Reducing divorce rates through improved couples communication skills

Rising Divorce Rates

The Need for and Purpose of the Project

The Sub-problems

Couples Therapy

Prevention Therapy

Impact of Divorce on Children

Chapter 5-Conclusions, Summary and Recommendations,

The Need for and the Purpose of the Project

Divorce has become popular throughout the many years it has existed and divorce rates continue to increase. More than a million people a year get a divorce (Tucker-Ladd 35). Young couples are more commonly known to get a divorce, than those who have been married for two or three years (35). Forty percent of men and fifty percent of women are divorced before that age of thirty (35). About fifteen to twenty percent of people ages 35 to 55 are now currently divorced (35). About twenty percent of marriages last less than fifteen years (35). Recent statistics say that sixty-five to seventy percent of new marriages will fail (35).

There is one thing in this world which you must never forget to do. Human beings come into this world to do particular work. That work is their purpose, and each is specific to the person. Of you forget everything else and not this, there's nothing to worry about. If you remember everything else and forget your true work, then you will have done nothing in your life" (qtd. In Tucker-Ladd 35).

In order to reduce the number of divorces that happen each year, married couples must learn to effectively communicate with one another. These interpersonal communications skills should begin before the marriage vows are taken and should last until "death do us part."

As statistics prove, divorce rates have skyrocketed over the last half-century. Divorce has now become universal, changing rapidly through time (Berry 1). The reasoning for this is probably because if the familiarity of divorce throughout the world. People are being divorced up to six times before they actually settle down (2). Divorce is accepted. It is looked at by many as a decision of choice made by those who feel they made a mistake. For those couples without children, divorce usually ends up with a small amount psychological distress (Herman 10). Divorced couples that have children grieve twice as hard because they not only grieve for themselves, but for their children as well (11). Many times couples may feel embarrassment and shame because they feel that they have failed (10). Any situation with stress-related factors can lead to depression (10-11).

To avoid becoming a divorce statistic couples must learn how to communicate with one another. Communications is the foundation of every relationship (Tannen, 32). During interpersonal communications it is necessary that the participants reach a mutual understanding of what message each other is trying to convey (Tannen, 33). This mutual understanding is vital to sustaining a functional relationship. As with any relationship, marriage is not different. Each member of a martial dyad must have clearly defined and understood communication and interaction between its members (Tannen, 32-33). Bad communication in a relationship can cause many misunderstandings and troubles.

If good communication is easily attain, than the United States would not have nearly 50% divorce rate (Tannen, 32).

The purpose of this discussion is to explore the manner in which counseling can aid in the development of communications skills of married couples. First we will evaluate the use of couple counseling and the many methods that can be used. Then we will explore preventative counseling and the ways in which it increases a couples' ability to communicate. Lastly we will explore the impact of divorce on children including issues of abandonment and their perceptions of divorce.

Statement of the Problem

Couples have a responsibility to one another before they get married to make sure that they are ready to make such a commitment. The purpose of this study is to evaluate the causes of increased divorce rates and determine if marriages are ending because of lack of communication skills between partners. Good interpersonal communication is the key to a lasting relationship (Tannen, 32). Communication is the central medium through which couples initiate romantic relationships, build upon those relationships, address their problems and generally live out their relationships, good communications skills are vital part of a successful marriage (Burleson, Kunkel, and Birch, 262). By going through some type of communication skills training before marriage, couples can hope to learn how to interact with one another and hopefully eliminate the possibility of divorce (Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg, 18).

The Sub-problems

The First Sub-problem is to evaluate marriage counseling to determine if couples should seek counseling before and during marriage to ensure that they have the proper communication skills needed to make their marriage succeed.

The Second Sub-problem is to evaluate the immediate effects divorce has on children.

The Hypotheses

The First Hypotheses is communication skills training with couples before marriage would decrease the high divorce rate.

The Second Hypotheses is a poor relationship between spouses leads to a lack of rapport (trust & confidence) which inhibits communication.

Definitions and Abbreviations of Terms

Interpersonal Communication is face-to-face passing, giving or sending of information by touch, words, or signals.

Marriage is a formal and legal relationship, governed by rules and established through ritual that recognizes an enduring sexual union and the legitimacy and status of its issue.

Marriage is the institution under which a man and woman become legally united on a permanent basis.

Divorce is the termination of marriage. Though marriage is usually marked by ritual, divorce rituals, beyond the use of a prescribed formula, are rare. Divorce is an important topic (closely related to property rights and inheritance) in religious systems of law.

