Declaration of Student Rights: A Satirical Academic Essay

Preamble: Students as Rights-Bearing Members of Humanity

Acknowledging that there is one governor above us, we the students put before his attention — and the attention of all — a list of complaints which should, being rational and true, secure a place of prominence in the mind of any person who calls himself a rational being. This Declaration casts no blame, nor proposes injury; its purpose is only to draw attention to the God-given, natural, and inalienable rights of students. For a student is no less a person than any other — and to view students as something less than equal to any other living member of the human race is nothing but an abuse of reason and an abuse of justice.

In justice's sake, in equality's sake, and out of a fraternal bond that separates us not but links us all together in this worldwide struggle for life, liberty, and justice, we give to you, Uber Chancellor Supreme, this reminder of the fact that all students are members of humankind — and that no member of humankind should forget the rights enumerated below.

The Right to Smoke in Designated Areas

Smoking is not a crime. Yes, some people find it an offensive habit — but smokers have for some time accommodated this personal objection. By removing themselves to a separate area of the campus — where non-smokers do not have to travel — smokers can engage in that timeless exercise sanctioned by centuries of practice. To suggest that smoking should be banned from an entire campus is to suggest not only something unnatural but also something detrimental.

The concern cannot be second-hand smoke, since second-hand smoke would remain separate from those who do not wish to breathe it. The concern, then, must be to extinguish the love of smoking from the breast of students who hold it. Such an act is nothing short of tyranny — for a person may have many loves, but no one can say which is better. Even if it can be proven that smoking is harmful and ought not to be practiced, we must remember what Benjamin Franklin taught in 1775: "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" (The Quotable Franklin). Liberty is essential to the human spirit — and to sacrifice it, in this case the liberty to smoke in a designated area, must not ever be traded away for the presumed safety of a few. A nation founded on liberty will not stand when its liberties are taken away.

The Right to Adequate Nutrition

Gruel and corn hash are not sufficient food supplies for any person, let alone students, who require a wide array of nutrients for many reasons. First, students are of an age at which their bodies are growing and developing and attempting to reach their fullest potential; to limit the body to such empty-of-nutrition food items as gruel and corn hash will seriously hinder the body's natural inclination to become strong. Second, to engage in the kind of intellectual activity so rigorously demanded of a university such as this one, students must have access to the most basic food supplies — particularly the five basic food groups: meat, vegetables, breads, dairy, and sugar. A can of Mountain Dew before an exam may be just what is needed to stimulate the mind to endure that final question. Serving only gruel and corn hash is an ineffective way to sustain the body's activities and a sure way to limit the mind's capabilities.

Thomas Paine makes very clear in The Rights of Man that to forcibly deny or limit that which is good constitutes an unacceptable abuse: "When I contemplate the natural dignity of man; when I feel (for Nature has not been kind enough to me to blunt my feelings) for the honor and happiness of its character, I become irritated at the attempt to govern mankind by force and fraud, as if they were all knaves and fools, and can scarcely avoid disgust at those who are thus imposed upon" (Walker). For the sake of honor and happiness, what is good for men and students alike must be pursued.

Conclusion: A Declaration in the Tradition of the Enlightenment

These, Uber Chancellor Supreme, are our complaints. This is our Declaration. A student is no different from any other person — and if, as Thomas Paine says, "These are the times that try men's souls," we prove that we are full members of humanity in this very Declaration, for it shows, if nothing else, how our souls are put on trial by the abuses of reason and justice committed by this university. The dignity of student and faculty, of support staff and institution, has been trampled upon — and awaits the lifting of your foot to resume its proper place.

Works Cited

Buchler, Justus, ed. Introduction to Contemporary Civilization in the West. Vol. 2. New York: Columbia University Press, 1961.

Damrosch, David, ed. The Longman Anthology: British Literature. Vol. 2A: The Romantics and Their Contemporaries. New York: Longman, 2002.

"The Quotable Franklin." The Electric Ben Franklin, n.d. Web. 21 Feb. 2011. <

"Thomas Paine." These are the times that try men's souls, n.d. Web. 21 Feb. 2011. <

Walker, Cliff, ed. "Positive Atheism's Big List of Thomas Paine Quotations." 2008. Web. 21 Feb. 2011. <