Women and men in communication

Women, Men Communication

It has often been said that the teenagers of today grow up to fast, that their lives become mirrors of adult life rapidly as they begin working and managing their own time. Many people also claim that there are very limited opportunities for the young person to experience rites of passage that allow them to be embraced by the community in which they live and accepted as an adult and that in the past these opportunities have been present and available to young people, both male and female in many cultures and locals. It could also be argued that the opportunities for these rites of passage are waning as a result of secularization, and immigration, as such rights are commonly religious and/or culturally based. One expert on rites of passage made these observations and posed these questions with regard to rites of passage;

Today's teenagers, she felt, are without moorings or elders capable of transmitting enduring human values to the young. I admitted that, like her, I was concerned about my children's transition into adulthood: If wise elders don't initiate adolescents, won't adolescents initiate themselves? But who, I mused, will train us uninitiated adults in the art of initiating? (Grimes, 2000, p. 2)

Grimes stresses in his work that rites of passage, which no longer have a foundational lineage are currently being sought by modern parents as a way to assist in the laborious process of guiding young people toward the right, rather than toward self-defined social mores and standards that are not always agreeable to living an upstanding role in society. In other words if parents and communities continue to allow a limited line of communication for teens, and continue to allow the pressures and exposures of modern life to influence teens they will likely define adulthood on their own, and run the risk of doing so ineffectively. Revivals of or creation of rites of passage traditions, for girls has likely been in correlation to feminist thought and research, as feminism and the attempt to bring women into the world as equal and knowledgeable adults often dominates the thinking of parents and communities regarding girls. (Grimes, 2000, p. 155) Rites of passage for boys seem to have then waned, though there is also a more current revival at hand for this. The challenge it seems for boys is that rites of passage, culturally have been associated with traditional experiences, sometimes strength and violence related and as these issues are no longer acceptable for expression in modern life rites of passage have no foundation to be reborn from. (Grimes, 2000, p. 99) Excluding of course the Jewish faith and culture that stresses knowledge above action and whose tradition is based upon religious knowledge rather than knowledge of hunting, sexuality or physical strength. (Grimes, 2000, p. 62) Our modern culture no longer wishes our children be married, bearing children or expressing base instinctual traditions that would not be acceptable in public, when they are in their teens, those these things occur in a break through way and are seen not as prideful rites of passage but errors in good judgment. It is in fact these premature or unacceptable events in a teens life, that are attempting to be eradicated by the guidance that would be offered to a girl or boy from a parental or community-based positive rite of passage. (Lynch, 1999, p. 38)

This work will compare the genders by comparing expressions of rites of passage for young girls and boys. The work will examine the rites of passage that occur for teens in the form of the quinceaneras (Mexico) as compared to the "sweet 16" party (U.S.) but for boys the traditions are harder to find and largely associated with industry, driving, and wage earning and are clearly much more subtle than they have been in the past. Each of these "rites" for girls marks a particular year in the life of a child, in the case of the quinceaneras the 15th and in the case of the Sweet 16 obviously the 16th. The work will also touch on the general desire by some to renew rites of passage for both girls and boys, to help mitigate and/or prevent the sometimes destructive human behaviors that occur for some, as a result of opportunity, exposure and a perceived lack of guidance.

The tradition of the quinceaneras is actually nearly exclusive to girls, as is the sweet 16 party in the U.S. It seems that the rights of passage that were traditionally offered to both boys and girls at times have been offered almost exclusively to boys are again changing and now are offered almost exclusively to girls. The kinds of rights of passage that boys experience seem to be much more subtle and are often associated not with a celebration but with events such as obtaining a driver's license, a car and in many cases beginning paid work. Though this can also be said for girls, especially in the U.S. The cultural traditions for girls have been reinvigorated to some degree while they have been nearly eliminated for boys. Male rights of passage have always been associated with work, be that work associated with the warrior or hunting industry or as in the Jewish culture the ability of a boy (at 13) to begin to be a harbinger of religious knowledge. There are some instances, though rare in both cultures where boys have quinceaneras or large parties for their sixteenth birthday in the U.S. these practices are not common and much less preparation goes into them, at least in the case of sweet sixteen parties. When quinceaneras are held for boys it is often simply for the sake of the mother, who has no daughters and wants to go through the experience of a quinceanera, hardly for the sake of the boy himself. This is simply observational information that cannot be corroborated by research as it is anecdotal rather than research based.

