The next time, it might be she who got her neck wrung. In this instance, verbal aggression led to non-verbal abuse. It was mean and cruel.
Verbal aggression never helps to resolve a conflict. It reduces the credibility of the person who engages in it, and increases the credibility of the person who is the victim of it. Why people behave in a verbally aggressive manner is a wonder. It may be they just don't like the person they are attacking. The most frequently given reason by aggressors is that they are simply responding to someone else's verbal aggression. Verbally aggressive people are often angry people who are seeking any and all outlets for their anger. I'm pretty sure Pete is such a person. Since Sue left him, he refers to her as "the whore." He may have grown up in a household where people treated each other this way. Maybe they treated him in a verbally aggressive manner, and that's how he learned it. Some things he has said about his father suggest this. It may also be that he is unable to argue effectively so he uses verbal aggression instead. He attacks on a personal level and below the belt to diminish the other person's sense of self-worth. it's a way of winning by inflicting psychological pain on the other person. Because this behavior is disconfirming, the other person feels discredited and his/her view of self is damaged. It is a very destructive way to win in a conflict. In terms of conflict management skills, verbal aggression is a strategy that fails every time. There is evidence that marriages, in which verbal aggression is present, are also likely to also include violence and abuse. Certain characteristics can be spotted in verbally aggressive people. When confronted with stubbornness, for example, they employ insults. If a person doesn't do what they want them to do, they tell the person he/she is unreasonable. When trying to influence another person, they attack the person's character. They lose their temper and say strong things to people who don't cooperate. When...
They "stimulate" the "stupid" person's intelligence by poking fun at the person. They "correct" bad, mean, or cruel behavior by attacking the character of the person who does those things. Rather than refuting another person's argument, they like to put a person on the defensive in order to weaken their position. When nothing else works, they yell, scream, and pound the table with their fist.
Some interesting research has emerged that shows a diametrical relationship between verbal aggressiveness and argumentativeness. Argumentativeness, a quality to cultivate, is a "remedy" for verbal aggression and is a way of approaching disagreements and conflict that is not destructive either to the other person or to the relationship.
Argumentativeness, which can be taught, allows a person to speak his/her mind on significant issues and controversial matters while refraining from personal attacks on the character, intelligence, and self-concept of the other person. The person who is argumentative can state his/her position clearly in order to refute the other person's argument. Argumentative people tend to enjoy arguing; they find it exciting and intellectually stimulating, like trying to win a competition, fun. They are not so vulnerable to persuasion as non-argumentative people are because they are constantly on the look-out for ways to refute the other's point-of-view. They immediately seek the weaknesses of a persuasive appeal. People who practice argumentativeness are less likely to encounter violence or abuse in their marriages. Of course, there can be too much of a good thing. A highly argumentative person may argue too much and too often.
Probably, the best adaptation is to argue only when it is necessary and avoid needless or repetitive arguments. It would be good if Pete could learn some argumentation skills and how to be more argumentative -- it might even save his next marriage.
