American Family Under Stress: Identity, Communication & Coping

Introduction

In today's high-tech digital world, understanding the family matrix has never been more difficult. On a daily basis, family units are continually bombarded by stimuli that can and do affect their educational, moral, and cultural development goals. Gone are the days when children simply learned the three "Rs," did chores at home, obeyed their parents unquestioningly, and completed a few minutes of homework. Gone are the days when only the father worked and the mother stayed home to look after the children. Gone are the days when drug usage was not rampant, divorce not prevalent, and saving for a rainy day not a myth.

Individuality is today's mark of the family unit. Diversity within the family is expressed through traits that cannot be changed — such as gender, race, and age — as well as those traits that are acquired and learned through environmental settings (Tatum, 1997). Although powerful, secondary trait composition defines and separates individuals and family units by education, religion, socioeconomic level, attitude, and personality. The diversity continuum is therefore an ongoing process throughout life. It is the process of diversity that shapes our identity — who we are, collectively and individually — and how we function in the world around us. The primary purpose of this paper is to take an identity voyage (Tatum, 1997) with one American family through what Cooley (1902) might have called "The Family Looking Glass Self."

Family Background and Social Class

The family under review is typical of an upper-middle-class intact Caucasian suburban unit comprising three children, two parents, a dog, a cat, and a hamster. Religious affiliation is Catholic, though practice is sporadic. All children attend a suburban school noted for its rigorous educational curricula and college preparation programming. Both mother and father are professional educators, and there is a strong parental interest in the children's education, both formally and informally. Vacations are important to all family members, as they represent not only relaxation but also an opportunity for new learning. All five family members recognize the need for both separateness and connectedness. Even though two siblings are fraternal twins, each has their own bedroom in the family's five-bedroom, three-bath home. Children are encouraged, as much as possible, to differentiate themselves within the family unit rather than independent of it. The nurturing model set forth by the parents reflects controlled flexibility, developmental responsibility, shared trustworthiness, emphasis on individual uniqueness, and freedom for personality development. The Zeitgeist, or spirit, of this family exists in the unit's expressed need for individual autonomy, moral regulation, learning diversity, and educational freedom.

Broadly defined, social class is a representation of an individual's or group's social and economic standing within their environment. Components of class strata include, but are not limited to, wealth, profession, ethnicity, shared interests, language, experiences, and shared cultural activities. For the family on which this report is based, social status is defined by profession, financial affluence, educational freedom, and family systems. Support for this social classification is predicated upon family income ($150,000+), living accommodations (valued at $300,000), profession (education at the doctoral level for both parents), a parental family history of affluence, extensive travel, academically achieved children, bilingualism, resourcefulness, and articulateness — a picture of the ideal family and work life (Moen, 2000).

Yet, as a river flows, it does so with swiftness, force, and unexpected darkness. For this family, their nemesis is yet to be fully told. A chapter remains unwritten, a hardship unresolved, and a goal yet attained. This family, who must now emerge from a corridor of darkness, no longer has the affluence once enjoyed. They are now confronted with stress-related contingencies, role and coping adaptations, a shift in values, and — as stated by Ohlson (1998) — an appeal to others to "Judge me only by that which I am capable of giving, rather than by that which is not in my power" (p. 22). The remainder of this report focuses on the disruption caused by the father's incarceration in a federal prison for four and a half years, examining what existed before and what must now be endured by the family.

Family Communication

Prior to the father's federal incarceration on felony charges of banking misconduct (racketeering), the family was not one in which harsh decisions were needed financially, educationally, or developmentally. There were few areas in which an open voice was not encouraged and expected. Laughter and tears received equal attention from all family members and were openly expressed. Affective and emotional messages were in a perpetual state of flow. Within the family unit there existed an almost complete awareness of emotions, and throughout the early stages of development the three children incrementally developed a strong, healthy emotional base. Even in conflict situations — such as those involving dating, curfew, peer associations, and dress codes — there continued to exist a multidimensional approach to resolution.

With respect to direct and indirect communication among family members, there was little evidence of closed communication patterns or subliminal messaging. All three children were encouraged to respect each other's freedom of expression regardless of topic. Even anger outbursts were treated as a natural human emotion, and messages shared among family members were rarely perceived as incongruent in terms of body language or mixed signals. A great deal of "responding" to situations occurred rather than "reacting" to them. One example is found in the situation when the oldest son was permitted to purchase his first vehicle, only to total the automobile a week after the purchase. Fortunately, no one was injured, but both mother and father nonetheless displayed a degree of anger. The resolution was in keeping with the family's affective parental problem-solving approach, and the incident was put into perspective as a "lesson learned." Other examples of the family's open communication include their acceptance of cultural and ethnic diversity, sexual preference ideologies, and religious differences. No member of the family would tolerate any type of ethnic joke in the home, regardless of how seemingly harmless the content.

One particular family dynamic rarely discussed by psychologists, sociologists, or family counselors is the role of mealtime activities and ambiance in shaping family communication, connectedness, and relationship development. Evening mealtime in this household was always a candlelight dinner with background music, no television, and free-flowing conversation. Even on pizza nights, the table was properly set, candles were lit, and music was softly playing. The children were so accustomed to the relaxed ambiance that their friends would ask to come for dinner simply to be part of a quiet, reflective evening. After dinner, one hour was reserved for everyone to read anything not required for school or work — including comic books, sports magazines, and even slightly trashy novels.

The once-established communication system was shattered when the father became incarcerated. Compounding this disruption were additional crises: the complete loss of the family home to fire, constant reminders from strangers of the father's whereabouts, the mother's loss of employment, and the oldest son's withdrawal from university due to lack of tuition. Paradoxically, however, these disasters drew the remaining family members extremely close together in an almost codependent configuration — one that largely dissolved the relationship patterns that had previously existed among all five family members. With the removal of the father, new communication patterns were developed, new single-parent family goals were established, and the past was, in many ways, permanently set aside.