Positive images of sexuality: emotional connection and spiritual intimacy

Theology

Sexuality:

Describe a positive image involving sexuality and its source (where or how did you get this idea?)

My first positive image involving sexuality was the direct result of the confidences of a close friend. I still remember the feeling of awe and wonder that her description aroused in me even though I was really experiencing the sensation vicariously. We must have been no more than around eleven or twelve years old and like all girls at that stage in life were prone to talking about boys, love, and sex, though we really had little understanding of either the relationships involved or its physical manifestations. Frankly speaking, until that particular conversation, the images we had of sex and sexuality were more in the realm of the forbidden and therefore sinful though like all other human beings, we were very aware of the changes in our physical body, and our changing awareness, even sensitization to the opposite sex. The positive image my friend shared with me is important because it constituted a major perceptual change in my view of sexuality. She described a moment in time where she walked into her parent's bedroom inadvertently to find her mother sitting in front of her dressing mirror. She had obviously just emerged from her bath judging by the fact that the only garment she wore was a towel wrapped around her body with a second one adorning her head turban style. Her father was standing behind her mother, bending over her with his hands on her shoulders, stroking her bare skin. The fact is my friend had previously been witness to many such similar actions of physical intimacy between her parents. This particular moment, however, made a deep impression on my friend and subsequently myself because of the physical awareness and emotional connection that she saw transmitting between her parents, which was clearly reflected in the mirror facing them. What did she see? She saw her parents' eyes connecting in the mirror, and in both pairs of eyes, she could see the wealth of a range of emotions, from love and tenderness to sexual arousal and an awareness of the deep physical intimacies to follow. Most important, she saw and described a moment where two souls had connected emotionally though the words used are hard to describe something that can only be understood experientially.

Write what insights, feelings, and judgments this positive image invokes within you?

The most important insight offered by the above-described image of sexuality is the fact that sexuality goes beyond the mere joining of two human bodies. True sexuality is more about a state of connectedness between two souls beyond the physical plane. And that's the type of sexuality that any human being should look to cultivating. To realize this, however, an individual needs to understand that the power of sexuality lies in an individual's capacity to love and feel passionately about sharing that emotion with another. Thus, sexuality really is intimacy between two individuals in its ultimate and fullest form, as it is a medium to give and receive mutual and equal pleasure. In my judgment, therefore, sexuality that is devoid of intimacy is hedonistic and self-indulgent. Further, I believe that self-absorption usually leads to an individual's sexuality failing to satisfy his or her partner, either physically or emotionally.

Describe a negative image involving sexuality and its source.

Every time I watch a TV report or read a newspaper article on a woman being raped or worse, a child being sexually abused, the images involving sexuality thus evoked are highly negative and distasteful.

Write what insights, feelings, and judgments this negative image evokes within you.

The negative images of a helpless and perhaps emotionally as well as physically weaker human being, be it man, woman, or child, being exploited for sexual satisfaction reveals that sexuality can indeed lead to perverse and sinful acts. The sin lies in not just physical abuse and violence, but in the violation of a person's soul and spirit. Thinking of such acts evokes a feeling of outrage that human beings can actually stoop to such low levels purely for the sake of the physical release of the sexual act, or because rape and sexual abuse affords them a feeling of power which they otherwise cannot obtain. Indeed, such manifestations of human sexuality evokes the feeling that in some respects or in the case of some people, the human spirit has not risen much above basic animal instincts. In fact, examining the negative side of human sexuality leads to an understanding as to why social institutions such as marriage, family and religion are required to control an aspect of human nature, which could negatively affect human civilization and progress if left to run rampant. Thus, in my judgment, the development of human sexuality, whether for purposes of human bonding and intimacy or procreation, should be carefully guided by social and religious values and teachings.

Which of the two "experiences" seem to come closer to representing Christianity's contribution to your own current appreciation of sexuality? Why?

The negative images discussed earlier come closer to Christianity's contributions to my current appreciation of sexuality. This is because the primary inference in Christianity's teachings is that sexuality and spirituality are contrary forces, and that the former impulse needs to be controlled and conquered for an individual's spiritual development. This is implicit in Christianity's belief that sexuality led to The Original Sin.

Does your judgment affect the way in which you strive to lead your life sexually? How so?

Certainly, my judgment concerning sexuality affects the way I conduct my life. Given my view that true sexuality is a deep and abiding intimacy between two human beings, I naturally would never dream of indulging in casual liaisons. For me, my body is an extension of my spirit and to that extent, it is my spirit that dictates my biological or sexual drives.

Who helped you through this passage and how was it finally concluded?

There were several avenues that I turned to in my search for a solution. One, I spoke to my parents about the problem I was facing and heard them out when they counseled me that supporting a friend worked two ways. That my friend, too, needed to understand that she was demanding a personal sacrifice on my part that could possibly compromise my future career goals. This was key to the two of us reaching a compromise, and if the relationship was to mature. Unfortunately, the friend in question was going through a passage in her own life, which was proving to be too traumatic for her. The loss of a parent, the break up of a romantic relationship, and financial problems that were placing a big question mark on her own professional goals. As such, she needed a friend to hold her hand constantly, which was something that I simply could not do without sacrificing my own student and professional goals. Nevertheless, I did try to make her understand and reach some kind of agreement on how much time I could spare. In fact, for a while, I sacrificed all the rest time I had to try and juggle between all the demands on my time. Finally, I realized that the resultant stress was beginning to affect my concentration and health. It was at this point in time that I also happened to come across an article on Visions of Maturity by Carol Gilligan, which helped me realize that I had to choose between nurturing an attachment and being true to my own self. But the fact is to do so, the young idealistic girl had to die for the grown woman to emerge; a woman who understood that without pain, there was no gain and that every person had to ultimately work towards taking responsibility for themselves.

