Rock Decided to Meet Lucas,

¶ … Rock decided to meet Lucas, mainly because I was tired of living this way. It was a sudden realization, a turning point, sparked by a moment of wakening from life under the rock. Well, maybe not so sudden. There had been a long period of emotional osmosis and a gradual realization that life was going nowhere; a realization helped along by my mother and my friends. Added to this was the fact that I was also slightly tired and embarrassed by my life. So what if I have a nice, but extremely small, apartment in an up-market Washington neighborhood - this was nothing more than just an attractive rock. Something had to be done. So I decided to meet him; to go to Miami and face the future that I had been hiding from for too long now. Finally, it seemed, things were gelling into some sort of structure, some hope of an existence as I had always dreamt of it.

Over the years, my life has become one big rock. Well, maybe not a "big" one, considering the fact that I really haven't lived all that long, but anyhow, it's still a rock. Most of the time, I either find myself dying to crawl under one or coming to the tragic realization that for what seems like an eternity, I have been living under one. The latter tends to be slightly less embarrassing, less intentional and I guess, just a tad bit reassuring. Reassuring in the sense that I do not know it all, although I fool many people into thinking I do. Could it be that I was very sheltered growing up? It must be because I am going on 29 and not yet married.

This is a big thing. My mother and friends, particularly my mother, continually remind me of my life under the rock, all the time. Their evil and continual reminders know no bounds. For years my life under the rock has gone something like this.

My mother, who also happens to be my best friend, arrives at the apartment, just as she always does, at the crack of dawn. On Saturdays we go together to the Farmer's Market. We buy some fresh flowers and talk with some bystanders who look like they haven't seen a shower in decades, but mostly, we are there for the strawberries. As we dodge crates and careless children I hear, "Engaged yet dear?" She is truly evil.

That would mean I would have to be dating someone mother, and well, hmmm, I'm in a bit of a boyfriend drought." Ha, take that!

Well, what about that one fellow? The doctor?" Ok, I'm down for the count. She must seek pleasure from my pain. The one that could have been, but well, I lost interest.

He was such a nice guy, I really enjoyed him." Good mother, I am thrilled.

My sweet meddling guidance counselor is referring to a doctor of something that I dated for less than a second. He was a doctor, brownie points. He was tall, double brownie points and well, I got bored. I did carry on our relationship in my mind, if it was even that much, after it ended. Sometimes I think of him. Especially when I run into snotty old friends that I get immense joy from making jealous.

How are you"? Oh God, this is when I need that rock.

Fine and you?" I reply with a smile that resembles a museumgoer who has just sat to take a rest and realized that her bench is in fact an important piece of art,

It was Cynthia. We had attended high school and college together and I swear she followed me up here. She never liked me much. Her boyfriend in high school fell in love with me and well, she took it out on me. *****. Fortunately for me, at this time, I was wearing my gigantic yet very fake wedding ring. I wear it around town sometimes in the hope of warding off smelly bystanders and creepy critters who feel like they need to be part of my life. Score, she noticed.

Belle! You're engaged?" was tempted to respond with, "Married actually, to your ex-from high school," but I didn't think that would fly.

Yes, can you believe it?" God forgive me.

To who? Do I know him?" Do I?

I don't believe so. He's a doctor, just moved here from New York. We will have to get together so you two can meet." This is of course after I meet him.

But now I am in Miami, and all these evasions are about to become part of my past. I have made the date, phoned Lucas, and heard his firm yet soft voice and known, with an inner shock, that all my longings and doubts are to be solved. Strangely, and possibly arrogantly enough, I have little doubt abut his returning my feelings. I just know that he cares for me. I know this without having to find evidence in past; even though there is a lot of that. And of course, the fact that he said he needed me. Yes, when I phoned him he said it clearly in a voice that was unmistakably filled with emotion and desire. "I need you." These were his words.

I have felt it for so many years. For some reason I have avoided it, looking in places I knew were arid for me. Why was I running away?

