Marital intimacy skills and relationship development

Marital Intimacy Skills -- Can They be Trained?

Marital intimacy is highly correlated to satisfaction in a marriage, and it is also seen as one of the factors that lead to a long-term marriage. The data and the Bible both suggest that a person can be trained to experience and give marital intimacy, and there are techniques that have been proven by research. Therapists have worked with cognitive therapies that change an individual's perceptions of their marriage, and other treatments that involve both members of the couple have been successful also, and they have also used focused therapy that has had good results. The Biblical view is that these elements can be taught also, and that it is in the best interest of the couple to seek this intimacy. Biblical scholars have detailed how marriage intimacy was ordained by God when He presided over the first marriage. Research into the efficacy of counseling when a person is injured in a way that reduces their ability to experience intimacy is also examined.

Marital Intimacy Skill -- Can They be Trained?

Marriage, as a concept, has become one of the most talked about subjects in the United States over the past few years. The idea that a man and a woman made up the couple within a marriage, but that notion is being challenged. Largely on the basis of the external benefits of marriage. Couples other than the traditional often live together for long periods of time, but they did not need the contractual agreement until just recently. This fact is coupled with the stories about the death of marriage (Coontz, 2007), or the fact that couples are saying that they do not feel the same need to get married that they once did and are cohabitating. One thing that has not changed about this relationship though is the fact that people believe that marriage should be joined by two people who are intimately connected (Polinska, 2011). As a matter of fact, people still believe that marriage, as an institution is one of the most honored in all of American society Coontz (2007) stated

"The percentage of people who believe it is acceptable to cheat, lie, or keep secrets in a marriage has fallen over the past 40 years. Many couples work hard to enrich their relationship and deepen their intimacy, with a dedication that would astonish most couples of the past."

This would actually surprise most people because the divorce rate is as high now as it has ever been (Polinska, 2011). However, though people may not get married as readily as they once did, they still believe that once married they should stay together (Coontz, 2007).

This leads to a discussion of marital intimacy and whether it can be taught to couples who have either lost it, or have at least experienced its ebb. The fact that people believe that married partners should be married is not a surprise, but that intimacy can be enhanced through a course or therapy may surprise people. This research paper looks at marriage from both a Biblical and a secular stance and tries to make an argument that not only can intimacy be taught, but that it has been since ancient times.

Historical perspective

The earliest known history of a man and a woman engaging in what people today would know as marriage was when God joined Adam and Eve together and Adam said "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). However, it is before this, in Genesis 2:18 that God speaks of the intimacy that a man needs. He said "it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." It is not the mention of the word "alone" that indicates the intimacy God wants for the man and the woman, but the word "helpmeet." In later verses, especially in the New testament it explains that a helpmeet is someone honored by her husband and loved (1 Peter 3:7; Eph. 5:25). However, the history of marriage changed over the millennia.

It could be said that God did arrange the first marriage, but since there were only two people around at the time, there was no other alternative. Arranged marriages were the norm for much of history. It is only recently that people, no matter what their class or caste, have been able to choose their own mate. The reason for this was that "Marriage was seen as a means of enlarging one's economic enterprise, acquiring powerful in-laws, strengthening military alliances, or (for the less privileged) enlarging the family's labor force" Polinska, 2011). Marriage was a way to add to the family, and it could not be left up to the two people who were to be wed because they may not choose the most advantageous match. In the case of the economically disadvantaged, there often were not many people to choose from (especially if it was a period in history when men were at war constantly or adventuring in new lands). But times changed, as they often do, because of shift in the prevalent thought process. "Romantic love became widely accepted only in the nineteenth century under the influence of enlightenment thought, ideals of the French and American Revolutions and of the romantic movement" (Polinska, 2011). This does not mean that people did not fall in love and marry prior to this time, but that people were primarily brought together instead of finding one another on their own.

The idea of intimacy was different to. Prior to the early part of the twentieth century, women were thought of as property (Coontz, 2007). She was first owned by her father, and he passed that ownership to the husband. Because of this arrangement, intimacy was not as much of a concern back then (Coontz, 2007).

