Childhood Divorce Trauma: Personal Case Analysis and Treatment

Introduction and Primary Diagnosis

Divorce is a traumatic experience for a child under any circumstances. It was certainly so in my case, in which several intervening factors complicated the development of effective psychological coping mechanisms. I was nine years old when my parents divorced. The divorce was not the result of mutual consent or irreconcilable differences, but stemmed from the fact that my mother had an affair with my father's best friend and subsequently left the country. Being abandoned by my mother has had lingering effects on my psyche, impairing my ability to form intimate relationships and to trust others. Using my own experience as a lens, it is possible to evaluate the developmental, environmental, cultural, and systemic issues at stake during a major family trauma like divorce. Legal and ethical issues related to my personal case will also be discussed. The analysis informs a thorough diagnosis and treatment plan, as well as suggesting possible alternatives.

The following issues form the basis of the primary diagnosis: low self-esteem; inability to trust others; inability to commit in personal relationships; inability to commit to long-term plans; and lack of interest in parenthood. Although a lack of desire to have children is not necessarily a pathology, in my case I believe it is a symptom of the underlying issues related to my parents' divorce. Hess and Camara (2010) point out that a child who experiences divorce may undergo "stress that interferes with normal development" (p. 79). When my mother left, my grades at school began to plummet and my social life took a turn for the worse. I became withdrawn and lost interest in the activities that once made me happy. Friendships and family ties suffered. The "primary bonds with parents" that I had prior to the divorce were shattered (Hess & Camara, 2010, p. 79). Even my bond with my father was shattered, as I may have subconsciously blamed him for my mother's departure. The divorce also shattered my trust in social institutions in general, pointing to what Hess and Camara (2010) describe as the "challenges to conceptions of social reality" that divorce causes in children (p. 79).

The inability to make commitments — both in romantic relationships and in career choices — also stems from the divorce experience. I struggle to trust others in most situations, including those I love. Divorce is widely recognized as a serious trauma, ranking second only to the death of a loved one in its psychological impact (Peck & Manocherian, 1988). The social support system that might have been available in other countries was absent in Iran, where I grew up. As Peck and Manocherian (1988) point out, "the sociocultural context of the family is another aspect to consider in understanding the impact of divorce, adding a vital and often overlooked dimension to the divorce process" (p. 1).

Cultural and Social Context of Divorce in Iran

Whereas divorce is relatively common in the United States, it is relatively rare in Iran. This made it extremely difficult to find ways of expressing the complex array of emotions I felt as an abandoned child. Moreover, "the ramifications of a specific culture's perceptions of divorce greatly influence the family's adaptational process" (Peck & Manocherian, 1988, p. 1). In a culture that traditionally does not recognize or accept divorce, my father had few means by which to process the trauma himself, and equally few means by which to help me cope. He experienced the divorce with as much psychological confusion as I did, and it was difficult to adapt to the social stigmatization that arose once neighbors, friends, and family understood what had happened.

Neither of us could count on friends, family, or social institutions for meaningful support during this time of great need. Research on children and divorce consistently highlights the importance of community and institutional support systems in buffering psychological harm — support that was simply not available to us. It was this absence of social support that bred within me a serious inability to trust others or make lasting commitments. The stigma associated with the divorce also precluded my father from seeking family counseling or individual counseling. Both of us felt a sense of shame, and it was difficult to talk about the divorce with friends, family, or social workers.

Parental Relationships and the Emotional Wall

In addition to being unique due to cultural and social factors, my situation was also unusual in that the primary caregiver after the divorce was my father. My mother entirely extricated herself from the family, and I had little to no contact with her after she left the country. As Hess and Camara (1979) point out, the negative effects of divorce are greatly mitigated when positive relationships with both parents are maintained (p. 79). I never had this opportunity, because my mother left and my father had his own set of difficulties coping. "The child's relationship with the non-custodial parent is hugely important for promoting effective coping with stress" (Hess & Camara, 1979, p. 79). In most cases it is the mother who is the custodial parent and the father who is non-custodial — but not so in my case. This reversal may have disrupted my capacity to trust the social institution of marriage, or to believe that any woman could become a person truly worthy of my trust. It may also have affected my confidence in a future partner's ability to serve as a primary caregiver for our children.

Moreover, I did not miss my mother after she left. Whether due to resentment or anger that I could not process properly, I ceased to think about her. It was as if an emotional and cognitive wall was constructed within me. That wall sheltered me from the pain of losing my mother, the pain of feeling abandoned, and the pain of social isolation. This emotional wall remains within my psyche and is one of the primary reasons I have difficulty opening up to others. To open up would require dismantling the only coping mechanism I ever knew. The wall has become a part of my identity and personality. If I take it down, I might encounter emotions that are too powerful and uncomfortable to manage — an onslaught I fear I may not be equipped to endure. I am afraid of what might emerge if I delve more deeply into my feelings about the divorce, or even into my feelings about my current marriage and other relationships.

Low self-esteem is another integral part of my diagnosis. The inability to trust and low self-esteem are closely intertwined: I am unable to trust because I feel poorly about myself, and I feel poorly about myself because I have trouble trusting others. One of the initial reasons I developed low self-esteem was that I could not make sense of my parents' divorce. I did not know why my mother left, or why she chose to have an affair and abandon her family. Because I could not answer the fundamental question — "Why did this happen?" — I distanced myself from other people. I felt too ashamed to answer questions about my parents or to discuss the divorce openly. This led to poor social relationships with peers, which in turn produced lower self-esteem.