Grieving Loss of Child Bernstein

¶ … Breaks addresses the unfathomable grief of losing a child. Author Judith Bernstein approaches the topic from numerous perspectives and points-of-view, addressing existential issues with as much care as psychological ones. Throughout the book, Bernstein offers case studies and anecdotes to substantiate the information presented. When the Bough Breaks is divided into several sections, the first part being devoted to grief and grieving.

Grieving is presented as a process beginning with the acute stages of mourning to the lengthy adaptive processes during which the grieving come to accept their new realities while never being able to fully move on from the loss of a child. Finally, this section addresses a complicated topic, that of "complicated mourning," in which the grieving have too much difficulty coping, lack effective support systems, or lack coping mechanisms.

Mental illness, substance abuse, and pre-existing mental health issues can all complicate the grieving process but Bernstein addresses these issues in a straightforward and non-judgmental manner. After all, there is no "right" way of mourning. Bernstein also shows how guilt, self-blame, perceived control, and other complicated psychological processes can shape the grieving process. External circumstances ranging from previous experiences with death to simultaneous stressors like a divorce or job loss.

The author also admits that there can be mitigating factors affecting the coping process, including the manner in which the person died. The second section of When the Bough Breaks is about "the rest of our lives," referring to the ongoing sense of loss and how it impacts attitudes towards death and mortality in general, attitudes toward life in general, and values and priorities in life. The ongoing process can impact the quality of a marriage, arguably one of the most challenging impacts of suffering the death of a child.

As many of the case studies illustrate, the death of a child can tear apart a marriage. What Bernstein tries to offer in this section is a roadmap for couples determined to stay together and help each other during the process of mourning.

Using empirical research as well as qualitative evidence, Bernstein presents information showing that men and women may grieve differently, and that many people have "unrealistic expectations" about the length of time it takes, the type of mutual support offers, or the methods of grieving exhibited by the partner. Likewise, the views of friends and family members outside of the marriage can impact the person's self-perception and either have a supportive or a deleterious effect on healing.

Social support is crucial for the grieving in all situations, but Bernstein shows that social networks are particularly necessary in situations when a parent loses a child. The quality of social support is critical. It becomes important for the grieving to recognize friends that offer genuine support versus those that exacerbate feelings of guilt. It may also be helpful to some readers to pay attention to the chapter on religion and spirituality, for religion offers a social network as well as tools that can be helpful in alleviating the cognitive.