Divorce, in simple terms, is a legal separation from one's spouse, ending a marriage between two people by law. The first divorce ever recorded took place in Massachusetts, in 1639 (Berry 1). The woman was awarded with the divorce decree after the court learned that the husband already had a wife. The husband was then fined, imprisoned and finally banished to England during this Puritan time period (1)

Chapter 2

REVIEW OF RELATED LITERATURE

Introduction

The purpose of this research project is to evaluate the relationship between poor interpersonal communication and how it leads to divorce. The number one problem reported in interpersonal relationships is communication (Cavin, 1). The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) released a study last year identifying the top five reasons people get divorced: financial difficulties, poor communication, lack of commitment, mid-life crisis or major change in priorities, and marital infidelity. They have also identified several other important reasons of marriage failure, such as physical abuse, substance abuse or gambling. This chapter of the project will include information from the literary search on divorce and communication, marriage counseling, and how divorce affects children, emotions and finances.

The need for marriage counseling

Pre-martial counseling helps reduce the risk somewhat and can prevent many bad marriages. It depends on what kind of counseling, though. Some studies indicate that counseling given, as part of "Community Marriage Polices" in certain cities is extremely effective, according to American Divorce Reform. In a control group of couples, those who received an education program dealing with communication, relationship expectations and sexual relationship enhancement demonstrated more positive communication during conflict discussion tasks than did the couples who received no counseling (Calvin, 2). Furthermore, one year later, the couples who received communication training reported fewer problems than they did before the program (Calvin, 3).

Many people are embarrassed to seek counseling or feel that there isn't anything that can help the relationship, but that is so untrue. Seeking outside help gives a third person's view of the problem (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 38). It is much easier for a trained professional to look at the problems from an objective point-of-view and offer techniques or strategies for the couple to work on that can do a world of good. The therapist never takes sides. He or she treats the married couple equally, and teaches them to listen to each other effectively. Getting professional help can make a world of difference in a marriage and it only makes sense to give it a try before getting a divorce (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 38).

Divorce has traumatic effects on children

According to American for Divorce Reform, "divorce greatly increases two- or three-fold, the incidence of all kinds of bad effects on children of divorce, including psychological problems, juvenile delinquency, suicide, lack of education, and teen motherhood.

Problems arise from conflict during and after divorce more than from conflict during the marriage. Problems persist into early adulthood and affect the marriage and mating choices of children of divorce. Adults and children are at much more increased risk for mental and physical problems due to marital distress than if they were not to have a divorce at all.

The double threat of marital conflict and divorce has led to a generation of United States children at great risk for poverty, health problems, alienation, and antisocial behavior (National Center for Health Statistics, 1997). Children living with a single parent or adult have a higher prevalence of activity limitation and higher rates of disability. They are also more likely to be fair or poor health and more likely to have been hospitalized (NCHS, 1997). During the 1990's, almost 15 million children, most of them younger than 8 years of age, faced a life-altering crisis: divorce (Sammons). When parents divorce, children suffer injuries that can last a lifetime (Sammons).

Reducing divorce and unwed child-bearing "would not only be good for children and society but, in the long run, will save money." With that said, the effects of divorce "spill over into every aspect of life" note Rector and Fagan. According to studies, children whose parents divorce:

Are increasing the victims of abuse and neglect;

Exhibit more health problems mental, emotional and physical;

Are more frequently involved in crime and drug abuse;

Have higher rates of suicide;

More frequently demonstrate a diminished learning capacity;

Perform less well in reading, spelling and math peers from intact two-parent homes;

Are more likely to repeat a grade, have higher dropout rates and lower rates of college graduation; and Are more likely in homes with reduced incomes.

Chapter 3 Research Methodology

The research methods used to complete this project included the careful analysis of professional articles and reports. All of the information presented in the 4th chapter was derived from professional journals and an encyclopedia of medicine. The professional sources that were used include Annual Review of Psychology, Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, The Gale Encyclopedia of Medicine, The Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology and Contemporary Pediatrics.

