Interview With a Self-Identified Gay

Interview With a Self-Identified Gay Person

I chose to interview Mike (not his real name), a self-identified gay man, by phone. Mike has identified as gay ever since he was a teen. He was born on a dairy farm and grew up on what he calls a 'hobby farm' in a largely white, rural area. There were no 'out' gay people in the immediate vicinity. The town was small, homogeneous, and largely populated by animals. He describes his childhood being defined by his relationship with animals (pigs, cows, and chickens) and frequently showed animals at local fairs and competitions. His family worked hard on the farm, and the environment was relatively isolated. Issues pertaining to sexuality were seldom discussed amongst his family members. However, the environment was still loving and positive, and Mike was surrounded for most of his childhood by members of his extended family such as his grandparents and cousins, as well as members of his more immediate family. He also said that he learned a great deal of responsibility, growing up on the farm.

Yet despite the fact that his environment was relatively non-diverse, he describes his parents as eventually being very accepting. Although they may initially have had reservations about gay people before he 'came out,' their point-of-view changed when their own child revealed he was gay. "At the beginning they didn't like it [gay people], particularly my father…but when I came out, their perspectives changed," not just about himself but about all gay people, he said.

In other words, before Mike came out, his parents may have occasionally made disparaging remarks about gay people, but mainly from ignorance. When they came to know and love someone who was gay, their views of the issue shifted. Mike came out at a relatively young age, and did not conceal his sexuality from his parents, nor did he suggest that this was something that tormented him as an adolescent, despite the conservative area where he grew up. His parents understood this was something Mike could not change about himself, and they did not judge him in a negative fashion. The family's strong family values and the fact that the family was close-knit was more important than any prejudices the family might have had beforehand. Any negative feelings were based upon ignorance and lack of exposure to gay people, which changed once they found out that their son was gay.

Of course, Mike acknowledged, not all gay people are so fortunate and some are completely rejected by their parents. However, his parents, despite the fact that they were not exposed to gay-positive ideas, accommodated him and loved him. "They loved me for who I was." But Mike's first (now ex) boyfriend's mother totally cut her son out of her life, and now her son lives with his aunt and has not spoken to his mother since. "He had to make his own life apart from her." Sadly, according to Mike, this is not an uncommon scenario.

When I asked Mike about negative stereotypes pertaining to gay people, Mike responded that in the popular media, the idea that being gay is 'ungodly' is one of the most common negative conceptions about gays and lesbians. There is a common misconception that being gay makes someone perverted and strange, and that gay desire is fundamentally different from straight desire. Mike also said he was angered by the idea that gay people cannot raise children. "I would be a great father," he said, noting that sexuality has nothing to do with the qualities that make a great parent. (He joked that he was a great cook which automatically gave him an additional 'edge' on many parents).

Another common misconception is that gay people are more likely to be promiscuous than straight people. Being gay is not "all about sex and partying" it is fundamentally about love. Gay people are no more or less likely than straight people to be into 'partying' and every person should be evaluated on his or her own personal terms, not simply viewed in light of his or her sexuality. People may judge gay people based upon one or two false media images or one or two anecdotes, but they would not take the behavior of one heterosexual person to be representative of all straight people.

One positive aspect of being gay, Mike noted, is the extent to which it has made him more compassionate and tolerant of other people's differences. Mike grew up in a very homogeneous, non-diverse environment, but being gay taught him what it is like to be a member of a minority. Being gay made him become more accepting and tolerant of other's differences, given the extent to which he has felt judged in the past in a negative fashion, simply because he was not seen as 'normal.' He says he always tries to put himself in other people's shoes and tries not to judge other people. Just as the fact he was gay broadened his parents' perspective of the world, being gay has broadened Mike's perspective of the world.

When I asked Mike what words are acceptable and not acceptable to use when referring to gay people, he consulted his boyfriend and said that words like 'fag' are not acceptable, and that he preferred 'gay' to other terms but then slightly corrected himself. "We don't want a label on ourselves; we just want to be treated like everyone else." In other words, his sexuality is just one -- although an important part -- of his character. No one would ever judge a heterosexual person solely on the basis of their heterosexuality. No one speaks of 'my heterosexual friend.' But people still identify gay people primarily in terms of their sexuality. When I asked him if homosexual was an acceptable term, he said "why do we need another label?"