Can Marital Intimacy Skills Be Taught? Research & Bible

Introduction

Marriage, as a concept, has become one of the most talked-about subjects in the United States over the past few years. The traditional idea that a man and a woman made up the couple within a marriage is being challenged, largely on the basis of the external benefits of marriage. Couples outside the traditional model often live together for long periods of time without a formal contractual agreement. This trend is coupled with accounts about the decline of marriage (Coontz, 2007) and reports that couples feel less need to marry than they once did, choosing instead to cohabitate. One thing that has not changed, however, is the belief that marriage should unite two people who are intimately connected (Polinska, 2011).

As a matter of fact, people still regard marriage as one of the most honored institutions in American society. Coontz (2007) stated: "The percentage of people who believe it is acceptable to cheat, lie, or keep secrets in a marriage has fallen over the past 40 years. Many couples work hard to enrich their relationship and deepen their intimacy, with a dedication that would astonish most couples of the past." This would actually surprise many observers, given that the divorce rate remains historically high (Polinska, 2011). Nevertheless, though people may not marry as readily as they once did, they still believe that once married, couples should remain together (Coontz, 2007).

This leads to a discussion of marital intimacy and whether it can be taught to couples who have either lost it or experienced its ebb. The fact that people believe married partners should remain together is unsurprising; that intimacy can be enhanced through a structured course or therapy may be more surprising to many. This paper examines marriage from both a Biblical and a secular perspective and argues that not only can intimacy be taught, but that it has been taught since ancient times.

Historical Perspective on Marriage and Intimacy

The earliest known account of a man and a woman entering into what people today would recognize as marriage occurred when God joined Adam and Eve together, and Adam declared: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Before this moment, in Genesis 2:18, God speaks of the intimacy a man needs: "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him." It is not merely the word "alone" that signals the intimacy God intends for the couple, but the word "helpmeet." Later verses, particularly in the New Testament, explain that a helpmeet is someone honored and loved by her husband (1 Peter 3:7; Eph. 5:25). Yet the history of marriage changed dramatically over the millennia.

While God arranged the first marriage, arranged marriages became the norm throughout much of history. Only recently have people across all classes and castes been able to choose their own mates freely. The reason was practical: "Marriage was seen as a means of enlarging one's economic enterprise, acquiring powerful in-laws, strengthening military alliances, or (for the less privileged) enlarging the family's labor force" (Polinska, 2011). Marriage was too consequential a transaction to be left to the individuals being wed, who might not choose the most advantageous match. For the economically disadvantaged, choices were often limited, particularly during periods when men were away at war or exploring new lands.

Times changed, as they often do, through shifts in prevailing thought. "Romantic love became widely accepted only in the nineteenth century under the influence of Enlightenment thought, the ideals of the French and American Revolutions, and of the Romantic movement" (Polinska, 2011). This does not mean that people never fell in love before this era, but that marriages were primarily arranged rather than self-selected. The concept of intimacy was also different: prior to the early twentieth century, women were largely regarded as property (Coontz, 2007), first owned by their fathers and then transferred to their husbands. Because of this arrangement, marital intimacy was not considered a priority in the way it is today (Coontz, 2007).

The Dimensions of Marital Intimacy

Marital intimacy was nonetheless one of God's concerns, as the scriptures already cited demonstrate. The concept is elaborated most fully in the writings of Paul, particularly in Ephesians chapter five, which provides the most detailed Biblical explanation of how spouses are to relate to one another. To wives Paul says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands, as unto the Lord" (Eph. 5:22). This may sound severe, but verse 25 places an equally demanding charge on husbands: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it." The wife is called to submit to a man who loves her as Christ loved the church — enough to die for it — a standard that is extraordinary and difficult to meet. The chapter concludes: "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverences her husband" (Eph. 5:33). The husband demonstrates intimacy through love; the wife through reverence. God gave each partner the instruction most suited to their individual nature, yet people throughout history have struggled to follow it.

