Learning About Empathic Communication Is a Mind-Expanding

Learning about empathic communication is a mind-expanding experience. If I am completely honest, I have to admit that there is room for improvement in my empathic communication. All too often I have been guilty of listening autobiographically. More than once I remember myself listening to someone recount an emotional experience, and I could barely wait for them to finish, so I could jump in with "And let me tell you what happened to me." I now realize that I wasn't practicing empathic listening, I simply was not listening with intent to understand.

When listening autobiographically, I responded in one of the four ways that Covey discusses:

I evaluated, so I could agree or disagree.

I probed, asking questions from my own frame of reference.

I advised, giving counsel based on my own experience.

I interpreted, trying to figure people out, based on my own motives or behavior (Covey, 2004, p. 245).

Because these responses came so naturally, I never realized what a barrier they were to effective communication.

After reading Covey's discussion of empathic listening, I now realize that I was "reading [my] autobiography into other people's lives" (2004). I know that I find it very annoying when someone listens to me in that mode; I can just imagine how many people I have annoyed. Instead I should seek first to understand, which begins with listening to understand.

When I read Covey's discussion of how people usually listen at one of four levels, I immediately recognized myself. I have been guilty of ignoring someone, or pretending to listen when I really didn't, of listening selectively and tuning into certain parts of a conversation. On occasion I have managed to practice attentive listening; but I infrequently listened with the intent to understand.

I also found Covey's prescription to diagnose before you prescribe to come too close to home at times. Too often I have been guilty of offering advice before I had listened to all the available information. And appropriately, the medical profession is acknowledging how a failure to diagnose then prescribe affects their profession. Dr. Hardee argues that empathetic communication is a teachable, learnable skill that benefits both the clinician and patient. As he summarizes it, "Appropriate use of empathy as a communication tool facilitates the clinical interview, increases the efficiency of gathering information, and honors the patient." (2003).

I found Covey's discussion regarding the Greek philosophy of ethos, pathos, and logos enlightening. As he explains, the three words contain the essence of seeking first to understand before moving on to make effective presentations. Ethos represents one's character, pathos one's relationships, and logos the reasoning component of a presentation.