Historical views of rites of passage for women have evolved over the years and have come to mean different things in different cultures. In early European cultures the rites of passage for women often began an ended with marriage, as it was upon her marriage that the individual girl was acknowledged as being likely to survive into adulthood and potentially produce heirs. In certain societies these rites took place at the age of 12 or even earlier (depending on the wealth and connections of the family). Yet, in the upper classes at least these young women were governed by a totally different set of rules and standards that by virtue of a logical acknowledgement that the girl had not yet reached full sexual or physical maturity, was often not fully espoused in a mature sexual relationship until much later.

A study of the lives of elite women in England and France between 1050 and 1300 illustrates this reality. 2 Compared with twentieth century norms, their life stages were understood in different ways, and their paths to adulthood were marked by other events and phenomena than those that typically characterize modern-day coming-of-age experiences. (Stoertz, 2001, p. 22)

The understanding was enforced by the fact that living arrangements and the domestic roles of husbands and wives were decidedly different than they are today, as most couples (especially in wealthy homes) did not sleep together or even share the same areas of the home as each other. (Stoertz, 2001, pp. 22-23) in a sense the marriage ceremony and what we typically think of as an engagement party were one in the same, the child bride would be "married" often move to the home of her husband but not be expected to perform all the rights and duties of a wife until a few years had passed.

The puberty rights or rights of passage that are associated with the beginning of or even end of adolescence are frequent anthropological and cultural events, seen in many cultures. Some cultures, such as the above European example have combined such rites with the rites of marriage while others have (and some still do) participate in rites of passage that are wholly separate from marriage but signify the attainment of the age of conception;

Attaining Age: The most important event in the life of a village girl -even more important than her wedding -- is the occurrence of her first menstrual period and the ensuing ritual and festivities. While a young woman's wedding in a poor village like Suduwatura Ara is frequently a small event or totally lacking -- either the girl's parents are unable to pay for the dowry and the many trappings or the young couple elopes -the onset of the first menses, called "attaining age," provides a focus of attention for each girl in Sri Lanka. It is considered the rite of passage from girlhood into womanhood. Boys have no comparable ritual. (Baker, 2000, p. 62)

Similar cultural experiences, surrounding weddings are significant for boys as well, in some cultures, but again modern rites of passage are limited as marriage is delayed, and the modern take on adolescence is that individuals need to educate themselves, either in work or post-secondary education prior to marrying, "settling down," and raising a family. The possibility that such attention was paid to these event in earlier times in European cultures is obvious but absent from modern representations of rites of passage. What can be interesting is the correlation between the two rites of passage discussed here, the "sweet 16" party and the Quinceanera and their similarities to weddings. Because weddings are expected to be delayed, more so in U.S. culture but also in Mexican and other cultures, as a mark of good judgment some rites of passage and especially those for girls seem to have become mirrors or proxy weddings, where massive expenses are sometimes incurred and dress is decidedly formal.

It must first be understood that the quinceaneras is actually a religious rite performed in conjunction with a special mass in the Roman Catholic Church as well a blessing and a group of ceremonies for the 15-year-old girl, 15 of her friends and/or family members who are all around the same age, her parents, god parents and her extended family. The celebration can begin with special preparations including prayers, fasts and/or lectures and teachings provided by the bishop or priest of the Parrish church the young girl attends and ends with a celebration mass, special blessing and follows with a reception like party. The actual spiritual aspect of the ceremony is similar in character to the Bat Mitzvah (the female equivalent to a Bar Mitzvah) that occurs in the Jewish culture and is prepared for in Hebrew School, though it occurs in the 12th year (Zenner, 1988, p. 119-121) yet there is no official order to the Quinceaneras and the young woman does not lead the blessings of demonstrate religious learning in the manner of the Bat Mitzvah, or the Bar Mitzvah. (U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, "Fifteen Questions on the Quinceanera," NP)

In many ways the celebration is compared to a wedding as the quinceaneras is an acknowledgement of the bond between the church and the girl, as in traditional Mexican (and South American) culture the woman is the bringer of faith. The woman in this culture has traditionally been the one who is most active in the faith and who develops the home as a domestic place of worship, by building the altarcito in the home where prayers are offered for the living and the dead.

