Letter From Abigail to John Proctor in the Crucible

¶ … Crucible

Dearest John,

I am writing this letter in the hopes that I can explain myself and make you understand why I have done what I did. You are angry with me now and perhaps I deserve your anger, but you must know in your heart that your wife stood between us. We never could have been together so long as someone else called herself Mrs. John Proctor. That is a name that should be reserved for the one you love and I know that you never have loved her truly or else you would never have turned to me. Perhaps I am getting too far ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning. Please just read through this letter all the way through and by the end everything will be explained and it will make sense to you my dearest and you will have no choice but to forgive me.

Everything started out so simply. My friends and I were frolicking innocently in the forest. We weren't even doing anything dramatic or terrible. All we were doing was dancing and singing and making braids of flowers with darling Tituba. Oh poor, poor Tituba. You must take pity on her as you must take pity on me. Then my awful uncle came upon us and you know how he is. He began to scream and shout and declared that what we were doing was evil and the devil's work. I was so frightened. So was Betty. He scared her so that she had to feign a fit to get out of his wrathful hands! Before I knew it they called for that odious Reverend John Hale and he starts going on about how we have been involved in witchcraft! He threatened me my darling John. He threatened me with damnation and hellfire and promised that I and my friends would all be punished from God. The only thing I could do was cast the blame somewhere else or I would have been in even more trouble. He stood over me, towering in his robes of the clergy and demanded to know who had introduced me to witchcraft and devil worship. The first name that came into my head was Tituba's. Well, actually the first name that came to mind was yours but that is because you are always in my mind. Perhaps it is actually your fault. Could I have received from you even the slightest kindness that day in Betty's sick room I might have had the courage to stand up to that man. But no! You abandoned me and so I brought Tituba into the situation. She was the one who got us all dancing and fooling about in the woods when we should have been doing more productive things. I was not the one who said she was a witch. They were accusing me and I had to do something to get myself out of trouble and so I gave them the slave girl. From there things just seemed to spiral further and further out of control. Tituba was naming people and Betty was and I felt that if I did not likewise contribute then they would rise against me! Please understand John that I never intended to hurt anyone. It just was too much for me to fight against.

I'm sure that most of your present anger is not about the others, of Goody Osborne or the rest. They do not really matter. Only Elizabeth does. Right? If I had not accused Elizabeth what would then have happened? You came to me before because she was domineering and nagging and simply not the right kind of wife for you. You, the greatest of men, came to me and asked to lay with me. I gave you my virginity and soiled my body with lust. Then you went and told the court about us! How could you do that? Very well for you, trying to get your wife out of trouble but now all the men in this village think of me in terms of what you and I did. They think I'm a harlot, a strumpet. Your admission in court has forever sullied my name. Not only that but you told them that I was dishonest. You called out my actions in front of the court and could have gotten me into jail or even onto the hangman's scaffold. For that I should be furious with you, but I'm not. I forgive you for that because I know you only told them because you did not want Elizabeth to die. She is the mother of your present children after all and I know you felt the need to defend her because you are so good. Elizabeth is no good for you John. You have to see that. I mean she is still the nagging, haughty, cold and off-putting woman that she once was. Yet you chose her over me back then. That hurt so much but I tell myself it's okay because you and I both know the truth. You went back to her to honor your marriage vows, to do the right Christian thing. But after she hangs we can be together, you and I. You will see maybe I was right and she was a witch after all. That would explain why you went back to her, why you tell me you love her when we both know that you don't. Wouldn't that be odd, if she turned out to be a witch? You'll see! We will get married and raise our own family and everything will be wonderful.