Chapter 4 Presentation and Analysis of the Data

The Gale Encyclopedia of Medicine defines marriage counseling as, "a type of psychotherapy for a married couple or established partners that tries to resolve problems in the relationship. Typically, two people attend counseling sessions together to discuss specific issues." (Turkington) The encyclopedia article goes on to explain the purpose of the counseling is to discover ways that the couple can better communicate. (Turkington)

Marriage counseling is described as a short-term therapy that can take place before a couple actually marries, during a marriage or after a couple is divorced. (Turkington)

In the case of the latter the counseling is used to mend broken fences for the sake of any children that might be involved. (Turkington)

Couples Therapy

Annual Review of Psychology reports that "Couple therapy reduces relationship distress and may affect individual psychopathology, such as depression."(Christensen) The focus of the study in this article focuses on couple therapy and prevention programs for couples. (Christensen) The article explains that there are a several different interventions that couples can try. The most popular of these interventions include; behavioral couple therapy, cognitive behavioral couple therapy, and emotion-focused couple therapy. (Christensen) Now let us discuss each of these in depth.

The intervention referred to as Behavioral Couple Therapy describes social learning theory of human behavior, behavioral couple therapy (BCT) views marital satisfaction and distress in reinforcement terms. Couples are satisfied to the extent that their ratio of reinforcement to punishment in the relationship is positive; they are dissatisfied to the extent that this ratio is negative." (Christensen)

Christensen goes on to explain that this type of therapy is based on the assumption that the couple is together because they share some type of "mutual reinforcement." (Christensen) After a certain length of time the affection that the couple once felt for one another gives way to a mutual irritation with one another. The irritation that the couple feels for one another may result in verbal bickering and a breakdown in communication in the relationship. (Christensen) The purpose of this type of intervention is to demonstrate to couples how they can form better communications skills. (Christensen) In addition the intervention seeks to motivate couples to solve their problems calmly and without hostility. (Christensen)

There are three types of interventions within Behavioral Couple Therapy which include; communication training, behavior exchange, and problem solving training. (Christensen) Behavior exchange describes the process by which the marriage counselor demonstrates to the couple the positive aspects of the relationship and persuades the couple to perform those acts on a frequent basis. (Christensen)

The counselor also directs the couple to appreciate the positive actions of the partner.

Christensen) In the intervention described as communication training counselors show couples how to maneuver through problems without placing blame and they teach couples to affirm each others feelings.

Christensen) In problem solving training couples learn "how to define problems explicitly, how to generate potential solutions to those problems, how to negotiate and compromise on possible solutions, and how to implement and evaluate solutions." (Christensen)

It is believed that Behavioral Couple therapy is one of the most effective ways to counsel couples. There have been several studies that have confirmed this belief including one performed by Hahlweg and Markmen in 1988 which found that the treatment had a 95% success rate over a time period of one year. (Christensen) Dunn & Schwebel also conducted a study of the intervention in 1995 they examined 11 studies published between 1980 and 1993 that contained 13 BCT treatment groups. On measures of marital behavior, they found a weighted mean effect size of 0.79 at posttreatment and 0.52 at follow-up. On measures of relationship quality, they found a weighted mean effect size of 0.78 at posttreatment and 0.54 at follow-up. The average follow-up time in their study was 8.75 months." (Christensen)

The next intervention that Christensen discusses is Cognitive behavioral couple therapy.

This type of therapy involves mates correctly interpreting each others behaviors. It is believed that the same cognitive behavior therapy that is successful with individuals can also be used to successfully treat couples. (Christensen) The purpose of this type of therapy is to "facilitate partners' ability "to identify their cognitions that are associated with marital discord, to test the validity or appropriateness of those cognitions, and to modify dysfunctional cognitions" (Christensen)

When this type of therapy is used counselors attempt to reform certain dysfunctional behaviors within the relationship. (Christensen)

This is achieved through the careful observation of the couple's attitudes towards one another; this allows the therapist to see certain negative words that the couple might use. The therapist can then provide the couple with alternative means of expression. (Christensen)

In addition the counselor will attempt to change the couples perceptions of one another.

In studies conducted using this methodology couple had a 54% success rate at improved marital behavior. (Christensen)

In addition the study found that the couples had a 71% improvement in their relationship quality when this method was used as a form of couple's therapy. (Christensen)

The results of these studies were taken over a time period of six months. (Christensen)

The final form of therapy that Christenson discusses is Emotionally Focused Therapy. Emotionally focused therapy examines "distress in close, romantic adult relationships in terms of attachment theory." (Christensen)

Relationship distress is defined as, the inability of a relationship to form a firm foundation for either person in the relationship. The theory behind the therapy asserts that, the disruption of attachment bonds that leads to relationship distress stimulates strong primary emotions within partners, such as a fear of abandonment by the other. In addition, there are secondary emotions and reactions, such as angry withdrawal in response to one's fear."

