith to be able to do that." In some situations, however, the biblical counseling approach can help, Townsend admits. He argues, however, when a counselor rejects the behavioral sciences, Biblical counseling abandons a source of vital information God made available for them. David Powlison, editor of the Journal of Biblical Counseling, argues the discipline of psychology's divergent and competing theories undermines it. "There is no unitary psychology," Powlison writes. "Modern psychology...is a marketplace of differing popular philosophies of life." Powlison stresses:

Various psychological theories only agree on one primary point, human dysfunctions can be solved without regard to God or God's design for humanity...All [secular psychologies] agree that the problem with people is anything but sin, and the problems can be explained in purely psychological, psychosocial or psychosocial-somatic terms.... Modern psychotherapy is simply the attempt to do face-to-face pastoral work in service to different gods, different ideals, different diagnoses, a different gospel.

Scott, who appears to agree with Powlison, states he addresses false assumptions head-on. When an individual, in and/or out of a marital counseling displays low self-esteem, he typically learns what judgments the person makes about him/her self. Scott notes: "In the book of Philippians it says, 'Think on things that are true.' So I want to bring those things over and say 'Are they true?'" Scott also probes various areas and relationships to identify the specific concerns/issues that contribute to a person's depression and/or other concerns. "Ultimately, all broken relationships and emotional issues are in some way related to the fall of Adam," Scott maintains. While some issues may trace back to a person's sin; others may be traced back to trials the person faces in a fallen world.

Hope-Focused Approach

Some counselors use a hope-focused approach in martial counseling sessions, particularly when clients are Christians. Hope, according to Worthington (2003) involves maintaining the motivation to change; ways/paths to change; perseverance to change, as depicted in the following figure (1).

Figure 1: Hope-Focused Approach in Marital Counseling (info from Worthington, 2003)

Worthington (2003) remains hopeful society and intervention specialists can still strengthen marriages, despite cultural influences currently challenging marriage as an institution. He uses these three hope-focused principles "to understand marriage and its future, to guide recommendations for public policy and preventive strategies, and to encourage helpers to continue to help couples."

Strategic techniques also need to be implemented outside of marital counseling settings to change current negative, social concepts regarding marriage, Worthington (2003) contends,. He recommends utilizing the following four guidelines to govern a needed campaign to strengthen marriages. This will in turn, Worthington (2003) purports, help strengthen communities, as well as individuals and couples in marriages.

Rebuild hope for/in marriage.

Do some new things and do them well to help people value marriage, and see that government support new and empirically supported programs.

Simultaneously attack counters to marriage on various fronts. Simply searching for a magic bullet to counter current, challenging divorce rates and the multitude of struggling marriages will not work.

Engage numerous community partners to support marriage.

In addition to increased community support, Worthington (2003) purports, Marriage partners "must be able to communicate, resolve their differences, and repair harms. Hope consists of the willpower to change plus the waypower," even when one cannot constantly see change as it occurs. (Worthington, 1999; cited by Worthington 2003)

Marital partners need and in marital counseling, can be helped to obtain:

a) the will to make their marriage better, b) access to the ways to make their marriage betters, and the faith to wait for their marriage to improve while they are actively trying to improve it."

In short," Worthington (2003) stresses, "couples need hope."

No distinctions between dimensions of a person's body, soul, and spirit are made in true soul care, David Benner (1998; cited by Doehring & Lorraine-Poirier, 2003) states. True soul care sees a person as aspects of one totality, with the body, soul and spirit having mutual and reciprocal influence. Currently, despite the fact individuals exist as a totality, in counseling, including marital counseling, "no well-articulated applied or clinical model(s) that effectively capture what an approach to care with a multifaceted focus would look like in practice." (Tisdale, Doehring & Lorraine-Poirier, 2003)

More than Change

Theresa Tisdale, who identifies herself as a Christian psychologist, teaches integration and clinical courses in the doctoral and masters programs at Azusa Pacific University. Transformation and what she terms "essential relatedness," relate to her clinical practice. The term, "essential relatedness," Tisdale explains, reflects that humans as created in God's image. A vital element of that image consists of the intimate connection between Father, Son, and Spirit. "In a similar way, humans are created to relate intimately with self (dimensions of body, soul, and spirit), others, God, and creation. (Tisdale, Doehring & Lorraine-Poirier, 2003)

