Narcissistic mothers and divorce effects on only child development

¶ … Divorce on an Only Child

Effects of Divorce and Poor Parenting on an only Child

Narcissistic mothers have the tendency to deny most of their wrongdoings concerning the way they raise up their children. They set a bad precedent through uncouth behaviors that are easily picked by their children. Most often, such mothers are cruel to their children but hide their behaviors in the disguise of love. They usually have the character of aggressiveness and hostility to their children when agitated. This might sometimes create friction with the rest of family members or distant relatives and this affects the development of a child. Narcissistic mothers further complicate the nature of divorce; concerning growth and development of children. They pose a greater challenge to children who are already experiencing difficulty in trying to adjust to the complexities of divorce (Chen, 2005).

When describing a narcissistic mother, it is vital to identify the traits associated with narcissism. Traits of a person suffering from 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' must exhibit at least five attributes so as to fit the complete definition of narcissism. These include; an ostentatious belief of pomposity; preoccupation with fantasies of limitless success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. In addition, it involves the belief in being 'special' and unique; need for excessive admiration and acquiring a sense of entitlement. Other attributes are possessing interpersonal exploitation; non-empathetic; having envy for others or believing others have the same belief for oneself; and showing arrogance, conceited conduct, or attitudes. These traits can only be exhibited in a person through her actions and thus a mother showing at least five of these traits is narcissistic.

The rates of divorce have increased between the periods of 1970s-1980s. Public debates have therefore increased on the subject, with the establishment that an ease of the process of divorce threatens the very bedrock to which childhood development stems from. With more emphasis on logistics of divorce, little attention is accorded to the effects of separation, on the development of the child.

Research studies have shown that nearly more than 50% of children in America will experience divorce in the course of their childhood development (Chen, 2005). These children have different characters, attitudes and personalities as compared to their counterparts who hail from intact families. However, these effects vary with a child's age and gender. Teachers have also noted that children from divorced families depict unusual behavioral problems in the course of their childhood development. These adverse effects can be minimal or avoided all-together, through cooperative parenting, avoidance of conflict and effective communication between a parents and a child (Fine, 2003, pp. 435-441). This study will therefore seek to demystify the effects of a narcissistic mother and a good father on the development of a boy from birth to early adulthood life (18 years).

Childhood habits

Little is known of the effects of divorce on children when they are toddlers. However, the impact of divorce and a narcissistic mother when the boy is a toddler is very minimal (almost negligible) because research studies have attested that very young children don't necessarily suffer because of the occurrence of a divorce (Fine, 2003). This is true because one of the parents may be active in the child's development, thereby ensuring there is a strong relationship with the child. Nevertheless, when the relationship bond between the mother and the boy is affected to a large extent, there might be detrimental signs exhibited from the child.

When the boy is a toddler, he might exhibit signs of immaturity as compared to other children of a similar age, but from an intact family setting. This can manifest with the boy resorting to play with toys and returning to security blankets (Fine, 2003). The opposite is true from children who hail from intact families. Most often, children within this age group would have outgrown toys. In the past, children have experienced lapses in toilet training as a result of disorientation or too much harshness from the narcissistic mother. However, behaviors pertaining to this observation are usually not expected to last for more than a week. The slow characterization of the child's growth is directly attributed to the boy's blatant confusion of why the father or mother left.

Pre-schooling

When the boy is in his preschool life, he is often isolated and doesn't interact with other children. Instead, they play with toys. These children are also angrier and often depressed as they play. More critical analysis have observed that these children may show more apathy and anxiety in their interactions with other children. The same is also noted between their interactions with adults. The same scenario is expected from interaction between the boy and the mother. At this pre-schooling age, the boy is more likely to seek more attention from adults but the divorce is likely to deny him this. As a result, the boy is bound to resist suggestions from adults and exhibit tendencies of aggression. The impact of the divorce is not likely to affect the boy's academic life at this stage until later in his development (Fine, 2003).

When the boy is much older, he will better comprehend divorce. Out of better comprehension, the child will start adapting to his primary environment and tend to cope better with the mother, unlike earlier ages. The boy is also more likely to grieve from the divorce because this is the period to which he begins to understand the impact of the separation. Later, the boy is more likely to yearn for the father's attention. If the boy stays with the narcissistic mother, he is likely to be very aggressive toward her. A conflict of loyalty is observed from the boy even if the mother never induced it (Fine, 2003).

Future Relationships of the child

The child is bound to imitate their parents' behavior in the course of his childhood development. Small details in the way parents behave are likely to stick to the child's memory (Hetherington, 2002). Research studies have also shown that children coming from complete families are less likely to experience divorce in future. The opposite is however true when comparing the same situation to children from separated families (Hopper, 2001).

