Instead of using my body to communicate peace, calm, and a sense of self-confidence and self-worth, I did the opposite and mirrored her inhibition and slouching posture. In the case of my supervisor, I felt uncomfortable because of the subject I was forced to address with him, and his general demeanor. With a work colleague, I generally try to be less animated, and more focused on the content of my speech. I try to be still when a supervisor is speaking, to show my absolute attention, even though my nervousness can sometimes betray me. Regarding my supervisor, I wish I could have been more cool, calm, and collected, and more focused and meaningful in my use of gestures, rather than scattered and nervous in terms of my eye contact and use of hand motions. Had I been more forceful, I think the difficult message I was attempting to communicate might have been more clearly conveyed.

What I discovered about myself

My first discovery was the discovery of the importance of 'mirroring' -- I often find myself mirroring others in their nonverbal posturing, especially intimates like my friend. If someone is uncomfortable, sometimes I find myself shifting around in my seat. In the case of my friend, I mirrored her lack of eye contact, which did not convey the sympathy I felt for her situation. In the case of my supervisor, his relatively undemonstrative manner made me less forceful than I should have been in punctuating my sentences with gestures that reinforced my message. Physical mirroring can be sympathetic, but it can also result in not conveying my unique and important message to the listener. Physical mirroring can make me seem too passive. I need to be conscious of the degree to which I am mirroring others, so I can more carefully control this behavior, if mirroring my listener's body language will impede my message.

My second discovery about my communication style was how formal gestures can...

I embraced my friend after we finished speaking. Although I did not say all that I wanted to say in terms of my spoken and unspoken communication during our dialogue, at least my embrace was something that she could remember. Also, because the two of us are so close, she knows me well enough to understand that I care about her, even if I am not always able to express this fact directly. In the case of my supervisor, however, I cannot make such an assumption. I can only hope that a more general nonverbal language, like the way I was dressed for the meeting and my serious demeanor left a lasting impression and reinforced my message. Remembering to have at least one gesture or nonverbal technique to reinforce my overall message, when I cannot control every nervous 'tic' is important.
The final discovery I made about my interpersonal style was one of tone: one style of nonverbal communication is not always appropriate in all instances. It was entirely appropriate to embrace my friend, but not my supervisor. I think that tailoring my style to different people and different situations is one of my strengths, and being conscious of how to use 'big gestures' to make a lasting impression, like dressing well or an embrace. Monitoring my friends and supervisor's reactions to my nonverbal skills, in terms of how they respect my words and seek me out will enable me to be more conscious of all of these nonverbal attributes of mine.

Final reaction

It is easy to be more conscious of one's verbal rather than nonverbal communication, because what we say is often emphasized in our society, more than how we say it. This exercise was important and effective in helping me grade my nonverbal communication assumptions, 'tics,' gestures and habits, and to think of ways to improve them. Sometimes what is unspoken can 'speak' a great deal and leave a more lasting unconscious impression than what is said in words.