Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Book Review & Key Parenting Skills

Introduction and Background

Authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote their counter-cultural book on parenting tips and tactics before the term "counter-cultural" had become widely used in political discourse. In 1974, when the majority of children were being raised under the permissive advice of Dr. Spock, these authors focused on a different aspect of child rearing. They were significantly influenced by child psychologist Haim Ginott, who believed that it was the emotional well-being of the child that would guide his actions. Ginott, quoted in Faber and Mazlish's book, stated that "when parents are given the skills to be more helpful (to their children's emotional development) not only are they able to use these skills, but they infuse them with a warmth and a style that is uniquely their own" (Faber & Mazlish, 1974).

In Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family, Faber and Mazlish begin by discussing their experiences attending a series of parent workshops given by Dr. Ginott. "As parents," Ginott says, "we have to make certain decisions that represent our best judgment at the time. And the decision-making process does not necessarily have to be shared with our children; nor do we permit their evaluation. When a parent is clear about his rights, when he knows that guilt is an inappropriate response, then he helps his child gather strength and learn reality" (Faber & Mazlish, 1974).

This advice reminded one of the authors of a parenting incident in her own life — specifically, a moment when she had helped her child gather strength by not sharing her guilt. The incident involved her kindergarten-aged son, David, who had asked for a drive to school because it was snowing outside. Because there were two younger siblings at home, David was told he could manage to walk the five blocks to school on his own. Shortly after David left, the wind picked up and the snow worsened. When David returned from school that afternoon, he explained that he had been late because the strong winds made it difficult for him to walk quickly. The author admitted feelings of great guilt over the incident, but instead of sharing those feelings with David, she responded: "Wow! What a walk you've had! All those long blocks in that bitter wind. That took endurance! That's the kind of thing you'd expect from Abe Lincoln, not a six-year-old boy!" Rather than feeling weak or sorry for himself, David seemed proud of his accomplishment (Faber & Mazlish, 1974).

What is notable about this example is not so much whether the parent passed along her feelings of guilt, but that she connected with the child on the issue. The child was not blamed for arriving late to school, which would have produced inappropriate shame. The parent did not apologize for her decision, which would have placed undue power in the child's hands. Rather, she accepted the situation and stood her ground as the decision-maker, thereby reinforcing her child's appropriate dependence on her. Within the unchallenged framework of the parent-child relationship, she acknowledged her child's feelings and encouraged him for a job well done under difficult conditions.

Parental Authority and Emotional Connection

Permissive parenting approaches had dominated child-rearing advice for years before Faber and Mazlish offered their alternative framework. Diane Ehrensaft echoes Ginott's message about accepting the adult role: "We must stop abdicating the throne and accept our position as an adult. Children do not do well with deposed kings and queens for parents. To be good parents, we definitely must give generously of ourselves, but never give ourselves over to our children" (Ehrensaft, 1997).

This differentiation between giving of ourselves to our children and giving ourselves over to our children is the delicate line that Faber and Mazlish walk throughout their book as they discuss skills for building emotionally balanced and self-secure children. The approach — which encourages parents to remain in their authority role while also equipping them to connect with the child's feelings — is what sets this book apart from other works. Dr. Spock taught parents to reason with their children rather than correct them. By doing so, the well-intentioned physician instructed parents to abdicate an important role in their children's development: the role of the authority to whom the child is accountable.

Raising Children with Confidence and Capability

Faber and Mazlish address the question of how a parent can help a child move from being undependable to dependable, from a mediocre student to a capable one, from someone who seems unlikely to amount to much to someone who truly counts for something. The answer is at once simple and complicated: the child needs to be raised with the confidence that he or she can become dependable and capable, and that confidence is shaped by the way parents treat them. Part of that process, identified by the authors, is treating a child as if he or she already is what you would like them to become (Faber & Mazlish, 1974).

One of the most compelling passages in the book appears on pages 87–88, where the authors write:

"People have asked us, 'If I use these skills appropriately will my children always respond?' Our answer is: We would hope not. Children aren't robots. Besides, our purpose is not to set forth a series of techniques to manipulate behavior so that children always respond. Our purpose is to speak to what is best in our children — their intelligence, their initiative, their sense of humor, their ability to be sensitive to the needs of others. We want to put an end to talk that wounds the spirit, and search out the language that nourishes self-esteem. We want to create an emotional climate that encourages children to cooperate because they care about themselves, and because they care about us."

References

Brooks-Gunn, J., & Cox, M. (1999). Conflict and cohesion in families: Causes and consequences. Research Consortium on Family Risk and Resilience; Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Ehrensaft, D. (1997). Spoiling childhood: How well-meaning parents are giving children too much — but not what they need. New York: Guilford.

Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1974). Liberated parents, liberated children. New York: Avon Books.