Young people's idealized perceptions of marriage and divorce

Marriage and Divorce

Interview One: Olivia/College Student

When Olivia speaks of her own relationship, she does exhibit some of the traits common to young people when selecting a mate, meaning that she admitted to being attracted to her boyfriend initially based on his smile, and height, also citing his sense of humor as something which drew her towards him.

Olivia demonstrates some practical notions of marriage, along with some that are still incredibly youthful, which appear to whitewash some of the nuances and intricacies of marriage. For example, Olivia does explain that she thinks a couple should be together for at least three years before marriage to really test their compatibility with one another. Olivia also explains that marriage is something where both parties should openly discuss the details of it -- such as when the marriage will occur and where the couple will live. She also seems to view marriage as ideally manifesting as a form of close companionship (companionate marriage). However, there is a danger that she sees marriage in far too idyllic terms. By citing a story about the rosy memories of her 92-year-old recalling the memories of her 68-year marriage as an example of what marriage means to her, it seems as though she can only anticipate the positive parts of marriage. "My grandmother told us that Poppy was not only her perfect match, but her best friend. Their relationship was so successful because they thrived on communication, trust, and most of all love." This anecdote, while warm and cheerful, might indicate that her grandparents had a great partnership, but it doesn't mean that Olivia understands that conflict management is a part of marriage. Communication, trust, and love are vital elements of a proper, lasting union, but a lot of couples have these elements and they still can't make it through all of life's hurdles.

Olivia's answer didn't indicate the work that she understood marriage to require. Olivia seemed to think that once one found one's perfect match everything would fall into place, but that's not necessarily true. Olivia's answer still demonstrates too much of "fairy tale" influence. "My grandparents believed that they were meant to be together forever, and never once thought about being with anybody else. When I grow up, I hope to find someone to share that type of relationship with." This answer does not take into account the fact that her grandparents were from a completely different generation, who wouldn't consider being with anyone else, because they were socially conditioned not to. Generally, the people who are most honest and most realistic about marriage are the ones who admit that it's often very difficult and sometimes you want to get out of it.

Olivia's thoughts on divorce are also both accurate yet naive. For example, she accurately illuminates how divorce is sometimes the healthiest option for some couples. Olivia's remark, "When two people are unhappy with each other, divorce makes sense" is actually one of the wisest and yet most naive comments of all. Divorces usually happen for a range of intricate and nuanced reasons, and yet, one could argue that fundamentally, one can simplify them all down to the fact that couples are no longer happy with one another. However, there are lots of couples who make it through some of the unhappiest times and pull through even stronger than before. Olivia seems to have a very simplified view of divorce and it appears as though a great deal of her perspective is simply limited by her youth, which is understandable, as well as the fact that her family has not known a great deal of struggle with their relationships. For example, it appears as though no one in her immediate family has ever suffered from divorce, which could give Olivia the perspective that marriage is about finding the right person and then everything will still work out okay. For many couples, they may have found the right person but they still need to figure out how to be with that person through tough times and work through conflict -- and Olivia's perspective doesn't seem to account for such occurrences.

Thus, Olivia's opinion reflects the innocence of youth and general inexperience. She doesn't treat divorce with any sense of taboo, which people from previous generations might. However, her thoughts indicate that she will need some more life experience to see what it takes for a real relationship to work or to end.

Interview Three: Liz, mother

Liz has been divorced and is currently remarried. When she reflects on her first husband, she recalls a strong, powerful man, with a great deal of charisma who commanded attention and had no care for what others said about him. He was very generous and completed tasks quickly; he was thrilling in comparison to the conservative, Spanish-Catholic home that I was raised in with my single mother. I always felt safe with him, and I truly felt that he would never let anyone hurt me.

Their decision to get married was as the result of a whirlwind romance; as Liz explains, "Jeff wanted to have a family and so just a couple of months after meeting I got pregnant. This was not an accident. Jeff wanted a child. I was 27 and Jeff was 41. We had a daughter and got married. In that order." Given all of this deep life experience, Liz feels that at different stages in one's life, marriage has different purposes.

As Liz explains, "When I was in my 20s I thought of only the romance and having a family. It was a perfect world and we were going to live happily ever after. Today a woman in my 40s I think of marriage as a partnership, security, a companion to share my days with. Two people that have the same values and basic ideology." She clearly has a companionate view of marriage.

Even though Liz has gotten a divorce herself, she still feels it should be the last option and reserved for relationships which are physically and mentally unhealthy.

Unlike Philo, Liz believes that the culture of divorce has impacted relationships in current society by becoming more acceptable. "It was acceptable for us to divorce so we did what was easiest and moved on. I came from a divorced family. I grew up around women (sisters) that had all been divorced and were raising the children alone with the support of each other. The men had left them and abandoned their responsibilities as husband and father." The culture of divorce means that people give up on their relationships too soon, and it becomes more normal to leave the person that you're with than to work on the relationship. Thus, Liz is a big believer in couples therapy. "It is important to understand the other person's view even if you do not agree with it. Acknowledge when you are wrong and work on not making the same mistakes over and over again." Making the same mistakes over and over again can damage the relationship and wear down the foundation; apologizing is also important.

When Liz went through her own divorce, she cites that the biggest turmoil came from not understanding what had happened and having to move from one home to another. However, as Liz acknowledges, her daughter was able to grow up in a household where yelling and fighting were absent: "I think because we were divorced parents and felt guilt, Danielle had more attention than most children with married parents. She knew she was our priority and very much loved."

Fundamentally, both Philo and Liz demonstrate the wisdom of life experience. They don't hold any fairy tale notions about what marriage is. They see it as a partnership that needs to be treated with love and respect, and a respect for the differences of another person. They both see communication as fundamental for a happy relationship (Schnebly, 2001) and mutual respect and self-respect as essential for a happy union (Owen, 2009). Finally all these interviews have demonstrated the multi-faceted needs that go into have a health relationship (LaMotte, 2008).