Why Don't We Listen Better? Peterson's Talker-Listener Card

Introduction: Hearing vs. Listening

Of course, I know how to communicate — I know how to talk, and I can hear everything people say to me. What more do I need to do? Why should I read a book, in isolation, in the privacy of my study, that attempts to tell me how to communicate with others? Individuals who have such a reaction to the title of Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships by James C. Peterson (2007) should remember that there is a difference between listening and hearing, between really engaging with others in meaningful communication and simply exchanging words. Peterson's text attempts to give the reader effective strategies to improve personal communication processes. His approach can be useful to pastors, counselors, teachers, or simply anyone involved in a relationship who wants to improve his or her communication skills.

The book begins by examining why communication processes so often go awry. One of the core concepts of the work is that the more emotional people are, and the more emotionally attached they are to a particular point of view, the harder it is for them to listen. Their listening capability — if not their hearing capability — shuts down. Peterson calls this the "flat brain theory" of listening, where stomachs are in overload, filled with ego rather than openness. This causes hearts to grow bricklike and unresponsive to the emotional appeals of others.

The Flat Brain Theory and the Talker-Listener Card

The adversarial model of interaction — the courtroom paradigm — rather than meaningful negotiation of common views, is the primary mode of our modern culture. While courtroom battles may look like win-lose situations, they are in reality lose-lose. Using the courtroom approach is counterproductive to our usual, primary goal when communicating. In everyday life, our primary goal is not to be victors over others, but friends with our neighbors, loved ones, and colleagues. Reducing emotional disturbances, clarifying thinking, increasing self-confidence, and building supportive friendships are all essential to counteract our fallible and all-too-human tendency to fall into negative cultural and personal patterns of relating to others. Becoming a good listener reduces conflict and also makes us better storytellers and better people.

Peterson offers what he calls the talker-listener card — a kind of imaginary or invisible third person, a mediator to initiate dialogue rather than division. Playing by the rules of the conversational game, taking turns, and not engaging in combat like street fighters all ensure that the individuals in a communicative exchange are listening as well as talking. Peterson makes communication into a very literal game, complete with accessories and rules. During his communications workshops, he writes the words "talker" and "listener" on either side of a manila card. This creates a sense of role-play in conversation: no one is fixed in a singular role, which often results in frustration, and because turns must be taken, no single point of view can dominate.

The talker-listener card is reversed as the participants assume different roles. On either side of the card there are rules and reminders for the speaker's or listener's role in the exchange. For example, the talker's goal is to share thoughts and feelings, and is reminded by the card that he or she "owns" his or her problem — not the listener. Meanwhile, the listener is reminded that he or she does not own the talker's problem but must remain calm. The listener's job is to clarify, understand, and provide a safe space for dialogue without necessarily having to agree with everything being said.

Personal Reflection: Stories, Participation, and the Listener's Role

"Good listeners improve their stories." Listening is the midwife of interesting stories and sermons. One of the most inspiring examples cited by Peterson is his experience in an African-American church, which exposed him to an interactive form of communicating spirituality he had not previously encountered. The congregation frequently used a call-and-response technique when relating to the preacher, frequently saying "amen." This improved the relationship between the speaking pastor and the listeners, and made them feel as though they were engaged in a community — a collaborative process. It is not enough for the preacher/talker to get the message across. "We need help," said the African-American preacher, noting that after his sermons, his congregants frequently praised the performance of the church as a whole rather than the preacher's individual effort — "We did good." This sense of involved participation helped clarify for Peterson why the congregants at this particular church were so committed to their community and to making the church an important part of their lives.

It also indicates why learning requires a sense of activity and contribution on the part of the listener. Growing up, I was often on the receiving end of my father's stories. Although many of his stories were very wise, and I loved and respected him with all of my heart, he was of the generation where children were seen and not heard. I often felt that I had interesting stories to tell him, but he did not seem interested in hearing them. I hoped that when I grew older, he would grow more responsive and become a more attentive listener, but this did not happen. Gradually, I realized that the fault was not entirely mine as a storyteller, but was characteristic of the way he interacted with others.

Ironically, I think I was less — rather than more — responsive to the lessons he hoped to communicate through his stories because he never seemed to have an interest in my life. Also, his stories, which initially seemed so fresh to my young mind, gradually became dull with constant retelling. A great deal of this difficulty was generational, I know, but upon reading Peterson's book I began to understand better how to teach others: to listen to what they have to say, and to make them feel an active part of the process. It is not enough to be doctrinally correct. A pastor has to help the congregation member discover the rightness of the message of Jesus within his or her own heart and life. If the pastor does not involve the listener when teaching, preaching, counseling, or mediating a problem, the pastor sounds moralizing and self-righteous rather than like someone with a real message of meaning and value. When a teacher demonstrates genuine care and creates a sense of safety and heartfelt participation, the listener will want to become the talker, the teller, the teacher — and the speaker must feel self-aware and secure enough to allow such a transition of roles to occur. The teacher does not "own" the lesson of the story.

Conclusion: Communication, Community, and Meaning

Peterson's book is exciting on a number of levels. First and foremost, given the need to engage in productive interfaith dialogue, Peterson offers a non-confrontational approach that still shows respect for diverse and diverging viewpoints. Also, as more couples turn to counseling as a way of resolving their differences, Peterson's approach helps channel some of the stress and anger of modern relationships into more productive venues. Finally, Peterson's work redefines the relationship between pastors and the Christian community in a way that renders religion relevant to everyday life. Religious services and ministry are about dialogue, learning, and dynamic change — not merely asserting a static point of view. Religion is about communication, and God is present in the collective "amen" of the congregation as well as in a preacher's text.