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Learning about empathic communication is a mind-expanding experience. If I am completely honest, I have to admit that there is room for improvement in my empathic communication. All too often I have been guilty of listening autobiographically. More than once I remember myself listening to someone recount an emotional experience, and I could barely wait for them to finish, so I could jump in with "And let me tell you what happened to me." I now realize that I wasn't practicing empathic listening, I simply was not listening with intent to understand.
When listening autobiographically, I responded in one of the four ways that Covey discusses:
I evaluated, so I could agree or disagree.
I probed, asking questions from my own frame of reference.
I advised, giving counsel based on my own experience.
I interpreted, trying to figure people out, based on my own motives or behavior (Covey, 2004, p. 245).
Because these responses came so naturally, I never...
I know that I find it very annoying when someone listens to me in that mode; I can just imagine how many people I have annoyed. Instead I should seek first to understand, which begins with listening to understand.
When I read Covey's discussion of how people usually listen at one of four levels, I immediately recognized myself. I have been guilty of ignoring someone, or pretending to listen when I really didn't, of listening selectively and tuning into certain parts of a conversation. On occasion I have managed to practice attentive listening; but I infrequently listened with the intent to understand.
I also found Covey's prescription to diagnose before you prescribe to come too close to home at times. Too often I have been guilty of offering advice before I had listened…
References
Covey, S. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change (2nd ed.). New York: Simon and Schuster.
Hardee, J.T. MD. (2003). An Overview of Empathy. The Permanente Journal, 7(4). Retrieved from http://xnet.kp.org/permanentejournal/fall03/cpc.html
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