Marital Intimacy

Marital intimacy was one of God's concerns though, as has already been shown through a reading of some scripture. However, He explained the concept even better in the writings of Paul. Not only did God wish an intimate connection on couples, He told them how to achieve the perfect intimacy with one another. Ephesians chapter five has the most detailed explanation of how men and women in a marital bond are to act towards one another. To wives He says "Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands, as unto the Lord" (Eph. 5:22). This may seem like a dire pronouncement for the wife, but in verse 25 of the same chapter He says to the man "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it." The wife is to submit herself to a man who loves her the way Christ loved and cherished the church enough to die a horrible death for it. That is an amazing statement and one difficult to live up to. At the end of the chapter God reminds them "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverences her husband" (Eph. 5: 33). So, the husband is to show love to his wife as the most intimacy inducing act he can produce, and the wife is to reverence, or have respect for, her husband as her gift of intimacy. God gave the instruction that was most needed to men and women according to their individual gifts, but people have had a hard time following the advice.

Intimacy can be said to include the sexual aspect of the marriage, but that is not the sole progenitor of intimate feelings. Stahman (2004) relates the different dimensions of intimacy, and lists them as: "social, emotional, cognitive/planning, financial, spiritual, intergenerational, affectional, and sexual" (Stahman, 2004). The social aspect is with regard to how the couple spends their time together. This does not mean that the couple does everything together or that they do not have some disparate interests, but that when they are together, they enjoy the time that they have together (Stahman, 2004). The emotional dimension has more to do with how the couple reacts to thought of the other when they are apart. It also has to do with the fact that the partners feel secure when they think about the other person. Most couples also have strong feelings that they will work to build a long-term relationship together (Polinska, 2011). Because of this, the couple will feel the need to come to decisions based on that goal and plan their future together. Many times couples who have experienced divorce say that money was a primary reason for the disunion (Coontz, 2007). The opposite of disunion is a unity of purpose with regard to the couple's thought about financial planning, and how they will earn the money that they make as a couple. There are also many couples that have survived the fact that they have been raised with religious and spiritual values that are different from one another (Coontz, 2007). However, Stahman (2004) has determined through his research that spiritual unity is important as an element in intimacy between a couple. Marriage also brings together two, or more, families that may have completely different ideas and customs (a frequent theme for television situational comedies) which have the ability to impair a couple's intimacy with one another. A couple also should feel affection for one another that is separate from their sexual feelings (Stahman, 2004). This is the dimension in which they care for one another on an emotional and physical plane that does not need to include sexual intimacy. But, there is that dimension also. Sexual intimacy is one of the primary building blocks of intimacy in marriage (Stahman, 2004).

When the word intimacy is used, many people in today's society automatically think of sexual intimacy (Coontz, 2007; Polinska, 2011; Stahman, 2004)., but that is only one dimension of intimacy as has been shown by the above list. "An intimate sexual relationship is one of the most important aspects of marriage. It keeps marriage vital. It is the glue that holds couples together. Without it, small problems become large ones, and large problems can result in destroying the marriage" (Stahman, 2004). Stahman is relating sexual intimacy to the problems that couples can experience because it is sometimes a sign that one partner or the other is not feeling intimacy toward the other. No pair of people is probably going to want to experience this level of intimacy every night, but it is a prominent part of the marital relationship, and it forges a greater feeling of immediate intimacy than almost anything else. "The sexual side of marriage is closely linked with the emotional and personal elements in the relationship…What the married couple have to achieve, therefore, is a sexual relationship that expresses, sustains, and renews their deepest and most tender feelings for one another" (Stahman, 2004). This is also spoken of in the Bible in I Corinthians 7. Paul is writing to the Corinthian Christians who have been perverting the faith in many ways. It is not that they are sinning willfully in most cases, but that they have not been instructed properly. Paul seeks to correct this oversight. In chapter seven he lays out how a man should treat his wife and how a wife should treat he husband. In verse four he says that "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife." Paul was conscious of the fact that many perversions happened in this culture (the Greeks of his time), and he wanted to tell the new Christians what God's view of marital intimacy was. The Bible often presents an argument that is counterintuitive because, as He tells Isaiah "For as the heavens are higher than the Earth, so are My ways than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts" (Is. 55:9). God realizes the failings of all of His people and so He sends people to instruct them. Paul tells the Corinthians that they cannot engage in perversions within the bounds of marriage because they are not their own person. When they were married, the two became one (as it says in Genesis 2:24), and the ownership rights to the body reverts to the other partner. This seems to be the ultimate in intimacy.

