Can Marital Intimacy Skills Be Taught? Research & Bible

Introduction

Marriage, as a concept, has become one of the most talked-about subjects in the United States over the past few years. The traditional idea that a man and a woman made up the couple within a marriage is being challenged, largely on the basis of the external benefits of marriage. Couples outside the traditional model often live together for long periods of time without a formal contractual agreement. This trend is coupled with accounts about the decline of marriage (Coontz, 2007) and reports that couples feel less need to marry than they once did, choosing instead to cohabitate. One thing that has not changed, however, is the belief that marriage should unite two people who are intimately connected (Polinska, 2011).

As a matter of fact, people still regard marriage as one of the most honored institutions in American society. Coontz (2007) stated: "The percentage of people who believe it is acceptable to cheat, lie, or keep secrets in a marriage has fallen over the past 40 years. Many couples work hard to enrich their relationship and deepen their intimacy, with a dedication that would astonish most couples of the past." This would actually surprise many observers, given that the divorce rate remains historically high (Polinska, 2011). Nevertheless, though people may not marry as readily as they once did, they still believe that once married, couples should remain together (Coontz, 2007).

This leads to a discussion of marital intimacy and whether it can be taught to couples who have either lost it or experienced its ebb. The fact that people believe married partners should remain together is unsurprising; that intimacy can be enhanced through a structured course or therapy may be more surprising to many. This paper examines marriage from both a Biblical and a secular perspective and argues that not only can intimacy be taught, but that it has been taught since ancient times.

Historical Perspective on Marriage and Intimacy

The earliest known account of a man and a woman entering into what people today would recognize as marriage occurred when God joined Adam and Eve together, and Adam declared: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Before this moment, in Genesis 2:18, God speaks of the intimacy a man needs: "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him." It is not merely the word "alone" that signals the intimacy God intends for the couple, but the word "helpmeet." Later verses, particularly in the New Testament, explain that a helpmeet is someone honored and loved by her husband (1 Peter 3:7; Eph. 5:25). Yet the history of marriage changed dramatically over the millennia.

While God arranged the first marriage, arranged marriages became the norm throughout much of history. Only recently have people across all classes and castes been able to choose their own mates freely. The reason was practical: "Marriage was seen as a means of enlarging one's economic enterprise, acquiring powerful in-laws, strengthening military alliances, or (for the less privileged) enlarging the family's labor force" (Polinska, 2011). Marriage was too consequential a transaction to be left to the individuals being wed, who might not choose the most advantageous match. For the economically disadvantaged, choices were often limited, particularly during periods when men were away at war or exploring new lands.

Times changed, as they often do, through shifts in prevailing thought. "Romantic love became widely accepted only in the nineteenth century under the influence of Enlightenment thought, the ideals of the French and American Revolutions, and of the Romantic movement" (Polinska, 2011). This does not mean that people never fell in love before this era, but that marriages were primarily arranged rather than self-selected. The concept of intimacy was also different: prior to the early twentieth century, women were largely regarded as property (Coontz, 2007), first owned by their fathers and then transferred to their husbands. Because of this arrangement, marital intimacy was not considered a priority in the way it is today (Coontz, 2007).

References

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Coontz, S. (2007). The origins of modern divorce. Family Process, 46(1), 7–13.

Jakubowski, S. F., Milne, E. P., Brunner, H., & Miller, R. B. (2004). Hope-focused marriage/couple/relationship enhancement/enrichment. Family Relations, 53, 528–536.

Kirby, J. S., Baucom, D. H., & Peterman, M. A. (2005). An investigation of unmet intimacy needs in marital relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(4), 313–328.

Polinska, W. (2011). "Till death do us part"? Buddhist insights on Christian marriage. Buddhist-Christian Studies, 30, 29–40.

Stahman, R. F. (2004). Intimacy in marriage. Brigham Young University. Retrieved from