Counseling Using Clarkson's Five Relationship

Counseling Using Clarkson's Five Relationship Model Because the 14-year-old male (for purposes of this paper his name is "Joey") had lived thirteen and a half years with his father, in the environment that will be described in this paper, Joey has a very tough row to hoe. Very tough. Any changes in the lives of people - particularly young people - can be hugely challenging.

But the radical social and physical changes that face Joey will test more than his mettle; they will test his ability to adapt to a life that is 180 degrees in the opposite direction from his previous life. In this paper it will be pointed out that he has at least five major hurdles to confront, five major life challenges to deal with and hopefully, with the help of insightful and skilled counselling, he will to comes to terms with those challenges.

Those five are: one) grieving over his father's death (which may take years); two) moving from an all-male living space into an all-female living space; three) moving into a big noisy confusing city from a quiet rural environment; four) moving from a small country school to a big school which is a microcosm of all the stress and social tensions that the city outside is known for; and five) going through puberty - and all the questions and emotions attached to the hormonal changes puberty brings - in the midst of women, whom he has never confided in before about personal and intimate matters.

These five issues in Joey's life will be examined from a counselor's perspective using the Five Relationship Model developed by psychologist Petruska Clarkson. The personal relationship he had with his father - albeit his father was an alcoholic - was deep and nurturing, according to the implications from all available information. Joey lived out in the country, a place that was quiet, peaceful, and exposed him to the natural world in ways that he could never know - and will never know - in the big city.

The first rung on Clarkson's ladder of relationships is the "Working Alliance." This is the basic contract (most often unspoken) between people who are in the same household, or in the same department of a company, or somehow in the same "boat" so to speak; in this case the working alliance was between Joey and his father.

A child who grows up without a mother - even though she may have been present for his first six months - knows little to nothing about the feminine gender, let alone how mothers nurture and guide children from infancy to adulthood. A counselor realizes that Joey and his father were survivors. Whatever themes or challenges were presented in their lives, they survived together. They shared personal ideas and when one or the other became ill they worked together to make it better.

They were both stuck inside during brutal winter storms and when lightning flashed all around during spring and summer thunderstorms. Clarkson says the working alliance is "the most important relationship because it is essential for survival," hence the two of them were survivors. This isn't just about sharing the chores - on Tuesdays Joey takes out the trash, on Wednesdays his father takes out the trash - it is about learning survival skills, understanding the ebb and flow, plus the give and take, of human interaction.

It involves pouring the foundations for sharing a living environment and building the structure of that relationship upon that foundation, which hopefully was sturdy. Clarkson is also talking about "basic hygiene and safety factors" in the first step, which will be difficult for Joey when his "mother" who either gave up on him or lost him in a custody battle.

Dad has always reminded him to take showers, brush his teeth, and educated him as to the "birds and bees." Now, he'll have to listen to mom and big sister, and since the information is not available as to what kind of people they are, it can be assumed that it will not be all smooth going. A counselor would be wise to tread lightly around the question of how Joey is getting along with the women now, and emphasize the good things he learned from dad.

Did he learn from dad to accept it when things don't go right? Did his dad show him that life isn't always fair, and humans, no matter how difficult things can be, must hang in there and battle through the unpleasant side of living? Did his father himself have difficulties that he overcame? These are things that can be explored with Joey in a counselling session.

Perhaps in the first session of the six the conversation can be directed not to what he's facing now, but how he and his dad worked through difficulties. The second step in Clarkson's relationship model is "unfinished business" (also known as "distorted relationship" or "transference"). Joey's life at this moment - putting everything else aside including his changes and challenges - is truly a matter of unfinished business. But everyone's life is unfinished business in the broadest sense.

What does Joey want to do with his life when high school is finished? He is there, he is not going anywhere else, he can fuss over and fume and even fight it, but it's not going away and he is not going away.

What is his level of emotional maturity? What did his dad want for him? What would his dad ask him to do right now if he could come back for an hour? What did he tell his dad he wanted to do after he finished his education? Did his dad agree or disagree? Would his dad want him to now be living a normal life for a kid of his age? Well then, that is what he must do.

Unfinished business indeed, and has he made any friends at school? Are there any clubs that go on hikes or out into the country where he used to feel so at home? Why not join a club that helps the environment? Clarkson's third step in her relationship model is "Path for Development" (or "developmental" in the sense that people need to build an approach to life and to learning along a linear path).

Joey must learn to live in a new city, with women for the first time, without his dad and in a school that is chaotic and cold compared to the little country school he had come to enjoy. And he must develop an approach to his new school that will free him from fear and worry. High school-age young people can be cruel and heartless, and bullies are always around. He must learn to be strong when times are rough.

A counselor would do well to create a rough draft with a time line that projects what Joey "wants" to do first as he makes the several necessary adjustments. Below that time line should be a time line graph of what he "needs" to do - versus what he "wants" to do - and during each counselling session the professional will pull out the materials and they together will assess what point he has reached on each of the graphs.

They will agree on where the mark should be made with a colored sharpie (color his choice). It doesn't have to be created with any exactitude or artistic skill; the psychology of the effort will be what matters, and it can be fruitful if done with patience and creativity. Clarkson's fourth step is "Personal"; it is the person-to-person dimensions of human interaction, which, Clarkson says, are "the glue of social interaction" whether in an office or in a home.

It is time to relate to his personal life in his new environment. He has his own room, and he no doubt has put up posters of his favorite sports players and/or musicians.

Who are his favorite musicians? Everyone on the planet has the freedom to choose what kind of music suits him or her the best, and who are the musicians that play that kind of music the best? As Joey prepares to be a good citizen in his home, and attempts to make interaction a pleasant daily activity with his mom and sister - which is as much his responsibility as it is theirs, albeit he is much younger - they will need to know something about him other than what they already know.

What are some of the favorite lyrics sung by his favorite musical artists? Does he like any of the same music his big sister likes? Could they go to a concert together sometime? In a big city one of the nice things is there are many cultural activities. And what are his favorite animals? Is he into dinosaurs? There may be a museum.