Foundations of marital success and relationship commitment

¶ … Marital Success

The high divorce rates in First World nations have encouraged researchers, family counselors, and religious advocates to investigate the core foundations for the creation of a successful marriage. Starting in the 1960s, evolving social context ultimately shifted the rationale in why individuals choose to marry, and over time, divorce has come to be viewed as the preferred alternative to an unhappy marriage. One main fundamental principle to achieve marital success is to recognize women desire love, while men simultaneously need respect to feel fulfilled within the relationship. Emotional intelligence within a relationship and acknowledging various marital myths also contribute to the fundamental elements of marital success. Dissociating from marital myths and misconceptions is an essential part to understanding the true foundations for a happy and successful marriage. Appreciating and understanding how attachment styles affect marital relationships is also essential. These beliefs and attachment styles contribute to the marital bond and what each person expects from the marriage. Creating a foundation for marital success is a multifaceted and multidimensional process that requires both husband and wife to explore love, respect, effective communication, attachment styles, and willingness to address central causes of conflict.

Foundations for Marital Success

The high divorce rates in First World nations have compelled family researchers, counseling professionals, and religious advocates to question the foundations for true marital success. In the United States alone, the divorce rate fluctuates between 50% and 67% of all married couples (Gottman, 1993). This statistic speaks to the prevalence of divorce and the basic needs for married couples to understand and employ the tools needed for a successful marriage. Modern marriage has redefined why individuals choose to marry and choose to divorce. Fears of entering a marriage to only exit in divorce has troubled brides and grooms to the point where superstitious practices have become common practice prior to one's wedding day. Superstition and folklore aside, one of the key elements for marital success is accepting "Love isn't all you need." Although men and women both feel love, the expectations for love are different between the sexes within the context of marriage. The female priority is to feel loved, while the male priority is to feel respected (Eggerichs, 2004).

An additional construct describing a successful marriage has been coined as an "emotionally intelligent marriage." Put simply, an emotionally intelligent marriage is a dynamic in which negative thoughts about one's spouse are kept from overwhelming positive feelings (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Being able to disassociate from myths and misconceptions about marriage and identify with core conflict issues also contribute to marital success. For example, personality problems and screaming matches do not ruin a marriage (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Couples must also be able to engage in active listening to access positive means to solve problems. Once married, the husband and wife each bring their respective attachment styles and beliefs in to the relationship. These beliefs and attachment styles contribute to the marital bond and what each person expects from the marital relationship. Marriage represents a personal and complex connection with another individual that requires love, respect, emotional intelligence, and understanding of attachment as the foundations of marital success.

In the latter half of the 20th century, social roles between men and women started to evolve, and consequently marriage is held in a difference regard than it was a half century ago. Women entered the workforce, which afforded them means for financial independence. The financial independence of both men and women ultimately altered one major perceived benefit of marriage: security. Since the 1960s, adults are waiting longer to marry, are more likely to have children out of wedlock, less likely to disapprove of premarital or nonmarital sex, and are more likely to divorce (Taylor et al., 2007, p. 25). Despite this evidence, 9 out of 10 adults in the U.S. will eventually marry (Taylor et al., 2007, p. 25). The majority of adults will still marry, yet over half of these unions will end in divorce. Over recent decades, the younger marriage population is less likely to view marriage in an unbreakable, religious context, and instead considers marriage to be an expression of love and happiness (Taylor et al., 2007, p. 25-27). This change in standard has subsequently made divorce a preference over an unhappy marriage. Studies indicate that Americans believe mom-and-dad homes are the best environment in which to raise children, however, if married parents are very unhappy with one another, divorce is the best option, both for them and their children (Taylor et al., 2007). Divorce is again viewed as the preferred alternative.

Fears of having a failed and unhappy marriage have inspired a host of superstitions. Every culture has superstitions regarding marriage and the actual wedding day itself (Napolitano, 2010). Superstitions and folklore have developed over the centuries to bring the bride and groom good luck for marital success, and to also acknowledge "bad luck" as rationale for failed marriages. Superstitions have been so extensively practiced they have become ingrained as regular components of wedding traditions (Napolitano, 2010). For example, reasons why a bride wears white and a veil, why the groom carries the bride over the threshold, the bride's need to have something old, new, and borrowed, and why the bride and groom getaway vehicle is decorated with noisy items are all wedding practices taken from superstition (Napolitano, 2010). Other wedding superstitions include: it is good luck for a bride to dream of her wedding day; feed a cat out of an old shoe and the wedding day will be a happy one; it is unlucky for two people to marry who were born in the same month; pearls are symbols for tears, and for each pearl the bride wears, her husband will give her cause for crying (Napolitano, 2010). The hope and desire to have a successful marriage has been embedded into superstition. Men and women embarking on a marital journey practice wedding and marriage superstitions to sustain one of the oldest perceived foundations of marital success.