Unmet Intimacy Needs

It is a sad fact that sometimes couples cannot meet the need for intimacy that the other partner feels. Researchers express why intimacy needs are unmet in different ways, but many believe that the disconnect comes because of misunderstanding of the other person's needs (Coontz, 2007; Kirby, Baucom & Peterman, 2005; Polinska, 2011). Polinska (2011) says that "the invention of the historically unprecedented idea that marriage should be based on love and mutual affection is responsible for greater fragility, but also for creating good, satisfying marriages that bring much happiness to people's lives." He believes that love as a requirement for marriage is a recent invention that has not always been necessary, and he sees to outcomes from the love relationship. In relation to unmet needs, he believes that the insistence that love be a part of marriage weakens the contract. He suggests that fragility is the cause of so many needs being unmet (Polinska, 2011). Kirby, Baucom and Peterman (2005) said that "fulfillment of communal needs (e.g., intimacy) was highly correlated with relationship satisfaction" and that "intimacy is of particular importance because a sense of closeness has been given high priority in intimate relationships in our society." Again, this notion of love feelings being a requirement of marriage is a product of "our society." This would seem to indicate that he believes that it is not necessary for the contract to be valid. The researchers further say that "

Not having one's partner respond appropriately to a request for intimacy can be viewed as a negative event or response from the partner. According to the CBT model, individuals will have internal reactions (i.e., thoughts and emotions) to this negative event, which may lead to external responses (i.e., behaviors)" (Kirby, Baucom & Peterman, 2005).

He does not say that this a request for sexual intimacy, it could be that one spouse seems preoccupied when the other is displaying that they need intimacy. However, these unmet needs are seen as the precursor to possible behaviors which can be anything from withholding sexual relations to showing the other party that the wounded individual was not wounded by the unintended callousness (Kirby, Baucom & Peterman, 2005).

When needs are unmet, it may not lead to a couple getting a divorce, but it may definitely lead to a period where the marriage is not as fulfilling as it could be (Stahman, 2004). The problem is that the spouse who feel spurned will go through a cycle of blame that leads to lessening feelings of intimacy. According to Kirby, Baucom and Peterman (2005),

"there are three important attributional dimensions that will influence how an event is experienced: (a) Locus-who is viewed as the cause of the event; (b) stability-whether the cause is likely to change over time; and (c) globality-whether the cause will likely influence many aspects of the relationship."

The first step is that there was a cause that was directly related to the other person. This begins the disconnection between the two because there is now something that is diffusing the intimacy that they had previously felt. As Stahman (2004) points out "An intimate relationship is one of caring, mutual trust and acceptance." In this first dimension, one spouse does may not feel the trust or acceptance that they need to have. The time dimension, whether this is a long-term problem, is one that can have serious consequences if it is deemed to be so. Finally, the wounded spouse may see that his or her partner is just as uncaring and unsympathetic in other areas of the marriage and this can add to the problem.

Unmet intimacy needs can also be a function of something that has happened to one partner or another that has caused a physical or emotional impairment. A study was conducted with soldiers who had experienced post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of combat and it was found that "One of the most common manifestations of PTSD is impaired marital adjustment and chronic marital distress" (Ahmady, Karami, Noohi, Mokhtari, Gholampour, & Rahimi, 2009). Because of the physical or emotional would, the soldier is unable to show the intimacy that was once a feature of the marriage. This can happen, for other reasons, in other marriages also. Disease, distress and incapacitation are all reasons for a depression of marital intimacy feelings (Ahmady, et al., 2009).

Teaching Intimacy

The basic question that needs to be answered with this research paper is "Can marital intimacy be taught?" The concern is that a person who either cannot experience intimate feelings for a spouse of has lost those feelings cannot regain or find the intimacy that the previously recorded research and the Bible says that they need. The research does show that teaching or coaching marital intimacy has been tried using many different methods, but the results vary.

In a study in which marital intimacy was seen as hindered by a returning soldier's PTSD, Ahmady, et al., (2009) found "that abut out 43% of PTSD veterans are absolutely dissatisfied with their marital relationship and 55% have borderline satisfaction." In the study, this finding was from a group of soldiers on active duty and those who had experienced PTSD and were, at the time, not in the service. There were 100 soldiers in the study, and the research group was trying to see if using Cognitive Behavioral Couple's Therapy (CBCT) would increase feelings of intimacy and the ability to be intimately engaged. The researchers found that the "study illustrates the efficacy of CBCT on different components of marital satisfaction." In order to determine these results, the soldiers and their spouses were given 16 to 18 sessions of CBCT in a pattern of five levels that took the couples from orientation to "problem solving abilities" (Ahmady, et al., 2009). It can be seen from the results of the study that after completion of the CBCT sessions, the results were conclusive that the couples were experiencing increased intimacy "for personality issues, mutual communication, conflict resolution, financial issues, leisure activities, and also sexual relationship" (Ahmady, et al., 2009). This would indicate that marital intimacy can be taught, at least to this one group.