Sibling Rivalry Causes and Recommended Approaches

Sibling rivalry is among the greatest sources of stress in families, the least discussed if not the best-kept secret (Meyerhoff 1993). Conflicts, aggressive actions and harsh behavior among children, usually only a year or two apart, are a cause of deep torment and mental discomfort to parents that the matter is seldom discussed openly. Only when it becomes severe that it is brought up but in isolation and often with a lot of shame.

People in society assume that members of the family will love and get along with all other members. They generally expect positive feelings between spouses, between parents and children and among children (Jacobson 1999). It is a fact, however, that most members of a family at least some times do not feel very loving towards another member. And observation shows that the closer the family members are, the more intense their interaction with one another. Western culture is strongly inclined to trace sibling rivalry with that of Cain and Abel of the Old Testament and elaborated later by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, who gave it the label as the competition between siblings for parental love and attention (Leder 1993). Since the Freudian view got accepted, therapists and people in general came to view the relationship between siblings as one of conflict and struggle but failed to appreciate it as something that needed to be addressed and solved. Instead, sibling rivalry has been accepted as a normal state of affairs (Leder).

Frank observation of hundreds of homes will yield thousands of hours of unpleasant collision and confrontation between and among children who are mostly less than three years apart (Meyerhoff 1993). This is not often the case in families where there is only one child or when the space between children is four or more years. The hostility and jealousy that exist among children who rival for their parents' attention are made worse by the latter's confusion and self-condemnation (Meyerhoff). The problem condition is further reinforced by child experts and other professionals who ignore it as a mild disturbance in the family, which they believe can be quickly handled with minimal effort. Their faulty research, based mostly on interviews, combines with parents' reluctance to disclose the real difficulty with candidness. Confronting that real difficulty requires honest and earnest answers to certain questions, such as:

1. What is sibling rivalry? Why do siblings fight?

2. At what stage does it usually develop?

3. What causes sibling rivalry?

4. What are some warning signs of sibling rivalry?

5. How can it be handled effectively?

Literature Review

Meyerhoff, MK. Understanding and Alleviating Sibling Rivalry (Part I -- Perspectives on Parenting). Pediatrics for Parents, December 1993

Meyerhoff writes that, when a competitor enters a child's world for his mother and father's attention, his resentment of the intrusion is deemed normal, especially if he is under three years old. This happens because he feels he has a lot to lose and because he has very limited intellectual skills to cope with the loss. The world of a child less than three years old centers on his home environment and is focused on his relationship with his parents, his primary caretakers. In contrast, a four-or-five-year-old usually has formed essential attachment with his parents and the issues of control and family role has usually have been defined. At this age, he has also usually formed relationships outside the home, such as in nursery school and other children and adults. The infant or toddler newcomer, on the other hand, still struggles with very basic fundamental ways and has only verbal and physical assurances from his parents. He is still unable to understand and absorb expressions of abstract concepts such as love, sharing and fraternity. Furthermore, his attention span and memory are still short. The older child is usually able to figure the signs out and feels comfortable that an additional sibling will not threaten his importance in the family, especially when the new child is first brought home and sleeps most of the time. But as months go by, the new child begins to take up the time and attention of their parents and the older child, if he under three years old, may try to compete for and win back his parents' attention by imitating the younger child, such as by crying and whining or screaming, instead of talking and other regressions to infant behavior. When the baby goes beyond six or seven months and begins to crawl, climb, talk and talk, the situation can get worse. It is at this time that she requires greater and more immediate attention and praise for what she is now able to do. The feeling of jealousy and competition becomes greater and tighter in her older brother who now sees her as stealing their parents from him and he retaliates by hitting, pushing, pinching, biting and grabbing toys from her. But these reactions earn their parents' displeasure and punishment instead of a show of assurance that he wants desperately to win back and his jealousy and hostility towards his younger sibling grow and get deeper. The younger sibling, in the meantime, experiences different reactions. While she receives warmth, affection and assurance from their parents and other adults, her older sibling subjects her to abuse. She quickly learns survival techniques, such as crying, and realizes that she can retaliate through these means. With this new sense of personal power, she actually turns into the aggressor of the older sibling. At this point, parents get confused and overwhelmed that their angels can be engaged in constant hostilities for their affection.

Leder, Jane Mersky. Adult Sibling Rivalry. Psychology Today, Jan-Feb, 1993

According to Leder, clinicians and developmental psychologists agree that the bond among siblings is complicated, fluid and influenced by parental treatment, genetics, gender, life events, ethnic and generational patterns and the people and experiences outside the family. She mentions the findings of the work of Judy Dunn on sibling studies in England and the United States, which offer a radically new view of children's abilities and social understanding. Dunn's findings suggest that one-year-olds can respond to disputes between their siblings and that they are deeply affected by their mother's interaction with the other siblings. The findings also concluded that 18-month-old siblings understand how to comfort, hurt and deepen each other's pain and showed that three-year-olds can have a sophisticated grasp of social rules and how to use them for their own motives. At this age, they can evaluate themselves and their relationship with siblings and can adapt to frustrating conditions and relationship in the family.

Dunn explained that parents' relationships with each of the children have a lot to do with sibling rivalry, Leder continues. Children from one year can acutely sense how they are treated differently from other siblings by their parents. The show of more love, more attention or the inability or unwillingness to monitor what goes on between children is what brings on sibling rivalry or damage the connection among siblings. And both parental action and inaction have long-lasting effect and impact on already rivalrous relationship between siblings.

