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¶ … email to Bobby Johnson
Communication problems
The communication problems in the email entitled "email to Bobby Johnson" are inherent to both the style and the content of the email. The purpose of the email is to note to everyone in the office that a member of the organization is retiring next month and that a celebration is planned in his honor. The email also is intended to solicit a financial contribution for his gift, a gift certificate. However, a number of critical bits of information are left out including who Joe Banyon is; the date of the party; the suggested amount needed from everyone for the gift certificate; and when to RSVP.
Rewritten email
All employees of the XYZ company
Hello to all! As all of you are probably aware of by now, Director of Human Resources Joe Banyon will be retiring at the end of next month. We will be celebrating Joe's twenty-five years of dedicated service on March 20th, 6pm at the City Cafe. RSVP by February 23rd so we can get a headcount if you would like to attend. Directions are available on the City Cafe website or you can contact me by email if you have any additional questions about the location.
We are asking for donations of $10 per person (submissions no later than February...
All donations can be given to me, Building ABC, Office of Human Resources. Thank you so much and hope to see you there!
Yours truly,
X
Phone extension X1234
Using the 10 C's for writing effectively
Content- are you saying exactly what you want to say?
The purpose of the email was to notify readers about Joe's retirement, the specifics of his retirement party, and also to solicit contributions from party attendees for a gift certificate.
Completeness- have you included all the necessary information your receiver may need?
Information was added to the original text, including Joe's position; the date and location of the party; the amount needed for the gift certificate.
Correctness-have you checked your communication to be sure your facts are accurate?
Yes, all facts are accurate. In case there are any questions, contact information is given so that the recipients can fact-check anything needed. The spelling errors in the original email were also corrected.
Clarity-have you made your message…
The revised email had more correct and detailed factual information as well as greater specifics about Joe. More information is given about Joe so the reader will have an emotionally compelling reason to contribute.
Reference
Stuart, B.E., Sarow, M.S., & Stuart, L. (2007). Integrated business communication: In a global marketplace. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 110-111.
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