I am assuming that, perhaps, my obsession with marriage was conceived in Limestone Land, also known as the childhood home of my mother. This was where I was returning to, to find some answers and to come out from under the rock that had been my life for so many long years. There was almost a sense of fatalism; a sense of rightness and inevitability. I was going to change my life, escape from under the rock and achieve something that had been haunting me forever.

As I gazed out of the window into the blue haze of heat and sun, my thoughts roamed and I went back over the past few years, trying to find some points of awareness and intersection that had brought my life to this stage and back to Miami. I felt a great realization seep though my body and an aura of calmness seemed to saturate the entire world. I also began to realize that making that phone call and the decision to meet Lucas had not been as sudden as it felt, but had been the result of months and years of soul searching and introspection. Or rather, it has been the result of long periods of incubation under the rock and then short shocks of awareness. All of these have accumulated in bringing me to this point.

A watched the birds skim the sky carelessly and waited for nightfall and the future to come to me.

Life under the rock gets lonely sometimes. I've wanted to get married for about, hmm, 29 yrs. now? No, it's got to be more than that. I was curious as to where my white horse, my red roses and my pathetic but wonderful attempt at a down-on-one-knee wedding proposal happened to be hiding? God must have forgotten about me, I thought. I'll bet your bottom dollar that he is most definitely punishing me for breaking too many hearts and tricking one too many men into thinking that, they in fact, were Prince Charming. Some have permanent reservations at my heartbreak hotel, while others, well, went out with the trash. Those that reside in the soft spot of my heart, were all lovely, but lacked a few key requirements.

That left me, Isabella Evans, all alone in my miniature, but quite classy, one bedroom apartment. Did I forget to mention just how miniature it really is? Yes, well, the bedroom and the kitchen are closerthanthis...what a good thing not much traffic comes through these parts. My little midget, but posh apartment, also happens to be right smack in the middle of Humungous House Land, also known as Bellevue, Washington. How the hell did I get there anyway? Oh that's right. I grew up in sheltered island paradise, dawdled around in Miami for awhile, and, how the hell did I get here? Who knows? Not I. Life seems to have no direction. But in hindsight there were small signs that have led me to this point.

One day I bumped into Nicole, another of my irritating but somehow necessary friends. We had the usual conversation which always seemed to hone into my unmarried status. But while I was evading and making wry quips to escape Nicole's interrogating barbs, something happened. I don't know how to describe it; a vision, prophesy, an epiphany. It was a moment out to time. I saw Lucas and myself together. The conversation with Nicole had sparked something that I had known all along but had somehow buried under the rock - he was the one for me.

Miami was where it all happened. I dated then. I guess you could say I had a life. Back then, if I were to be living under any rock, it had to be a very beautiful one, such as limestone, the kind of limestone that grew in small crevices on the road leading up to my grandfather's home on the island. I felt then that Prince Charming would come, eventually and when he did he wasn't going anywhere. After all, I am amazing; he must just not have received the memo quite yet. All of this was in the past and the time was now. I had been through enough doubt and feeling that I was some creature living under a rock. I was going to meet him and this situation would be resolved. Tonight was my coming out from under the rock.

Lucas. His name is Lucas Walker. We are in love, somewhere, in the back of my mind. I met him when I was 17, the summer before I became a freshman at Hippie University, the most granola university in the universe. He had the most beautiful smile. He had a radiant tan and wore a baseball cap that looked like it had belonged to his great-grandfather. He was a supervisor at a nannying camp where I spent my summer days working.

I had been away from the camp for a few days, God knows where. I returned bright and early to the shrieking children just in time to catch the latest camp gossip. Nicole, my erstwhile friend, had been there as well.

He is beautiful, how will I get him?" It is way too early to be so bubbly, and quite frankly, Nicole has never been much of a bubble.

Who? Did I really miss that much? Stuff always happens when I'm away." I shrug, as I walk beside Nicole, towards the check-in desk.

Lucas! We always thought he was super cute, but I really got to know him while you were gone."

Nicole! I have only loved him, for, hmm, ever!" I shrieked as the words flew out of my mouth. She had a smile the size of my ego, planted on her face. She really must have a few screws loose. Did everyone not know that I had the biggest crush on him? This is ridiculous. I wanted to slap the smile off her face and proceed on with my day.