Although social context has changed in the last fifty years, the tenets of marriage have not. The nature of marriage is still favored as a lifetime commitment, rooted in religious sanctity that constitutes safety, trust, and companionship. Honoring the fundamental ideals of marriage requires two fundamental human practices: love and respect. Researchers and observers of marital success insist that "Love isn't all you need" (Eggerichs, 2004). If a successful marriage was solely a matter of love, the divorce rate would plummet; five out of ten marriages today are ending in divorce because love alone is not enough (Eggerichs, 2004). The problem with linking emotional expression, i.e. love, and marital success is men and women have different emotional needs within the relationship. Love is still vital, especially for the wife, but what is typically overlooked within a marriage is the husband's need for respect (Eggerichs, 2004). The wife has specific needs to feel loved, and the husband has specific needs to feel respected.

One of the critical foundations for marital success is the awareness of the wife's need for love and the husband's need for respect. Wives long to feel validated with love from their husbands, yet husbands are unable to provide this show of affection if they do not feel respected. A husband does not hold warm feelings of affection and love when he believes his wife has contempt for him as a human being (Eggerichs, 2004). The direct relationship between respect and love is centered in irony; the strongest need for a wife is to feel loved, and is ultimately undermined by disrespect. Love is widely understood as a key to marital success; it is the respect component that is often overlooked as a major component to a successful, fulfilling marriage. Love is only half the equation: wives are made to love, want to love, and expect love; husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect (Eggerichs, 2004). Recognizing the vitality of respect for the husband is the missing element is many unhappy marriages.

Eggerichs describes the irony as the Crazy Cycle, "without love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love" (2004). The cycle continues as both husband and wife fail to recognize their spouse's needs and how to reciprocate those needs. While referring to personal experience as a marriage counselor, Eggerichs explains how wives often ask, "Does my husband love me as much as I love him?" If a husband does not act as loving or affectionate as the wife expects, the wife tends to doubt her husband's love. Wives want their husbands to become more sensitive and caring men, and in order to do this, wives often criticize their husbands to encourage them to be more loving (Eggerichs, 2004). This criticizing fuels the husbands belief he is being disrespected. Eggerichs continues by exploring the husband's perspective, and explains husbands rarely ask, "Does my wife love me as much as I love her?" A husband knows his wife loves him, but often expressed how his wife does not like him (Eggerichs, 2004). When the husband is criticized and he feels disrespected, it causes him to react in unloving and unaffectionate ways. As conflict arises within a marriage, the wife must acknowledge her husband is feeling disrespected, and husbands must understand the wife is feeling unloved. Honoring respective needs for love and respect is one of the most basic fundamentals for marital success.

Emotional intelligence within a marriage is another essential facet needed for marital success. In recent years, emotional intelligence has gained recognition for its predictive nature of a child's success later in life. Emotional intelligence refers to the degree in which one is in-touch with their emotions, has empathetic responses, and is emotionally aware. The more a child is able to understand emotions, the better a child is able to get along with others and induces a positive future outlook despite academic IQ (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). The same concept of emotional intelligence is true for marital relationships. Marriage researchers and commentators express happily married couples are not smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Instead, happily and successfully married couples have an ability to keep negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming positive feelings (Gottman, & Silver, 1999).

The more emotional intelligence within a marital relationship, the better able the husband and wife are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Being able to empathize with one's spouse, and share mutual respect and understanding, is conducive to having a successful, and happy marriage. Fortunately, emotional intelligence can be taught (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Couples can learn to value one another's perspective and be conscious of how their spouse reacts to situations based on their spouse's point-of-view (versus how one thinks their spouse should react). Building a foundation for marital success requires the husband and wife to have an emotional understanding of one another and emotional gratitude within their marriage. Emotional intelligence and emotional awareness allow for married couples to cherish the benefit of their relationship instead of focusing on the negative aspects of their marriage.

