Conflict Management in Family and Relationship Settings

Introduction

Resolving conflicts between two people is usually straightforward. However, in many situations, resolution can become far more difficult. This is especially true in workplace disputes, conflicts that arise with strangers, and similar contexts. When family or friendship is involved and a conflict is present, resolution and solutions can be fleeting and hard to come by. Not only are there personal feelings and a long shared history at play, but there can also be a tendency to focus on things that are not really the core problem — manifestations or symptoms of the problem rather than the problem itself. While particular details matter a great deal, there needs to be a careful weeding out of what the real issue is, and everyone involved must be committed to focusing on that actual problem and its solution.

Identifying the Real Problem

Many people falter when it comes to conflict resolution, yet resolution is almost always possible given the right cooperation and willingness to work together — and this holds true even in situations revolving around families and close friends. As noted in the introduction, there is often a recurring "same old issue" even when the situations and details surrounding bickering and fighting differ. For example, dishes not being washed and put away after dinner is a problem, but the cause of that problem could be a number of things: an unclear division of household duties, the responsible party being a bit disorganized, or the responsible party being overwhelmed by life's demands. Given these disparate causes for a single manifestation of an issue, it serves everyone to take care and make sure they understand what is really going on before swinging into action and perhaps making matters worse (Marchand and Hock; Beebe).

Beyond this, there could be a confluence of things going on. To say there is only one issue might be accurate, but there may also be more than one factor at play. For example, the dishes scenario could result from a combination of depression and being overwhelmed by a job or childcare duties. It could be that the person simply has too much to do and not enough time to do it, or that a partner is not pulling their fair share of the load. It could also be that there simply needs to be better structure and organization in the household. Regardless, there needs to be an identification of what is going wrong, what should be happening instead, and what can be done to bridge that gap. If there are multiple issues, it may be necessary to address them one at a time rather than trying to tackle them all at once. Beyond that, a neutral third party such as a counselor or psychologist may be needed to get the process moving. Sometimes it takes a person removed from the dysfunction to help those involved recognize that they may be part of the problem or, at the very least, are not part of the solution (Fincham, Beach, and Davila; Beebe).

The Role of Trust in Relationships

Irrespective of the actual issue in play, another important factor in any relationship is trust. If there is a lack of trust and faith between two people, problems can flare up much more quickly than they otherwise would. Returning to the dishes example, if a third party reacts viscerally without thinking things through first, that could be a sign of diminished trust. It could also indicate that the reactive party is being too impulsive and is not taking care to assess the situation before responding. Of course, dishes not being done is a cleanliness issue — but it must be recognized that there are entirely innocent reasons why this might happen. Even if it occurs repeatedly over a short period, that alone does not mean the responsible party is shirking their duties by choice (Fincham, Beach, and Davila; Beebe).

Trust is not something that can or should appear overnight. Even after it is established, it can erode as more events and transgressions accumulate. While a single bad incident can be forgiven if it proves to be an aberration, a pattern of behavior over time leads to progressively less trust, making it harder to move past new problems when they arise. Even the mere appearance of impropriety can cause issues when trust is already fragile, as there may be a presumption that the person was simply caught before engaging in further misconduct. Just as trust must be built at the outset of a relationship, it must be actively restored after actions that are clearly wrong. However, this can only work if the aggrieved party is willing to give the other person another chance given the totality of what has happened, and if the offending party is genuinely willing to change course. If either of those conditions is missing, then any realistic chance at peace and restoration of trust is unlikely (Milholland and Avery; Beebe).

Conclusion

If someone is saying one thing and doing another, or one person is flatly refusing to be honest and cooperative when it comes to resolving problems, continuing to make an effort to fix what is broken is probably not worth the aggravation. Perhaps demonstrating — through clear action — that one is serious about finding a solution, or will otherwise walk away, will make the point. Regardless, everyone deserves a fair opportunity to engage, and they must live with the consequences of refusing it. Family relationships and marriages, to name just two of the most significant bonds, should not be entered into or dissolved casually. Entering or exiting those relationships is something that should never be done with haste or indifference to consequences. Even so, remaining in a toxic or unsafe relationship solely because of familial, romantic, or marital ties is rarely the wiser path.

Works Cited

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