Self Compassion and Fear of Selfishness

Self-compassion is an important concept to understand because it falls under the category of self-care. Selfishness on the other hand does not. Selfishness is commonly associated with actions that may satisfy a certain desire but that do not actually promote a holistic good. Self-compassion on the other hand is oriented towards helping the self. Bowen (2017) states that one should look at it this way: self-compassion is about showing love to yourself in the same way you would show it to your neighbor. So often people get caught up in the need to please others, satisfy others, and serve others that they never take the time to take care of their own needs. It is important, in such cases, to step back and take a little self-compassion on oneself.
Self-compassion is synonymous with self-care. It is like maintenance of the self. If one buys a car, one has to service it and maintain it—otherwise it won’t work when you go out to start it. The oil needs changing routinely; the gas tank needs filling; the lights need changing—and so on. The same goes with the self. In order for you as a person to be any good to anyone, you have to take care of yourself—show compassion to yourself. Be mindful of yourself and your needs—don’t try to stuff them under the mattress or box them away. Everyone’s needs are important: they are what call out to be fulfilled because they are what keep us all going. To ignore them is to invite a collapse of the inner self, which is comparable to a car’s engine blowing up because one neglected to put oil in.
Selfishness is a little different. To extend the analogy, if someone properly maintains a car, he is considered wise because he takes care of that which is his. If on the other hand one spends all one’s time thinking about the car, spending all one’s money on the car, decking it out in gold and silver with all the finest parts, when one doesn’t even have enough money to pay the bills, he is considered unwise because it is like he is spoiling the car and not showing any moderation in his care of it. The same goes for the self. One can spoil the self, give it everything little thing that it wants to the point where if any urge is denied, the self goes crazy. This is what happens when one is inherently selfish—every little urge is viewed as all-important. The self-compassionate person on the other hand understands the good in moderation—because compassion focuses on the good, not on satisfying every single urge or desire that arises. If one spends all one’s energy and focus on satisfying every desire that arises in the self, the self will have no time or energy for others. And it is important not to forget that we also have to show love to others—not just to ourselves. So selfishness really has no place in self-compassion, which is mainly just another term for proper self-care.
Self-compassion is also about coming to terms with oneself, one’s strengths and one’s weaknesses. When we show compassion to others, we do not judge them. We accept them as they are and do not mind their faults. Self-compassion works the same way (Bowen, 2017). We forgive ourselves, which is an important stepping in learning to grow and develop. Self-compassionating does not mean that one becomes smugly self-satisfied, believing that one’s faults are nothing and that since one can accept one’s faults everyone else should too. No, demonstrating self-compassion is about accepting one’s faults so that one can then begin to address them. If one refuses to acknowledge who one is, then that person is living in a state of denial and true knowledge and appreciation of the self will never be attained and proper development will never be accomplished.
Mevlana’s 7 advices can help to illuminate what it means to have self-compassion still further. The 7 advices consist of the following:
1. In generosity and helping others be like a river.
2. In compassion and grace be like the sun.
3. In concealing others’ faults be like the night.
4. In anger and fury be like the dead.
5. In modesty and humility be like the earth.
6. In tolerance be like a sea.
7. Either exist as you are or be as you look.
The first advice is to be like the river. What does this mean? The river is always flowing: it feeds the animals of the wild and also feeds the animals within its stream. When it comes to being a friend to one’s neighbors, one should therefore be like the river—always flowing with goodness and support.
Second, one should be like the sun. How so? The sun is always bright, warm, and responsible for life. To be like the sun means to be mindful of how all things need warmth and light in order to grow. The sun does not condemn or refuse to shine just because men are bad. It sends its light and rays all the same—because life must continue to go on and things must grow—and that is the attitude we should adopt both with others as well as with ourselves.
Third, being like the night with regard to others’ faults means to not see them. When it comes to self-compassion, one should act the same towards one’s self. Do not constantly condemn yourself for not being perfect; do not condemn others either. The night hides all—and you should not go about trying to expose the faults of others or of yourself. We all know them and know we must work on them. That is enough.
Fourth, the dead do not show anger or any emotion—they have no life. So, here, Mevlana says that we should not give life to our anger and fury. When anger and fury arise, pretend you are a dead person. Watch the anger vanish. Act this way with others and with yourself when you become frustrated with yourself. This is what it means to be self-compassionating.
Fifth, the earth is always giving and is in abundance. When it comes to showing modesty and humility there is no such thing as too much. Who would scold the trees for growing too many flowers and giving too many apples? The same goes with modesty and humility. In fact, if we show modesty and humility, all faults will take care of themselves, for these two qualities are like disinfectant for the soul.
Sixth, how do we think of the sea? It touches all things and does not refuse its flow in any one direction. It goes right up to the earth and laps its shores. To be tolerant is to be like the sea, always the same, always there, always accepting of its own nature and rhythms.
Seventh, Mevlana states that one should not try to put on an exterior or a front that hides the true self. Either be on the inside what you show to others on the outside, or show others on the outside what you know yourself to be on the inside. Being two persons is not a strategy for health of mind, body or spirit.
Mevlana’s 7 advices help to convey the idea of what it means to be self-compassionating. Inherent in the advices is the essence of what it means to compassionate: a compassionate person is full of good will towards others; and to be self-compassionate is to show that same goodness of will to one’s self.

References
Bowen, E. (2017). The importance of practicing self compassion. Retrieved from
https://www.enderbowen.com/god-jots/difference-selfishness-self-compassion/