Christensen

Emotionally focused therapy utilizes two principles the first of which is to find and remember the emotions that the couple once felt for one another. The second principle is to recreate the manner in which the couple interacts. (Christensen)

When this type of therapy is used counselors attempt "to expose and highlight the primary emotions that partners experience in their interaction with each other." (Christensen)

Christensen explains that the ability of couples to discuss their feelings sheds a new light on how they perceive the relationship and their role in the relationship. When couple are able to see themselves in this light they can create better interaction patterns that fulfill attachment needs. (Christensen)

For example, an EFCT therapist might help a pursuer, angry at the lack of contact with a withdrawn partner, to access his or her fear of abandonment and express this fear, rather than the secondary anger. The partner in term may respond to the expressed fear with support rather than withdrawal and the beginnings of a new, more functional interaction pattern is generated." (Christensen)

Studies that examined this therapy found that improvement in marital behavior was 87% and 69% in relationship quality. The results were derived from a time period of 12.4 months. (Christensen)

As you can see couple therapy can be crucial to the well being of a relationship. Ultimate a couple's decision to go to therapy may impact whether or not they get divorced. In any case this brief synopsis illustrates the importance of therapy and the ways in which it can aid couples in improving there communications skills. Christensen concluded that all three of these therapies can be beneficial to couples and that there are no major statistical differences in the effectiveness of the three types of therapy. (Christensen)

Prevention Programs

Now let's discuss prevention programs which are a "semi-structured series of meetings employing some combination of brief lectures, couple exercises, group or couple discussions, and skill practice." (Christensen) these programs are designed to show couples how to have healthy relationships. Couples learn skills such as conflict resolution, financial management, communications skills and the like. (Christensen)

Prevention programs are designed primarily to keep people form divorcing and to improve relationships. They are also designed to aid people in everyday situations so that they can communicate and solve problems. According to Christensen,

Reviews of prevention studies published over the last two decades suggest that prevention programs can change the behavior of couples over relatively brief periods of time and that they may be able to produce moderate-term increases in relationship adjustment and stability (Bagarozzi & Rauen 1981, Giblin et al. 1985, Guerney & Maxson 1990, Hahlweg & Markman 1988, Sayers et al. 1998). However, due to methodological issues, reviewers have placed different degrees of confidence in this conclusion. For example, Guerney & Maxson concluded "there is no doubt that, on the whole, enrichment programs work and the field is an entirely legitimate one." (Christensen)

There are three programs that have proven to be extremely effective in prevention therapy. These programs include: the Couple Communication Program, Relationship Enhancement, and the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. (Christensen)

The Couple Communication program was created in the 60's and relies upon the systems theory. (Christensen)

There are four aspects that define the theory including;

1. To raise awareness of self, spouse and the relationship. (Christensen)

2. To teach communications skills. (Christensen)

3. To show couples how to enrich their relationship (Christensen)

4. To enhance satisfaction within the relationship (Christensen)

Christensen describes the Relationship Enhancement therapy as "an eclectic model, drawing from many schools of psychotherapy, with an emphasis on the work of Carl Rogers and on learning theory." (Christensen) This form of therapy urges couples to learn nine skills that urge couples to "communicating effectively, responding empathically, resolving conflicts in a mutually satisfying manner, and ways to break out of negative cycles and implement more constructive behaviors." (Christensen)

The final program is Prevention and Relationship Enhancement which was created in the 80's and has the social learning theory as a foundation. (Christensen) According to Christensen, this model tries to uncover how conflict resolution affects the relationship. (Christensen) This form of therapy aids couples in avoiding behavior that can be construed as detriment to the relationship. (Christensen)

The four purposes of this therapy are;

To help couples learn effective communication and conflict resolution skills. (Christensen)

Allow couples to clarify and evaluate their expectations of the marriage. (Christensen)

Urging couples to assess and renew their commitment to a longlasting relationship. (Christensen)

Increasing the positive facets of the marriage. (Christensen)

Preventative Counseling is a very important for of counseling that should be explored before a couple gets divorced. It most cases it seems to improve the marriage because the couple learns valuable communications skills. In addition they are taught how to resolve conflicts.