Many couples have ideas about what constitutes a successful marriage; unfortunately, this has done nothing to lower divorce rates. Couples often have misconceptions about relationships and this has helped shape various myths concerning marriage. If a married couple is experiencing marital problems, chances are they have encountered friends, family, counselors, etc. offering relationship advice. Many people believe in singular theories that offer the key to having a lasting, happy, successful marriage (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). These theories represent a majority of the myths and misconceptions about marriage, and married couples must be aware of these myths in order to lay a foundation for marital success. One significant myth about marital success is that communication is the leading path to an enduring, happy, romantic marriage (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). In reality, communication and the ability to resolve conflicts will not magically save a marriage from extinction. Couples are told to "learn to communicate better" in order to rescue themselves from conflict. The message to communicate better seems simple enough, and it is easy to understand this myth is widely regarded are true.

Whenever a couple fights, whether it is a screaming-match, a silent treatment, or a short argument, the lines of communication have failed. In these scenarios, the husband and wife become focused on how hurt they feel, proving they are right and their spouse is wrong, and successful communication is compromised and becomes static or nonexistent. It is then natural to think calmly listening to each other's perspective would be a solution, and couples believe "we need to communicate better in order to fix our conflict," (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). The myth is that communication is the solution. In actuality, communication is only part of the solution; couples must engage in active listening to accurately and safely translate their feelings to one another. The best way to actively listen is for one person to use "I" statements, rather than accusatory statements, to talk about what they are feeling. The other person then paraphrases what their spouse just said to make sure their spouse's feelings are understood, before offering their own perspective -- this shows the individual was actively listening to their spouse (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Active listening engages couples with empathy and respect. This form of empathy and respect allows for the husband and wife to know their feelings are legitimate, minimizes judgment, and lets both individuals communicate in a non-defensive way (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Active listening forces couples to evaluate their differences from each other's perspective and gives an opportunity for problem solving to occur in the absence of anger. Every husband and every wife wants to feel validated and understood which builds on the foundation for marital success.

Myths and misconceptions about marriage are abundant, and communication as the sole tool to save a marriage is only one of them. Active listening may make fighting less frequent and problem solving more effective, but it is not enough to create a successful marriage. One myth is that happily married couples do not fight, or do not fight often. Just like any relationship, happily married couples can have intense yelling matching, but loud arguments do not necessarily harm a marriage (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Myths about marriage are not only false, but can be destructive to a marriage, because they have the power to lead married couples down a wrong path, or convince couples their marriage is a hopeless case (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). An example of such a myth is that neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages. This myth assumes individuals with anxiety, depression, and problems with stress management are not suited for marriage, or will eventually be the cause for a failed marriage. This is not true because every individual has "crazy buttons" and issues that cause one to behave less than rational (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). These issues and emotional triggers do not necessarily interfere with marriage. "Normal" personalities do not constitute the foundation for a successful marriage. A successful marriage is instead better positioned when two personalities work well together and compliment each other, regardless of how "normal" one considers their personality (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Another myth: common interests will keep a marriage together. Some married couples share common interests that strengthen how they interact with one another, while other common interests create room for criticism and judgment (Gottman, & Silver, 1999).

An additional misconception is that avoiding conflict will ruin a marriage. Sometimes conflicts and tensions arise and they do not require an extensive argument or exploration of detailed feelings. Some individuals need space and time alone to clear their heads, and this will not necessarily result in unspoken resentment. It can be healthy to avoid conflict as long as both the husband and wife are compatible with this approach (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Every couple has different styles of conflict, whether they avoid fights, fight a lot, or are able to communicate differences without ever raising their voices. No one particular style is defined as better over another, as long as the conflict style works for both parties (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Many individuals also wrongly believe affairs are the central cause of divorce. Extramarital affairs generally occur after long periods of dissatisfaction and are rarely about sex. Individuals engaging in an affair tend to do so in response to feeling lack of friendship, support, respect, and attention from within their marriage (Gottman, & Silver, 1999). Affairs are often explored out of a desperate need for love and to feel appreciated. Myths and misconceptions prevent married couples from identifying the root of their marital problems. Recognizing myths as false concepts empowers couples to accurately evaluate problem areas and work towards a solution.