I've always had a thing, somewhat of a phobia, about approaching the male species. Remember my ego? Well, it was huge and I didn't waste much of it on men that didn't want me enough to initiate conversation with me. The strange thing is, he did speak with me, and he did give me every indication that he was interested. He just didn't really make it much more.

Back then, I had what one would call a "winning streak." Pretty much any guy I sunk my teeth into, would fall head over heals...whether they wore heals or not. Lucas didn't appear to be one of those poor guys. He was unattainable and stunning. Being that I was Belle and I did have that one annoying phobia, amongst others, I spent the rest of the summer hanging out in the sun, making small talk where I could. Lucas would invite me out every so often. To the movies maybe or just over to hang out. Not that I ever did accept. For the first time, I was scared, uneasy and embarrassingly inexperienced. He was, by the way, a bit older and did have that dazzling bronze skin. I regret it to this day that I never went out with him. We would spend hours talking, but nothing more. It was always a bit intimidating, being that I, a beautiful girl, and Lucas, being of equal or quite possibly more beauty, wanted to spend time with me. I desired, so sincerely, to just...well, spend the rest of m! life with him.

Lucas and I would continue to speak casually through out the following school year; every once in awhile when I was in need of a soft voice that conveyed both sensitivity and longing. Nice combination....oh well. I would date here and there, break hearts and move on, get close to love and then escape but all while still wishing that Lucas was the one I was with. Everyone who was anyone, in my soap opera life, knew that I needed Lucas, knew that I longed for him on lonely nights, and maybe some not so lonely nights. So sue me. I found comfort in the fact that my ideal man existed...I lost control of my feelings and I never was too fond of that happening. Not that it happened all that often, because, actually, I don't think it ever did happen...at least not yet, on that level. I have never been a huge fan of loosing control, and even less of a fan of not getting what I want, when I wanted it. With Lucas it was different. The longing was true. He wasn't a possession or a conquest, more of a venture, into uncharted territory. During the rest of the day I languished at the pool and allowed my thoughts to drift.

The evening is perfect. He has the same smile and has become even more handsome and roguishly masculine. There is a glint in his eye and my heart is pounding, but a sense of assurance and calmness soon settles over me. There is no doubt in my mind and I can gauge with all the knowledge of my feminine intuition his obvious interest in me. We speak happily about those camp days and reminisce pleasantly enough. But behind the words and the light laughter I can sense the building of something bigger; something world shaking and real. The world of the rock begins to fade away until it is only a smudge on my personal horizon. All the while I am careful to keep myself in check. No use leaping ahead. Keep it light and casual. This was going to be long-term and I was going all the way. Lucas seems to have other ideas though, and his excitement and intensity are almost overwhelming. He is obviously deeply in love. Even before the first course was over he breaks the mood of light banter rand leaned intimately closer. He is almost insensitive to the delicacy and precariousness of my feelings.

I am so glad that you phoned. I need you. I have something really special and important to ask."

He leans back and looks at me as if searching for some hint or sight of understanding in my face and eyes. My heart is pounding even faster than before His face had a luminous handsome intensity and his eyes are fixed on me. I feel my defenses breaking down. I am ready to give myself to him as he leans in again. I can feel he warmth of his breath.

There is another person, one from my past, that I have not been able to let go of," Lucas declared. Is he joking? Am I dreaming? These were my first responses. But I am in shock. The mood changed and my calm assurance disappeared like mist in the fierce glance of the sun. I needed to wake up and fast. Beads of sweat are being born in every crevice of my body. There is a fire growing inside of me, only to be fueled by the beads of sweat. My hands are clammy, I reach for my glass of pinot noir and it slides unto the floor. I lean over to pick it up and take the candlelight with me. Is there a fire or is that just my insides again? This was supposed to be the first weekend of the rest of my life but instead, I felt as if I was being dumped. But wait, it doesn't count if we were never officially together right? Good, I am still 0 for hmm....6756408970896 on the dumping ratio. Wait, what was I thinking? You can't play love by numbers; you have to play it all by heart. Heart. That is what it is about! Heart and maybe face, which could use some saving right about now.