Dunn's studies also suggested that sister-sister pairs tend to be the closest and brother-brother pairs tend to be more rivalrous, with identical male twins as the most competitive. But sibling relationships tend to change dramatically over the years: critical life events in early and middle childhood can bring or separate them, such as a mother's illness or death, transition to school and adult events, like leaving home, marriage, tending to an ill parent, grief over a parent's death and other adjustments. Dunn concluded, as Leber writes, that siblings are constants in life that serve as a reference in judging and measuring ourselves, because they share a history through which any one sibling can understand and develop a perspective in adulthood. Friends and neighbors may disappear and die but siblings remain one's siblings and old rivalries can be forgotten or forgiven and siblings can instead help one another feel more human and more connected.

Jacobson, DonnaRae. Living with Your Teenager. North Dakota State University Extension Service Newsletter, July 1995

Jacobson enumerates that children or siblings fight because they want a parent's attention, because they are jealous, because of ordinary teasing and because they want to win, as they grow up in a competitive society. Both children and adults need not only weeks or months but also years to learn how to behave right in relationships. Teenagers fight more intensely for parental love, attention and concern and some adults never really fulfill this need.

Jacobson suggests that parents look for the reasons behind their children's fight or rivalry and decide to stick to their position about it. They should impress upon them that, while disagreements are normal, constant fighting is not and it upsets them and the peace of the home. They should also remain calm and keep their sense of humor. Jacobson also suggests tips to parents in curbing, preventing or controlling sibling rivalry.

Child Development Institute. Handling Sibling Rivalry, 2005

CDI traces sibling rivalry to Biblical times, such as Joseph's problems with his brothers. While it notes that there are solid families, relatively untouched by rivalry, factors like age, sex, birth order, temperament and the sharing of common parents can give rise to it among siblings. It points to parental attitude as the most important factor, where parents feel differently about certain children and their personalities or dispositions. It says that taking sides or ignoring appropriate behavior are among common mistakes that parents must avoid or stop in managing sibling rivalry.

Some suggestions CDI offers to parents to manage the problem include not making comparisons between or among children; not ignoring or suppressing children's resentment or angry feelings; avoiding situations that create or promote guilt in siblings; letting the children or siblings settle their own problems or conflict; taking appropriate and solid action; introducing and implementing a family plan that will avoid negative consequences; and developing a system of evenly distributing privileges.

Molgaard, Virginia. "Sibling Rivalry." Understanding Children. Cooperative Extension Service Newsletter: United States Department of Agriculture Iowa State University of Science and Technology, 1999

Molgaard recognizes that siblings most often fight to get their parents' attention or to show superiority or power over one another. She writes that, while some bickering among siblings or children is normal, constant arguing, fighting and aggressions are not. In order to manage the problem, she suggests parents to allow siblings to express their feelings about each other; refrain from comparing them with one another; treat them individually rather than equally; refrain from taking sides; let them work their conflict by themselves; step in only when they cannot; stop dangerous fighting; and give themselves time to learn how to treat and deal with their children.

Jet Magazine. Tips for Taming Sibling Rivalry. Johnson Publishing Company, 2004

The Magazine believes that instinctual rivalries among children or siblings can be tamed and redirected towards what is good in many cases. It suggests setting rules, such as against name-calling, tattling and all forms of physical aggression; knowing each child's personality; not giving in to the yelling and the noise; refraining from pointing the finger; separating and then reconnecting the warring parties; posting a schedule; establishing roundtable discussions; and getting professional help when the condition gets worse as to threaten the stability of the family.

Ehlert, Robert. Raising Cain or Savvy Siblings? -- Causes of Sibling Rivalry. Better Homes and Gardens: Meredith Corporation, August 2000

Ehlert writes that parents can prevent sibling discord by looking for each child's unique capabilities, acknowledging their individual talents; delighting over the differences of each from the others; feel and show enthusiasm towards their activities; acknowledge their accomplishments without comparing these with those of their siblings; and trying to see situations from each child's point-of-view.

He offers these tell-tale signs of sibling rivalry for parents to watch out for: a child's complaint about some unfairness; unprovoked aggression; a child's avoidance of competitive activities he previously showed interest in; and a child's much reduced energy or interest in what he previously enjoyed, or frequent show of sadness.

Ehlert, however, finds that some amount of sibling conflict can have benefits in the future. He quotes Barbara Coloroso, author of "Kids are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline." Coloroso writes that a little sibling rivalry rehearses children for conflict when they reach adulthood, but it should also teach the child that he must calm down and practice restitution, reconciliation and resolution, Coloroso's Three R's. The child who commits an aggressive act must try to make restitution, try to reconcile with the victim and then resolve not to repeat the misdeed.

Summary, Conclusion and Recommendations

Sibling rivalry has existed since the olden times but little has been done about confronting and controlling it because it has been accepted as something normal and because parents are too dismayed and ashamed to openly address, discuss and solve it and child experts and other professionals' research on the subject has been faulty.

Behind this hushed attitude towards a serious fact in many families, rivalry among siblings are a clear phenomenon, especially among children with less than three years gap between them and among young children less than three years of age. The young child is threatened with the arrival of a competitor for his parents' time and affection and he has very limited intellectual and emotional coping skills to deal with the competition and new situation. The infant, on the other hand, soon becomes the recipient of the jealous and hostile older brother's hitting, pinching and grabbing and learns how to retaliate and even lord it over him. The consequence is their parents' confusion and frustration over the extremes their older and younger angels will go into in retaining their parents' time and affection. Studies show that sister-sister pairs most often get close while brother-brother pairs are often the most rivalrous. Sibling relationships, however, go through dynamic and dramatic changes through the major or critical live events, which either draw them closer or severe their connection. What is significant is that siblings, unlike friends and neighbors, are constant and share a common history that offer a stable and unchanging perspective to them when all other conditions break or vanish.