The results of the study are as follows

In all three models, fear of abandonment consistently predicted internalizing problems as reported by both mothers and children and tests of mediation indicated that the effects of divorce stressors on internalizing problems were mediated through fear of abandonment. In two models, fear of abandonment mediated the effects of divorce stressors on externalizing problems as well. Further, two of the three models provided support for fear of abandonment as a mediator of the relation between mother -- child relationship quality and both internalizing and externalizing problems." (Wolchick)

Researchers note that this study is very trustworthy because of the way that the study was conducted. "An important methodological strength of this study is the use of a prospective, longitudinal design."(Wolchick) They note that the design of the project creates a consistency within the findings throughout prospective tests of models. (Wolchick)The study also found that the fear of abandonment was very real for the children and affected parent child relationships.

Finally let's discuss what situations present the largest hurdles for children of divorce. One of the main problems that children of divorce have is the ongoing anger between the parents. (Sammons) It is essential that parents learn to get along after divorce. Contemporary Pediatrics also writes that custody rights also affect children of divorce. In most cases it hurts the relationship that children have with their fathers. (Sammons)

In order to remedy this Sammons writes that children should see both parents as much as possible. Children must also know that each parent loves them and wants the best for them. In addition parents should never argue or put down another parent in the presence of a child. This makes the child feel that they were the reason for the divorce. A child's world is very self-centered and no matter what the situation is surrounding the divorce children have the tendency to feel that they are to blame.

Chapter 5-Conclusions, Summary and Recommendations

Conclusions

This research paper has thoroughly investigated why marital counseling is so important to the developing of communications skills among married couples. We discovered that communication is the glue that holds any relationship together. We also found that when couples are able to communicate effectively they can avoid the pitfalls of divorce.

Our investigation found that there are two ways that couples can learn better communications skills. These two methods include couple counseling and preventative counseling. There were three types of couple counseling that we discussed including; behavioral couple therapy, cognitive behavioral couple therapy, and emotion-focused couple therapy. We found that all three can be effective. We also explored three types of preventative counseling including; Couple Communication Program, Relationship Enhancement, and the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. We concluded that these programs were also effective ways of improving communication and preventing divorce.

Finally, we discussed the impact of divorce on children. Our investigation uncovered a myriad of problems that children of divorce face including depression, promiscuity, drug abuse and teenage pregnancy. We also found that children of divorce often experience abandonment issues which cause them to fear intimate relationships. When concluded that it is essential that parents try to resolve their differences if at all possible so that children will not be adversely affected.

Summary

Effective communication between the husband and wife is the key to the progress towards unity in marriage. Dwight Smith in his book "After you've said I do" states that "the heart of marriage is its communication system. It can be said that the success and happiness of any married pair is measurable in terms of the deepening dialogue which characterized their union." Therefore a breakdown in marriage can always be traced to frozen communication lines. It seems that nothing is as difficult as communicating with each other, yet nothing is more crucial than communication in a marriage or family. Accordingly marital success owes much to an effective communication system.

Better communications skills can only be achieved through the process of counseling. It is evident that marital counseling can have a huge impact upon the status of a relationship. It also seems that marriage necessitates the observations of a third party that can serve as a mediator and help couples to communicate more effectively.

This research paper has also made clear the impact of divorce on children. It seems evident that in many cases divorce dramatically changes the way a child perceives the world and themselves. It is vital that married couples understand the impact that a divorce will have on a child and that they do everything their power to ensure that the marriage can not be salvaged. Sometimes there are times when marriage gets rough and couples must decide to stick it out when the going gets rough. This can also be a valuable lesson for children because it teaches them not to quit just because something is difficult to endure.

Recommendations

It is recommended that couples get counseling before they get married so that they are taught communications skills and are shown how to solve conflicts. Premarital counseling is also recommended because it can reveal to a person whether or not they are ready to get married. This may aid greatly in reducing the divorce rate. It will also prevent couples from creating children that will be products of divorce.

The second recommendation is for marriages that are in trouble to seek counseling. Counseling is a very viable alternative and has proven to be quite effective. The counseling can be in the form of couple counseling or prevention counseling. The tactics that the couples learn will aid them in communicating more effectively and resolving conflicts.

The third recommendation is that if a marriage must end in divorce and there are children involved the entire family should go to counseling. It was made evident through our research findings that children of divorce are often faced with many different issues. Counseling can help the children to understand that they are not being abandoned and that the divorce was an issue between the adults. This is a very important step in ensuring that the children grow up to be mentally and emotionally stable and that they succeed in life.