Christian Family Building a Strong

Christian Family

Building a Strong Relationship

Affirmation

No relationship is ever perfect, and there are always issues that marriage partners have with each other and with the relationship and family as a whole. Expecting everything to be perfect, and for all foibles and idiosyncrasies to be ignored and even enjoyed is simply setting the relationship up for failure -- when things aren't going as planned or desired, it is only natural for individuals to desire change, and this will not necessarily harm a relationship. In fact, it can even make it stronger if such issues are handled in the correct manner. Finding this proper manner is essential to forming a long-lasting, healthy, and solid relationship. One of the keys to dealing with such issues, and to simply building a better and stronger relationship on an everyday basis, is through the use of affirmations.

Basically, affirmations -- which can be both written and spoken -- are ways of confirming and emphasizing positive truths about a person or situation, and they constitute one of the most basic ways of demonstrating love (Chapman). This type of language is especially important in a romantic and loving relationship in order to give both partners a continued sense of value and of being loved. Something as simple as saying "thank you" can let the recipient of this appreciation know that they and their actions are a held in high regard by the person speaking (Chapman). Though the absence of these words might go unnoticed for a long time, the degradation of the sense of value and appreciation will certainly be felt, and remembering to affirm things -- even and perhaps especially when they seem like self-evident truths -- will eliminate this degradation and instead increase good feelings.

It is commonly acknowledged that no person or relationship is ever perfect, but there is a clear difference between couples that are able to effectively handle issues when they arise and those that crumble or allow a bad situation to continually worsen. A lot of this has to do with the attitude in which such issues are approached; I have not always made the simple choice to be happy -- that is, choose the right attitude -- in order to address problems or rough patches in a relationship, and instead have made things even bumpier by approaching problems with a negative attitude (Parrott & Parrott 54). The way that problems are approached and addressed is far more determinative of a relationship's success or failure than the nature or frequency of the problems themselves (though these are also highly influential factors, of course), and an increased use of affirmations has helped me to realize this.

This is because affirmations are a way to overcome and combat criticism, which is never an effective way to bring positive change into a relationship -- as I have learned. Criticism is an inherently negative approach to any situation, whereas affirmations are equally inherently positive. By using affirmations instead of criticism to address both problems and positive aspects in a relationship, the value of a person and their actions in the relationship are consistently acknowledged rather than torn down. Criticism can often feel like an attack, even when it isn't meant as one, but a true and honest affirmation will always outweigh the negativity of a criticism with the positive benefits of explicit value and love that it contains. Because of this, emphasizing the positive aspects of a partner's contribution to the relationship will be far more effective at changing or adjusting any unwanted aspects of the relationship.

Affirmations should also be used simply to bolster the relationship on an ongoing basis, of course. Everyone needs to feel wanted and appreciated in all of their relationships, and a marriage is one of the most significant relationships in most people's lives. Affirmations provide this sense of being wanted and of being appreciated regardless of the situation or context in which the affirmation is delivered. Chapman reminds his readers that "you can't treat encouragement like a fire extinguisher, pulling it out only when you really need it and then putting it away again" (62). Instead, affirmation should be a basic way of communicating between married partners, to continue the feelings of love and belonging that strengthen the relationship on a daily basis.

Communication Skills

Affirmations are one form of communication that I and others have had particular problems with, but it is not the only means of communicating -- either positively or negatively -- in a relationship. General communication skills are also very important in a relationship, and often the miscommunications that naturally occur between two people are allowed to become giant problems rather than being addressed directly and in an open and loving manner. I often have a problem of simply ending communication when I am angry or upset with my partner; I simply shut down and refuse to discuss my feelings or the situation that led to them, and so instead of being addressed and resolved the problem is allowed to fester, and my silent anger and upset feeds on itself rather than being dissipated by direct communication.

My partner has the opposite problem, perhaps, in that she wants to communicate immediately and fully about everything, her insistence that I communicate on her terms often feeds my anger even more, firming my resolve to remain silent and ultimately upsetting her, which of course only makes the situation worse. Chapman's book clearly shows, however, that even in the most extreme of situations -- indeed, especially in the most extreme of situations, communication is essential to finding the proper course of action and a resolution to conflict, and can lead to some very surprising realizations about oneself and about a relationship that may have been lurking under the surface for a long time, but gone unnoticed (332-3). One of the relationship examples that Chapman uses in this book, the separation of Rex and Elaine, makes this fairly clear, but there's no substitute for personal experience.

My partner and I went out recently to a destination that made public transportation far cheaper and easier than driving our own vehicle would have been. Neither one of us had grabbed enough small change for the bus, though I remembered asking her to do it, and we ended up having to walk back to our house form the bus stop, which caused us a major loss of time. There was no real hurry, and we of course still enjoy each other's company, but I was upset nonetheless. Normally in such a situation I would have remained sullen and silent, and after being peppered with "what's wrong?" I would have eventually exploded. Instead I said, the next time we do this, we should make sure we have the right money." She agreed, and apologized for not checking; I apologized, too, and we were both happy during our entire half-hour wait for the next bus.

