Conflict Resolution to Fix Avoidance

Avoidant System

The avoidant system best describes my family’s approach. This system is characterized by a tendency for the members of the family to avoid having any direct confrontation with one another. By avoiding each other they believe they can reduce disagreements, and it is their way of trying to deny there existing any conflict whatsoever, as Wilmot and Hocker (2007) in Chapter 2 point out. This approach is a big part of our family situation.

For example, I have seen how my siblings and I have avoided serious topics like taking care of our parents because we all have different views on what to do and none of us think much of what the other has to say. In the past when it has come up, it has quickly led to discomfort and some harsh words. So, now everyone simply skates around it and changes the subject or does not even bring it up.

It is this way with other touchy issues as well. Anytime there is anything disagreeable, there is going to be avoidance in our family. Some of us will even outright avoid other people altogether because of how their presence, their voice, their tone, their expressions act as triggers and cause frustration. So, there is not a lot of time spent together.

The reason for our family fits into this system is pretty clear to me: we do not want to deal with conflict and do not have the tools to overcome it or resolve it. Resolving conflict requires a degree of maturity and acceptance, and for whatever reason that is just not found in our family. We would rather have a false kind of harmony—or a pseudo-harmony—a carefully crafted minute or two of peace when we are together rather than a blow-out fight, even if it could lead to a better relationship overall. Perhaps if we were better schooled in managing and resolving conflict, we would be able to move out of the avoidant system, which I think would really be good for the family’s health.