Book Review: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

Introduction

Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships provides a helpful and insightful look at anger in women's lives. She teaches women that anger can be a constructive emotion that can help strengthen personal relationships. Her advice can be especially helpful for women who have sometimes dealt with anger in ineffective and potentially damaging ways. Overall, Lerner's book is full of helpful advice for women seeking to understand and manage their anger.

The book's title, with its emphasis on anger, is immediately compelling. Many women seem to feel that anger is an unattractive and unhealthy emotion that should be suppressed and avoided. As a result, these women often suffer from a great deal of repressed hostility in their personal and professional relationships. They rarely become outwardly angry at people, and yet they comfortably undermine the confidence of others and act out in a passive-aggressive manner. Lerner's book promises to explore the nature of anger and offer sound advice on dealing with it — a question that becomes personal once you begin to notice similar patterns in yourself.

Anger as a Signal for Change

One of the most valuable of Lerner's points is that "anger is a signal and one worth listening to." This is directly contrary to the beliefs of many women who deny and silence their anger, apparently out of a conviction that anger is a destructive emotion. Lerner notes that women are commonly seen as nurturers and peacekeepers, and that expressing anger often brings about disapproval from others. In defiance of the common belief that anger is disruptive, Lerner argues that anger is a powerful signal for change — a valuable tool that can help women empower themselves.

Lerner argues further that denying and silencing anger ultimately makes women feel helpless and powerless. By suppressing anger, women deny themselves an important signal for change and self-determination. Instead of silencing that signal, Lerner encourages women to identify the true source of their anger. It is through this process of identification that women can begin to use anger as a tool for lasting change in their personal relationships.

The Cost of Suppressing Anger

In general, Lerner's observations about women's perceptions of anger ring true. Many women deny and suppress anger, and instead surround themselves with guilt and shame at feeling angry emotions. Women's anger is often threatening to others because it shakes what many consider the emotional cornerstone of their personal lives — the expectation that women will remain calm, accommodating, and self-sacrificing.

Lerner's broader point is that this suppression carries a real psychological cost. When women consistently deny their anger rather than examine it, they cut themselves off from information about their own needs, boundaries, and values. Anger, in Lerner's framework, is not the enemy of healthy relationships; the inability to recognize and articulate it is.

Conclusion

The Dance of Anger is a book worth recommending to any woman who struggles with how to handle anger. Lerner's work is valuable in that it frames anger not as a flaw to be managed but as a constructive force that can be directed toward meaningful change. The discussion about the value of anger, and the very real dangers of suppressing it, can be invaluable in helping women recognize and overcome potentially destructive patterns in their lives and relationships.

Lerner, Harriet. The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. Quill, 1997.