Learning Separates Children From Their

Learning Separates Children From Their Parents

A child's pursuit or acquisition of an advanced educational degree can cause a separation between parents and their children for several reasons. First, adult children grow away from their parents as they meet new people and are exposed to new ideas on college campuses, and their parents might not always agree with or share their viewpoints. Secondly, adult children are at the final stage of asserting their independence as adults. As they walk away from college with an advanced degree and a hefty future earning's potential, their newfound freedom may assert itself in the form of temporary arrogance or disdain for their parents. Finally, adult children who attain master's or doctorate degrees might find themselves in the situation of not being able to relate to their parents when it comes to the most important aspects of their lives such as their careers or their research. Likewise, parents might find themselves intimidated by their son or daughter because of their advanced knowledge. All of these factors can cause a significant rift in the parent/child relationship.

Education drives a wedge between children and their parents beginning with the college experience itself. As children leave their family homes to attend colleges and universities, they leave the security of the nest and the safety of their parents' values. They soon find themselves barraged with new people, new ideas and new experiences. They begin to make friends, but these friends do not always share the same mores as their parents. They might also become exposed to new political ideas that are in direct opposition to their parents' traditional values. When children come home, they often see their parents differently than they saw them before they spent time in a university environment. By the time these children graduate with an advanced degree, it is highly likely that they will have to spend some time assessing their parents' values and comparing them to the values of their classmates. If the child ultimately sides with a traditional value system or can strike a balance between the old and the trendy, he or she is less likely to experience alienation from his or her parents, but if the child chooses to adopt the contrary values of his or her friends, it is likely that a rift will form between the parents and the child, and this rift may heal either very slowly or not at all.

Secondly, the struggle for physical and emotional independence can cause alienation between parents and their children, and this struggle can escalate as the child nears the end of the college experience. There are very few children who wish to entirely emulate the values, ideals and goals of their parents. Nearly all children experience the need to become individuals who are separate and distinct entities. When a child reaches his or her early teen years, this struggle for individual identity begins to form. The child may rebel against his or her parents. He or she may deliberately pick friends or romantic partners that they know will irritate their parents, or the child may also experiment with alcohol, drugs and sex as he or she attempts to experience life as an adult. These teenagers might see their parents as being out of touch with modern society, or they might accuse them of being unable to understand their tortured teenaged emotions. Eventually the hormone surges and the corresponding angst settles, but an adult child in the final years of the college experience is reaching the end of that elusive goal for independence that he or she has been working towards for such a long time. In the end, an adult child with an advanced degree might find himself or herself in the position of having far more education than his or her parents, or he or she might have the potential to make a great deal more money than the parents. The child will undoubtedly feel a heady rush after attaining the long-desired goals of individuality and independence, but this newfound joy in freedom may come across as arrogance to their parents. This appraisal is not always entirely undeserved. Children might feel that they are superior to their parents because of their advanced degrees and knowledge, not to mention their salaries. They might even feel a little ashamed of their parents because they 'wasted their life,' so to speak, or they might feel frustration with their parents' lack of desire to improve their own situations. This arrogance is usually only temporary, but it can last long enough to drive another wedge in between the relationship shared by the parent and child.

Finally, adult children who have graduated with advanced degrees often have difficulty relating to or even spending time with their parents because of the vast differences between their lifestyles. For example, an adult child who is deeply involved in advanced research may have difficulty relating to the relatively uncomplicated world of their parents. They may feel that some of their parents' activities are shallow and mindless and are unable to share their enthusiasm. The parents, despite the pride that they have in their child, might feel alienated because the child does not have a fondness for the things that give them satisfaction in life. In the end, it is likely that the child is far more comfortable working with colleagues in a laboratory than in sitting on their parent's sofa watching reality television.

Social gatherings and family functions can be difficult for an adult child with an advanced degree, not only because he or she might not feel comfortable at the gathering, but because he/she does not have time for entertainment or leisure activities. For example, an adult child who is a medical doctor may not have time for leisure social activities during the early stages of his or her career because of the demands of their hospital or clinic. If the child is unable to visit on a regular schedule or cannot attend family gatherings or reunions, the child's lack of filial attention might cause the parents to feel that their child is brushing them aside. This can lead to bruised feelings on the part of the parents and alienation on the part of the child.