Intimacy encompasses the sexual dimension of marriage, but that is not its sole component. Stahman (2004) identifies eight distinct dimensions of intimacy: "social, emotional, cognitive/planning, financial, spiritual, intergenerational, affectional, and sexual." The social dimension concerns how the couple spends time together — not that they share every interest, but that they genuinely enjoy one another's company (Stahman, 2004). The emotional dimension involves how each partner feels when thinking of the other while apart, including the sense of security that comes from that thought. Most committed couples also share a desire to build a long-term relationship and make decisions in service of that shared goal (Polinska, 2011).

Financial discord is frequently cited by divorced couples as a primary cause of separation (Coontz, 2007), so financial unity — a shared approach to earning, spending, and planning — constitutes its own dimension of intimacy. Spiritual unity is another important element; while many couples have successfully navigated different religious upbringings (Coontz, 2007), Stahman (2004) found through his research that spiritual unity meaningfully contributes to marital intimacy. The intergenerational dimension acknowledges that marriage joins two families with potentially very different customs and expectations, a dynamic that has the power to impair a couple's closeness. Affectional intimacy — caring for one another on an emotional and physical level that does not require sexual expression — is also distinct and important (Stahman, 2004). And finally, there is sexual intimacy.

When the word "intimacy" is used today, many people immediately think of its sexual dimension (Coontz, 2007; Polinska, 2011; Stahman, 2004), yet as the list above shows, that is only one component. Stahman (2004) writes: "An intimate sexual relationship is one of the most important aspects of marriage. It keeps marriage vital. It is the glue that holds couples together. Without it, small problems become large ones, and large problems can result in destroying the marriage." Sexual intimacy often signals the overall health of the relationship; when it diminishes, it may indicate that one partner is not feeling close to the other. "The sexual side of marriage is closely linked with the emotional and personal elements in the relationship… What the married couple have to achieve, therefore, is a sexual relationship that expresses, sustains, and renews their deepest and most tender feelings for one another" (Stahman, 2004).

This theme is also addressed in I Corinthians 7, where Paul writes to Christians who had received inadequate instruction and were, in some cases, distorting their faith as a result. In verse four Paul states: "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife." Paul was acutely aware of the sexual perversions prevalent in Greek culture and wanted to clarify God's design for marital intimacy. The Bible frequently presents counterintuitive guidance, as God tells Isaiah: "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts" (Is. 55:9). In Corinth, Paul teaches that spouses cannot treat their bodies as solely their own; in marriage, the two have become one flesh (Gen. 2:24), and in that union, bodily autonomy is shared — which Paul presents as the ultimate expression of intimacy.

Conclusion

The original question was whether marital intimacy can be taught. The consensus from both secular research and Biblical teaching is that it can be — and has been. The secular perspective holds that intimacy is most effectively enhanced through cognitive approaches that help individuals change how they perceive and respond to their partner's needs. The effectiveness of this approach depends on the therapist's ability to deliver it and the couple's willingness to engage with it. In the studies reviewed, couples who participated in cognitive therapies responded positively because they came to see that changing their reactions to their partner's needs — which often differed from their own — led to greater closeness.

The Biblical perspective aligns with this conclusion. Paul's letters aimed precisely at changing how couples behaved toward and thought about one another. The Corinthians were instructed to place their spouse's needs above their own and to understand what God intended for the marriage relationship. Because God regarded the marital union as uniquely sacred, He expected husband and wife to honor it accordingly. Taken together, both frameworks affirm that marital intimacy is not simply a fixed trait some couples possess and others lack; it is a set of skills and orientations that can be learned, practiced, and deepened through intentional effort.

References

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Coontz, S. (2007). The origins of modern divorce. Family Process, 46(1), 7–13.

Jakubowski, S. F., Milne, E. P., Brunner, H., & Miller, R. B. (2004). Hope-focused marriage/couple/relationship enhancement/enrichment. Family Relations, 53, 528–536.

Kirby, J. S., Baucom, D. H., & Peterman, M. A. (2005). An investigation of unmet intimacy needs in marital relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(4), 313–328.

Polinska, W. (2011). "Till death do us part"? Buddhist insights on Christian marriage. Buddhist-Christian Studies, 30, 29–40.

Stahman, R. F. (2004). Intimacy in marriage. Brigham Young University. Retrieved from