Fighting for Your Marriage There

Fighting for Your Marriage

There are times in which a marriage is visibly struggling. Two married people can begin to diverge from each other and, subsequently, find that they no longer feel the depth of connection and commitment to each other that is necessary to maintaining a successful marriage. For many, as is clearly reflected in the divorce statistics of the past fifty years, the pressure to perform within a marriage, to compromise and to both lead and follow within the set structure of the bond is superceded by other influences. People feel less pressure overall, internally and externally, to stay with anything that is perceived as too challenging - careers change an average of 5 times over the course of the average working person's life, divorces happen with nearly 50% of all marriages, an increasing number of children are born to single mothers, and our general lack of commitment to anything is reflected in the ADD style (and success of) marketing that is so integral to our commercial culture. In short, loyalty is no longer touted as a virtue outside of strongly religious communities (who definitely have their own share of hypocrisy when it comes to that as well). What this all comes down to is a situation in which our very popular culture is fairly baiting us to be actively disloyal - it's cool to rebel. For authors Markman, Stanley and Blumberg, this situation is not one that should provoke despair, but one that requires an active fight. Fighting for your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, is one of the many self-help books available and, on the surface, appears to be little different than its cousins at your local Borders. but, in this case, the difference is found rather quickly within: one, this is not a "fixit" book, it is a preventive; two, it focuses on the construction of the relationship in order to help it weather storms; three, it offers uncomplicated and relevant information that, upon reading, seems like obvious truisms but are ones that many couples fail utterly to live up to. This book is a strong reminder that there are people out there genuinely concerned about the problem of divorce and attempting to take a non-theistic approach to this seeming epidemic.

The book is divided into three sections: Handling Conflict, Dealing With Core Issues, and Enhancement. The authors, all Ph.D.'s, and all in the field of family therapy, psychology, and marital studies, have constructed each of these sections to assist a couple who is already doing well, or who is at least in the early enough stages of their marriage that creating patterns of behavior is relatively easier. "If you're currently happy together, you can use the PREP {Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program} approach to prevent [problematic] patterns from developing in the first place," (13). but, this begs the question - if this manual is aimed at helping already healthy couples prevent problems...what couple anticipates the problems that are likely to occur such that they would seek out this kind of book? Does not the purchase of such a tome imply that the couple is heading for trouble? The authors answer this question with this, "If you're experiencing relationship problems, we want to motivate you to fight more constructively, so that issues actually get resolved," (13-14). The authors then lay out a fairly straight-forward description of the elements of conflict that arise: escalation, invalidation, withdrawal and avoidance, and negative interpretations.

In the first section, Handling Conflict, the authors also provide a description of the methods of conflict employed by both men and women and highlights their general differences. Fortunately, this no Mars and Venus kind of discourse, but one truly backed up by significant research. The authors conclude in this section that if the couple understands the perceptions of the other, they will become more empathetic and, simply, more aware of how what they say and do is likely to be interpreted by the other person. These concepts are reinforced through suggested exercises. The authors liken this to athletics practice - if you practice managing a conversation, employing good listening and communication skills, you will "understand each other's point-of-view as clearly and completely as possible," (73). One of the defining failures that lead to divorce, according to the authors, is the inability to experience empathy for the other partner.

In the second section of the book, Dealing with Core Issues, the authors present methods of approach to managing and keeping healthy those most central components of a successful marriage: expectations and unfulfilled expectations, commitment, and intimacy.

The authors focus closely on the ever-present reality that it is through compromise that expectations can become unfulfilled. Individuals entering into marriage must learn to live together, to give up many of their individualistic behaviors and plans for a blending of them with their partner. The problem, then, becomes evident in the way in which either partner begins to view their perceived level of "sacrifice." Did one person stop going to school to raise the family and thus end career dreams? Did one person give up living in a particular community / region / manner to adjust to the other's? Did the dream of living in a large home become supplanted by the reality of living "small"? These problems, and their solution, require commitment. "The kind and depth of your commitment has a lot to do with your chances of staying together and being happy," (165).

Throughout this section, the advice and guidance is offered through examples of quite difficult marriage relationships. These examples serve to show the reader that they are not alone, that problems can be overcome, and that marriages can truly heal. but, the healing cannot be done overnight and it requires a genuine commitment on both partners to rectify the problems, to address and resolve their sources, and to progress forward. This, then, leads to the final section of the book, Enhancement. Within this section, we find that the authors have built a structure that reinforces what is good and positive within the relationship so as to help the couple rely upon those strengths and all of the skills and knowledge they have gained by going through the first two sections of the book. The first chapter of this part, "Preserving and Protecting Friendship," involves recognizing that there has been, and certainly can be again, a true friendship between the couple. What advice the authors give, however, in this section is filled with the kind of "wouldn't it be great if everyone would do this" sort of optimism. They promote each person "investing" (195) in the relationship, and they promote the idea that even if one person is investing more than the other, that person will be encouraging the other to step up their game. but, what about the couple where there is a true imbalance, with one person being involved in the marriage and the other being dissonant and distant? The book simply says - the other will have to try and put an effort in.