Psychodynamic Theory "Psychodynamic theory," Tisdale stresses, "terms insight and repair (working through), in a theologically informed paradigm are revelation and redemption. The method looks similar in ways [to psychotherapy], but the outcome is healing and transformation, not simply change." (Tisdale, Doehring & Lorraine-Poirier, 2003)

In the past, spirituality and religion have been acknowledged as important aspects of multiculturalism. Recently, however, spirituality has reportedly received increased attention in the counseling field. "The role of spiritual and religious beliefs is mentioned throughout the Standards of the Council for Accreditation of Counseling and Related Educational Programs (CACREP), and guidelines for working with spiritual issues within various cultural paradigms are emerging." (Briggs & Rayle, 2005) Although the value of spiritual and religious beliefs has been confirmed, some counselor educators still seem unsure how to infuse spiritual issues into courses. Consequently, Briggs & Rayle (2005) set about to present a rationale for inclusion of spiritual issues in counselor education curricula, as they simultaneously provide activities to incorporate knowledge and skills for dealing with spiritual and religious diversity in CACREP core courses. In one activity, Briggs & Rayle (2005) report, students might evaluate situations involving clients' spirituality and counseling practice and discuss ethical implications of these specific situations. From this exercise, students consider scenarios where spiritual or religious concerns may be best omitted from initial sessions or in cases when/if clients are referred to other professionals. (Miller, 2003; cited by Briggs & Rayle, 2005). The following questions illustrate the type students may brainstorm in class or develop in a journal:

1. What are your views concerning religion and spirituality?

2. How do you believe these views will affect your counseling role?

3. How will you be able to empathize with clients who have differing spiritual values than your own?

4. How will you keep your own spiritual values/beliefs from inappropriately influencing the counseling relationship? (Briggs & Rayle, 2005)

Willingness to forgive and be forgiven (Rosen-Grandon, Myers & Hattie, 2004)

The counselor's task, Rosen-Grandon, Myers and Hattie (2004) purport, is to "help the spouses clarify their own feelings about the marriage (i.e., the importance of and their satisfaction with marital characteristics), develop insight about their marital behaviors and the nature of their reciprocal interpersonal interactions (i.e., marital interaction processes), and learn to communicate their differing needs to each other." To do this, this research suggests, could best be achieved by the counselor, first and foremost clarifying his/her feelings about the marital counseling process, developing insight about marital behaviors and the nature of reciprocal interpersonal interactions (i.e., marital interaction processes), and learn to communicate not only the need, but help a husband and wife learn effective ways to communicate their differing physical, emotional and spiritual needs to one another.

The following figure (2) depicts the "pathways" Rosen-Grandon, Myers and Hattie (2004) purport.

Figure 2: Pathways to a Successful Marriage (Rosen-Grandon, Myers & Hattie, 2004)

Marital Counseling Considerations

Regarding online counseling noted by Haberstroh, Duffey, Evans, Gee and Trepal (2007), this researcher suggests that the fact online counseling "offers a unique forum for written interaction between a professional and client that can focus on the cognitive and emotional qualities of clinical issues," as well as, personal support and feedback, this method could, in some instances, prove more beneficial than individual journaling. In addition to the considerations a counselor must make regarding theories, this researcher agrees with Potts' pertinent points regarding change. Not only is it important that marriage partners identify issues that cannot and can be changed, it is not only it is also vital they remember that just because a person can change in a particular area does not mean he/she will be willing to change. It is crucial to remember, this researcher contends, that the only person an individual can change is him/her self. Ultimately, however, the statement in a newspaper article related to marriage and children best states what this researcher contends to mirror the primary intervention for healing hurting individuals in troubled marriages:

Love, contrary to popular belief, is not self-sustaining but requires work and a decision to love." ("Marriage and Children," 2007, p. A18) When marital counseling helps those hurting individuals to realize God's healing love, to love Him and themselves, then they can best, this researcher argues, love their mates. In turn, marriage will not constitute more than a "...fierce battle... because loving each other is the most audacious of enterprises...." - Honore De Balzac (1799-1850) (the Columbia World, 1996)

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