The boy having hailed from a separated family would be less able to sustain future relationships than children coming from complete families. Resentment toward women is observed from the boy and he is bound to be abusive in his future relationships, especially during his teen life (Hetherington, 2002). Once the boy is subject to these motions, he orients himself with the abuses and is more likely to exhibit the same, in the course of his future teen relationships. Bad traits by the mother would make the boy think its normal for such detrimental parental behavior to be applied in human interactions. The idea of marriage is redefined by the primary environment of the boy as he grows up. Adolescent teens raised in this type of environment have a distorted idea of marriage as compared to teenagers from intact families (Hopper, 2001). As a result, the child's threshold for withstanding teen relationship challenges is reduced in future.

These personality traits are especially developed during adolescence because this is the period to which the boy would be defining ideologies behind relationships. It is also during this time that the boy's mental faculties would best comprehend attributes that define the relationship between a man and a woman. When the child is in the age group of 10-12/13, the impact might not be so domineering on the child's development as compared to later stages (14-18) in the life of the child (Livaditis, 2002).

Self-Esteem

Children brought up by narcissistic mothers are more likely to have a low self-esteem than those brought up by caring mothers. Narcissistic mothers make their children feel bad about themselves, thereby making the boy less confident, especially in his young adult life (between the ages of 13-18) (Chen, 2005). It is imperative that the child becomes less confident during kindergarten and early adolescent life when he compares himself to other children from caring parents.

The situation varies because children noted to live with caring fathers after divorce are more likely to avoid the negative impact of non-supportive mothers (Hopper, 2001).

When the boy is under 12, he is inclined to think there is something wrong with him because one parent is absent. Because a majority of kids have both parents, the boy is also likely to believe he is a minority. This situation is compounded by the narcissistic mother who would never bother to demystify this perception. She is likely to assume the child would grow out of it (Chen, 2005). The impact of this kind of psychological thought is reduced if a caring father showers the child with attention.

At about 10, the boy is likely to believe he is the cause of the separation. This then creates guilt in the child because he blames himself for the happenings that surround him. This is seldom the truth because divorces are usually a result of parental misunderstanding. This is usually unknown to the child. Nevertheless, the child develops fear out of guilt and this rubs on other social aspects like the ability to create formidable teen relationships with both sexes in future (Xiaosong, 2007).

Sexual activity

Normal child upbringing is affected by social, economic, family, and cultural factors. These factors also affect a child's sexual conduct especially through adolescent life. Research has affirmed that children brought up by narcissistic mothers are more likely to engage in risky sexual activity than children brought up by caring parents. The situation may be different if the boy's childhood life is dominated by the father. However, future relationships by the father with other women, other than the boy's mother are more likely to fuel promiscuity.

The boy is less likely to take caution in his adult life because he grows in an environment that disregards the sanctity of marriage. The situation is however different for children brought up in tight-knit families because they grow up in an environment of respect for both partners. These children also enjoy the support of extended families (on the side of both parents) thereby developing strong personalities, likely to see them sail through their adolescent lives, fairer than children from divorced families.

The situation may be complicated for the boy because separation would sometimes bring economic constraints when the father or mother leaves (depending on who is the bread winner). Adolescence is the most vulnerable time the boy could fall into the vice of sexual promiscuity because of biological and physical changes. The boy is also more likely to associate with detrimental peer groups and equally likely to engage in substance abuse, thereby increasing his likelihood of being an early teenage parent (Fine, 2003).

Aggressiveness and Disobedience

From the age of 10 to about 17/18 years, the boy is likely to be more fearful but disobedient. The boy may exhibit tendencies of immaturity, especially through his adolescent life. Though this personality complexity is also observed in children from complete families, the impact is much higher for children from divorced families. Fearfulness however stems from hostility by the narcissistic mother and disobedience would be brought by a rebellion from the mother's opinions for the father's (Fine, 2003).

In teen life, the effects of aggressiveness last much longer, with teachers noting increased tendencies of aggressiveness and disobedience among such youngsters. The boy is also more likely to run higher chances of breaking the law and experiencing arrest. In addition, such adolescents resist parental advice especially from mothers and the female sex (Hetherington, 2002).

Conclusion

Though divorce causes a varied number of detrimental effects on a child's development, the effects of a narcissistic mother doesn't affect all children. This is usually because some children emulate good patterns of behavior from their fathers. However, the effects of divorce and poor parenting are much more extensive than previously thought (Fine, 2003). Children coming from divorced families with poor upbringing are twice as likely to experience challenges in human psychological development right from early childhood into adult life.

Statistics pit children bound to experience such difficulties at around 20%-25% (Fine, 2003). Poor parented children are therefore more likely to exhibit aggressive tendencies. As a result, they are more likely to rub shoulders with the police and the school administration the wrong way. When compared to their counterparts from complete families, these children are more likely to be sad, have low self-esteem and more depressed. Future relationships are also strained, with poor relationships experienced between such children with their peers, siblings, and parents. These children are also more likely to pose poor relationships in future and experience divorce. Research studies have also affirmed that early sexual activity is likely from this category of children during their teenage years. In early teen life, relationship intimacy becomes a problem and independence from their mothers becomes hard to attain as well. Consideration should therefore be made on the effects of divorce and poor parenting on the child's development when parents divorce.