¶ … Hummingbird
The introduction offers the outstanding metaphors of the hummingbird and the trees, as symbols of a more natural, pure world. Details including the cookies, Baldy, and other people at the coffee shop help to ground the reader. However, the narrative quickly becomes narcissistic. Too much self-reflection isolates the reader rather than drawing the reader into the story. The anecdote drags, and the reader wonders where the story is going and what, if anything, the point is. Nice turns of phrase like "anorexic trees" do not rescue a boring narrative. The dream sequence that comes next, replete with the imagery of falling, could be poignant if explored more in depth. Instead the sequence comes across as a lazy means of rescuing a failing narrative. Like the rest of the memoir it has no purpose, either. The dream sequence is interjected in the middle of two disparate segments of text. Nothing adds up or amounts to anything here. Imagery related to food and eating comes out of nowhere, too, and also goes nowhere. There are vague references to drug and food addiction, but the writer never comes right out and talks about it. Anger and emotions are mentioned but not explored. The hummingbird imagery that initiates the memoir is gone, replaced by a few choice metaphors and similes that the writer apparently seems to mistake for genuinely good writing. This memoir needs a lot of help if it is to grow into something worth reading.
For this memoir to improve, the writer must make the reader care much more about herself and about what is going on. It's nice to have good metaphors and similes; they are essential in any prose that attempts to be lyrical. However, no one wants to read a memoir about a random human being unless that memoir is interesting. This memoir has nothing interesting in it, save for a few well-composed phrases. The writer might be better off sticking with song writing or poetry,...
There are no characters the reader can latch onto and care about. The narrator is concerned only with describing little bits and pieces of life, without offering up a substantial enough slice to feel satisfied.
Memoir 2: "Single"
The first sentence is great because it is written in plain language. The second sentence needs some work, as "The cigarette I hold in my right hand" would be better phrased more simply as "The cigarette in my right hand." The three empty rhetorical questions in the opening paragraph need to be edited and cut into one. Rhetorical questions are often a sign of laziness in writing.
However, the minor issues with sentence composition and grammar are quickly dispelled by what is actually a compelling narrative. The reader genuinely cares about the character as soon as we learn that a breakup has occurred. Empathy and sadness draw the reader in. The dimension of multiple sexual orientations, too, enhances the issues related to romantic relationships and the narrative becomes more complex than it seemed at first. Drugs and addiction issues also make the reader want to learn more about the speaker and her friends.
This memoir has the potential to become a complete novel, if the characters are developed and the plot is planned out. Readers need to see themselves mirrored in their characters. All readers can find something to relate to here, when it comes to the sting of rejection, the nihilism of finding oneself at a young age, and the desire to obliterate the mind using any means possible. One line is especially compelling: "From time to time I think about sending her a text, calling her on the phone, but I refrain for fear of looking pitiful. I don't want her to know the truth, that I ache for her." All readers who have been in love, especially in unrequited love, know the deep ache of longing that attends to obsession with another.…