In the Hispanic community, traditionally it has been the women who hand on the faith. The abuelita (grandmother) holds a special place in the family for that reason… Women organize feast days, celebrate rituals and offer prayers. Hispanic women are the evangelizers and teachers of values, yet their leadership has often gone unrecognized. The Quince Anos Blessing publicly acknowledges this historic role. (USCCB, "Fifteen Questions on the Quinceanera," NP)

It is at the point where the ritual of the quinceaneras ends and the "reception" begins that in many ways the celebration takes on all the trappings of the secular "sweet 16" party seen in the U.S. Even the Conference of Catholic Bishops acknowledge that the quinceaneras often takes on an extremely important place in the family, to such a degree that is becomes exceedingly expensive and in some regards over the top, with spending outstripping the family's abilities to pay for it, something that can also be said for weddings, which are more egalitarian and independently paid for today (especially in the U.S.) but are traditionally paid for by the bride's family. The quinceaneras taking on this role, according to the Bishops is associated with the materialistic manner in which we live our lives. The Bishops also contend that the quinceaneras, which is a cultural rather than a national practice, as it occurs in Mexico, (some South American countries) and the U.S. among Catholic Latino families is a rite of passage that needs to be curtailed to its original meaning rather than commercialized and materialized as it has been, in part with the movement of it across the border. (USCCB, "Fifteen Questions on the Quinceanera," NP) the Quinceanera reception resembles that of a wedding and like the derivatives of the "sweet 16" party (mentioned later, the first cotillion and the debutant ball) the girl is more often than not expected to wear white, like at first communion or baptism, all expressions of virginity and purity.

The "sweet 16" party which occurs on or around the' 16th birthday, varies greatly from family to family but can also take on a proportion that is ridiculously commercial and materialistic, or can also be a simple party, like any other birthday party with some significance of meaning, acknowledging that the girl has to some degree become a woman. In the most extreme cases individuals can spend the cost of new home to arrange and properly "present" their daughter to the community as an adult. In general the significance of the 16th year for a girl is likely born from many traditional "coming of age" celebrations, such as the girls' first cotillion or a debutant ball (these terms are interchangeable and girls celebrating a "first cotillion" are often called debutants) practiced in the Southern U.S., mostly. (Fay, 2005, p. 29) the word cotillion is actually the name of a ballroom dance, the designation of first is significant in that the father (the giver of the girl to the community) is often the "first" dance partner. These events of course take on a complete different feel, with regard to boys, as the sweet sixteen party might be celebrated it will likely not be celebrates as a "sweet" sixteen party and often involves the young man's exposure to adult events, like drinking alcohol for the "first" time, driving ones new car either paid for by parents or earned by work and other such modern developments.

These two parties tend to occur between the 16th and 18th years are usually communal (unless the girl's family is very wealthy) and tend to occur only among the upper classes. They are commonly called "coming out" parties and are usually secular and are traditionally an expression of the family presenting the girl to the community as an eligible marriage partner. Though they have come to mean different things over the years, they are a symbolic expression of the father giving his daughter's hand to the community, in much the same way as the father traditionally gives the daughter to her groom at a wedding ceremony. (Rankin, 1999, p. 8) No such parties exist in any formal way for boys. Traditionally the party has been reserved only for upper class girls and is a formal affair, where the girls usually wear a white (wedding like) gown and are presented to the community one at a time with introductions that include family heritage and achievements, such as school, volunteer and/or future plans. (Rankin, 1999, p. 8)

The age of 16 is a common age of importance for girls in many cultures as is 15 in some and 12 in others, for various reasons, likely owning to the fact that this is the age that is thought of as the beginning of fertility, (see attainment of age rituals above) when the child's body has matured enough to bear children. Though the celebrations in most modern cultures including the Mexican and the American (though less so in the Mexican as a traditional age of marriage of 16 is still common practice) though there is evidence that average ages of first marriage are increasing in Mexico and in other areas in Latin America as they have in the U.S. One important observation made by Arriagada is also that the increases in age of marriage tend to effect the upper classes before the lower socioeconomic families as opportunities for higher education and other opportunities alternative to marriage for girls and boys are increased the wealthier your family is. (Arriagada, 2006, p. 511)