In this instance, some basic communication that made it clear we functioned as team or partnership and not as two individuals working in opposition, saved an evening out from becoming a tense and ultimately upsetting experience. I found that once I was able to bring myself to communicate with my partner, my anger simply dissipated; though I initially felt it was her fault that we didn't have the bus money -- I had, after all, reminded her to get it -- when I made an inclusive statement I fully realized and acknowledged my own role in the mistake. In this way, communicating helped me not only to share my feelings with my partner, but also to become more aware of my own feelings, and to develop a better understanding of my relationship as a whole. this is one of the key elements of effective communication in a committed relationship (Parrott & Parrott).

Even something as seemingly basic as the definition of love can have huge implications for communication within a relationship. Saying "I love you" almost always means different things to different people, even when those people are in a relationship with each other, and coming to a true understanding of what you (and your partner) means when these three little words are spoken can help open broader and even more effective channels of communication (Parrot & Parrot 32-5). Though the clinical investigation of the subject may seem a little off the mark, the fact is that love requires knowledge and understanding of its dynamics in order to make it work, and this type of understanding requires communication.

Conflict Management

As illustrated in the above personal example, effective communication is one key way to successful conflict management in a relationship. In fact it seems as though a large part of effective conflict management stems form effective communication techniques, such as answering things in complete sentences and remaining honest and uncritical, both of which are hugely important in normal communication in a relationship as well as in conflict situations (Chapman; Parrott & Parrott 87). Essentially, during conflicts it is more important than ever to remember all of the basic ways that a relationship can be made happy and secure in standard (i.e. non-conflict) situations. Applying the same techniques of maintaining a loving relationship and still communicating your own issues, while remaining calm and open to hearing the other person's complaints and issues, is a simplified way of viewing the majority of conflict management techniques.

Prioritization during conflicts, even those that ultimately lead to the dissolution of a relationship, is also essential to successfully managing the conflict (Chapman 340). Though conflicts ending in dissolution may make prioritization even more important (especially when there are kids involved), the same basic principles can be applied to any conflict. Instead of getting hung up on minor details or secondary problems, having the bravery, honesty, and insight to tackle the real underlying problems in the relationship is far more likely to lead to a satisfactory and frequently even a relationship-strengthening ending than petty bickering. Though this might seem quite obvious on the printed page, it can often be difficult to put into practice in a real-world relationship, especially when tempers are flaring -- as they almost always are during a conflict between two people in a relationship.

One of the reasons that I personally have such a hard time effectively managing conflicts that enter into my relationship with my partner is that it is difficult for me to face some of the real problems that exist, and I spend most of my time focusing on the petty incidentals. The above story regarding our recent trip out and the problem of bus fare is a perfect example of this. I have certain rather unfair expectations from my partner that I bring into the relationship, and when I am made aware of this -- usually through my own personal reflection -- I become ashamed, and this manifests itself as anger and sullenness. Conflict management has to begin with honesty, and honesty has to begin with the self. That is, I am only able to effectively manage conflicts when I am honest with myself about what I am feeling and where these feelings once identified are coming from.

Again, the story of the bus clearly illustrates this truth at work in my own personal life. In this instance, the communication led to an automatic realization about the real underlying issue of my anger, and when I was able to be honest with myself and with my partner about the situation it came to a much faster and happier conclusion. It was not really her failure to put the correct change in her pocket that made me angry, but rather my expectation that she would take care of this, and my avoidance of my own responsibility in the issue. That is, I was angry at myself for not having taken care of this, and rather than being angry at myself I decided to be angry at her. This shows some of the root problems of our relationship, especially my tendency to be rather hard on myself and to bring somewhat unreasonable and unfair expectations to my perspective of my partner.

This issue of expectations is found at the root of many conflicts. It is not necessarily that unreasonable or unfair expectations are so common (though they certainly appear to be), but also that many expectations are, like the definition of love, expected to be implicitly understood, when in fact the two people in a relationship could have very different ideas of what is expected in certain situations (Parrott & Parrott 18). Not only does this type of misunderstanding and failed communication often lead to conflict, but a simple discussion in which these expectations are made explicit and in which compromises -- or at the very least understandings -- are reached can resolve many conflicts. Few people in a relationship are trying to make things fail, so conflict almost invariably arise not out of outright failures, but out of simple miscommunication, and this is easily addressed.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

No matter how effectively a conflict is resolved, there is bound to be some degree of residual feeling left after the anger and upset has passed. These feelings, too, are natural, and it is important to acknowledge them to oneself rather than simply trying to avoid or deny them, as this will only lead to a continuation of the same feelings, making it easier for them to resurface later. In order to fully forgive each other and reconcile the two halves of a relationship, the partners in it must make a huge effort to communicate honestly and openly, and to let issues go once they have been discussed. This does not mean that the same issues might not arise again, of course, but each time a better understanding should lessen the conflict.