Besides being a "life passage," was there also the possibility of spiritual growth in it? As you look back on this important transition, can you sense God at work in it? Was there some force outside (or inside) yourself leading you to change and grow?

Yes, I do believe that this particular "life passage" was also a period of personal spiritual growth. Had I refused to accommodate a friend's needs purely because I preferred to spend my leisure hours in fun and entertainment rather than in comforting a friend, I would have been purely self-indulgent. But the fact is that the choice I faced was between a vocation where I hoped to spend a lifetime in service of the sick and needy and the needs of just one person. Thus, the sacrifice of one person for hopefully the benefit of many, made the decision to let go worthwhile besides teaching me that personal sacrifice was always going to be called for by my vocation. This meant a conscious decision to place the needs of humanity ahead of my own personal needs and the needs of family and friends. Looking back, I certainly think that God was at work here. First, in enabling such an experience early on in my vocation, which helped me understand the demands and reconfirm that the medical profession was indeed my vocation. Secondly, as a pre-medical student, I already had the benefit of an outside force helping me make up my mind in terms of all the suffering I was witnessing on a daily basis. And by suffering, I am referring to not just the patients but the suffering of their families and dear ones as well. Thus, the presence of this outside force helped me choose between working towards easing a far more serious problem caused by circumstances beyond the control of the patients and their loved ones and the easing of my own pain and that of a friend, which to my mind was well within our control to resolve. For, simply put, it was a question of facing life with courage and equanimity instead of giving in to self-pity and taking the easy way out. Harsh words to use to describe a friend's pain but I think, objective ones. As for an inside force at work, the only way I can describe it is that it was a kind of certainty, a knowledge that working to restore patients' health was my life's purpose and mission, which had to be fulfilled as God's work and what I was perhaps created to do.

What was the grace of this passage - the surprising ability to let go of some part of yourself (the ability to die to yourself so that a new reality could be born)?

The grace of this passage lay in the realization that there is always some gain to be had from painful situations, which strengthens a person's understanding of life and ability to handle it as long as one is guided by certain spiritual principles such as choosing between the needs of the few vs. The needs of many or that too much sympathy and mollycoddling can actually work towards the detriment of a loved one's psychological well-being.

Did you sense the need for inner courage to face a new stage in your life?

Yes, there was a clear need for inner courage in order to face the pain of being accused of not being a true friend. In addition, I sensed that I was going to need a great deal of inner courage right through my career as I was likely to face the same kind of choices between personal needs and the demands of my work over and over again.

Were you amazed at the "new life" that resulted from your (eventual) willingness to "let go" and die to yourself?

Indeed, the right word is amazing. Once I was clear about my choices and the rightness or wrongness about each, I felt clearheaded, strong, and convinced about the path I had to take. The clarity of vision and the determination was a totally new experience for me as until then I had faced many a doubt and some amount of uncertainty about my own ability to be dedicated to my chosen work.

Section C - Generativity

Describe an event in which you engaged yourself with generativity

As a premedical student, I often volunteer at a nearby hospital. It was during one such visit that I came across a young six-year-old girl in the visitor's lounge. She seemed all alone and was just sitting there quietly clutching at her doll. Now, as policy, children were not permitted in the hospital cancer ward. Yet, here was this little girl. Curious, I enquired with the nurse on duty about her and discovered that the hospital had made an exception in her case, as there was no one to take care of her while her mother, a cancer patient, was in hospital. Further, her mother could not afford day care. So, the little girl stayed in the hospital when she was not attending school. Moved by the little one's plight, I visited her mother and found a parent distraught over the fact that her child was more or less on her own though the hospital staff were doing their best to ensure that she ate regularly and had access to recreational material from the children's ward. The child's mother was even more frantic that soon the social worker attached to the hospital would be notified and that the child would be taken away and placed in foster care. At first, all I did was listen in sympathy and try to comfort the ill, distraught woman. But that evening I simply could not get either the mother or the child out of my mind. In fact, I found it hard to concentrate on my studies. I kept wondering if there wasn't anything I could do to take care of the child and thereby give her mother at least a measure of peace. Now, the fact was that I was already putting in 18-hour days between classes, my volunteer work at the hospital and my studies. Given my schedule, I really did not see what I could do other than spend time with the little girl while I was in the hospital. The next day I set out to do exactly that when I learnt that the hospital had indeed decided that it was in the child's best interests to notify the social worker. Needless to say, the mother was frantic and positively making herself even more ill with worry. It was then that I decided to offer to take care of the child in spite of my knowing that it meant missing classes and study time for an indeterminate amount of time.

What processes led you to the respective decision to be generative?

Though I had been totally focused on my self and work ever since I had left behind the attachments of my home and adolescence years for a while, seeing the plight of the mother and her child moved me into remembering the close and generative relationship my mother had with all her children and just how much that had helped in making me into the kind of person I am today. This helped me decide that since the child was already in danger of ultimately going into the foster care system with her mother suffering from terminal cancer, the least I could do was offer both mother and child at least temporary relief.

Describe in some detail how you felt about your decision to be generative.

Words, as always, are really inadequate to describe this type of experience, but nevertheless attempting to put the experience into words, I felt incredibly sure that I was doing the right thing in spite of knowing that it was going to cause a set back in my semester schedule. What made me feel so good was to find in myself the capacity to extend care beyond medical aid.