One of the defining failures that lead to divorce, according to the authors, is the inability to experience empathy for the other partner.
In the second section of the book, Dealing with Core Issues, the authors present methods of approach to managing and keeping healthy those most central components of a successful marriage: expectations and unfulfilled expectations, commitment, and intimacy.
The authors focus closely on the ever-present reality that it is through compromise that expectations can become unfulfilled. Individuals entering into marriage must learn to live together, to give up many of their individualistic behaviors and plans for a blending of them with their partner. The problem, then, becomes evident in the way in which either partner begins to view their perceived level of "sacrifice." Did one person stop going to school to raise the family and thus end career dreams? Did one person give up living in a particular community / region / manner to adjust to the other's? Did the dream of living in a large home become supplanted by the reality of living "small"? These problems, and their solution, require commitment. "The kind and depth of your commitment has a lot to do with your chances of staying together and being happy," (165).
Throughout this section, the advice and guidance is offered through examples of quite difficult marriage relationships. These examples serve to show the reader that they are not alone, that problems can be overcome, and that marriages can truly heal. but, the healing cannot be done overnight and it requires a genuine commitment on both partners to rectify the problems, to address and resolve their sources, and to progress forward. This, then, leads to the final section of the book, Enhancement. Within this section, we find that the authors have built a structure that reinforces what is good and positive within the relationship so as to help the couple rely upon those strengths and all of the skills and knowledge they have gained by going through the first two sections of the book. The first chapter...
What advice the authors give, however, in this section is filled with the kind of "wouldn't it be great if everyone would do this" sort of optimism. They promote each person "investing" (195) in the relationship, and they promote the idea that even if one person is investing more than the other, that person will be encouraging the other to step up their game. but, what about the couple where there is a true imbalance, with one person being involved in the marriage and the other being dissonant and distant? The book simply says - the other will have to try and put an effort in.
The problem, though, is that there is little advice, other than to "practice" and "seek counseling" to assist when one partner is so obstinate as to not become involved in the process at all.
The rest of the book, however, really should resonate with just about anyone working to improve their relationship. The point of the book is made throughout, but is, perhaps summarized best on the back cover, "Fighting for Your Marriage, can help you and your partner beat the odds and master the skills that can prevent marital distress and divorce." What the readers will get out of this volume is a sense that effort can be rewarded, that effort is worth it, and that working together to solidify the communication, commitment, friendship, and intimacy of the marriage relationship is critical to the preservation of what our society seems no longer to truly value - a solid marriage that lasts for life.
All married couples should read this book and treat it like an inoculation against the myriad problems that plague marriage. By doing so, a married couple can achieve a level of satisfaction, success, and longevity that does, indeed, beat the odds.
Works Cited
Markman, Howard; Stanley, Scott & Blumberg, Susan. Fighting for Your Marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, Inc., Publishers, 1994.
