Civility by P.M. Forni

¶ … Social Importance of Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct by P.M. Forni

To many people, manners are afterthoughts. They are dainty relics that can be done away with when one is with close friends and family. Furthermore, those who place too much significance on manners are considered stuffy and as if they value form over substance. However, this view of manners is essentially wrong, because it views manners as an archaic code of formal conduct, rather than as the everyday social mores that guide behavior. From a sociological standpoint, manners are critically important. Manners are a society's standards of conduct. Someone who chooses to use what the surrounding culture has defined as good manners is showing conformity and respect to social ideals and values, while someone who rejects societal standards is showing disregard, not simply for that society's etiquette, but for the underlying values that led to the creation of that social rule or norm.

One of the interesting things about manners is that they do not have an official social enforcement mechanism. For example, it may not be considered appropriate behavior to spit in the street, but there is no legal mechanism to enforce that social norm. This has not always been the case in Western society, and some Eastern societies still attach criminal sanctions to etiquette violations, but the general trend is that social sanctions, rather than legal sanctions, are used to punish those who violate etiquette norms. However, in some societies, most notably in the United States, a growing subgroup of people seem to have confused the notion of having a legal right to do something with it being right to do something. Because no law compels a basic standard of decent behavior, some people have the idea that there should be no floor on what type of behavior is considered socially acceptable, and that people should not face any type of sanction, including social sanctions, for behavior that is somehow inappropriate or rude. Unfortunately, when a society begins to ignore the basic manners that hold it together, society begins to erode. The small kindnesses that seem trivial when examined one at a time actually serve as a powerful glue holding together a diverse group of people, so that people can function as a cohesive social group.

Part of this confusion is because manners have long been associated with class. This is not a coincidence; for generations, there were strict social rules about how people from different social classes should and could interact with one another. A person who violated those rules could be subject to serious sanctions, and those sanctions may have been social, civil, and criminal. Therefore, some people believe that the move towards a society without social class means ignoring anything that was linked to the class-based system, and thus ignoring the social rules that may have developed alongside the class system. However, showing the same level of basic courtesy to all people does the opposite of reinforcing a class system; it demonstrates a respect for all of humanity, regardless of the individual circumstances of the person being treated with the basic level of respect demonstrated in a courteous action.

That is exactly why P.M. Forni's book Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct, is so important from a sociological point-of-view. In this book, he discusses manners and what these little rules of civility do to enhance society. Forni's approach is a Western approach, but it is interesting to note that most of his rules apply to all cultures, if one allows for some tweaking to accommodate local rules and social norms. This is because Forni's rules are not based on some type of complicated social class ranking or caste system, nor are they based upon the archaic symbolism underlying certain actions. Instead, they are all based upon kindness. However, Forni, like many commentators, believe that many people have forgotten what kindness entails. According to him, "Long-established values appear obsolete, but to agree on what the new ones should be is a daunting task. Quite often we don't know where to look for standards against which to measure our efforts to be good citizens of the world. In fact, the notion of standards itself has been growing more and more problematic" (Forni, p.4). He suggests that his 25 rules, which are actually very basic, can provide a good standard for this type of behavior.

Forni's rules are as follows: pay attention; acknowledge others; think the best; listen; be inclusive; speak kindly; don't speak ill; accept and give praise; respect even a subtle "no"; respect others' opinions; mind your body; be agreeable; keep it down (and rediscover silence); respect other people's time; respect other people's space; apologize earnestly; assert yourself; avoid personal questions; care for your guests; be a considerate guest; think twice before asking for favors; refrain from idle complaints; accept and give constructive criticism; respect the environment and be gentle to animals; and don't shift responsibility and blame (Forni, pp. 35, 41, 44, 48, 54, 60, 64, 69, 74, 77, 81, 87, 93, 97, 100, 106, 110, 116, 122, 126, 131, 136, 141, 146, and 152). Forni's rules are so simple and basic that it may initially seem absurd for him to have written them out. Looking over them, the reader cannot help but think that these are rules that they learned as children, but that is actually one of the reasons that Forni's book is so useful from a sociological perspective. He does describe rules that most people learn as children. The basic rules of etiquette are those rules that parents, teachers, and other adults readily expect children to follow. However, at some point in one's life, it becomes acceptable to begin breaking these rules. Somehow, by the time that people reach adulthood, many of these rules become mere suggestions, and suggestions that people largely ignore. From a sociological perspective, one has to wonder about a culture that has come to demand more of its children than from its adults. This is especially true when one looks at the values that these rules convey. According to Forni, civility is respect in action. He thinks that people should always be aware that "no action of ours is without consequences for others" and, further, that people should anticipate "what those consequences will be" before acting (Forni, p.14). In many ways, this is essence of what it means to be a society; not only awareness that one's actions will impact others, but consideration of that impact before action.

At the most basic level, Forni believes that manners are essential for happiness. He thinks that part of the growing malaise in modern society is due to the way in which many people have abandoned even the pretense of good manners. According to Forni, "Harmonious and caring relationships foster a happy life. In order to build such relationships, we need the respect, consideration, and kindness that we easily grant to and receive from our fellow humans when we are civil" (Forni, p.14). Furthermore, Forni issues a challenge to the oft-repeated maxim that nice guys finish last. In today's ultra-competitive environment, there is a notion that being polite comes with a penalty, because others will take advantage of those they perceive as weak, and niceness is equated with weakness. Forni does not disagree with the notion that abandoning civility can lead to short-term success in limited areas. However, he does ask whether there is any real and lasting value in winning in that manner. He asserts that, "Nice guys don't have to finish last. Not if they are also smart, imaginative, dedicated, and persevering" (Forni, p.25). Looking at his statement, what is interesting is that he has listed some of the very same ideals that are considered to have helped form America. They have been at least as critical, if not more critical, to modern success stories than the ability to be competitive and cut-throat. However, they have somehow been ignored and abandoned. Forni does not go into a substantial discussion of why these factors have been overlooked in favor of competition, but with this observation he does bring up a very interesting point that should be pursued by sociologists examining modern culture.

In fact, one of the aspects that Forni addresses in his book is that, in modern society, people spend much of their time living among strangers (Forni, p.171). This is qualitatively different than living in a smaller social group, whether it be family or tribe, where there are intimate social relationships between all people in the group. While pumping gas at a gas station, surrounded by strangers, the thought may be that social behavior does not matter because there is likelihood that one will never see these people again. However, this life among strangers leaves people disconnected from society as a whole. Not only has it led to an erosion of manners, because of the idea that treating others with civility has no reward, but it has also led to pursuits of habits to fill in the empty space that close cultural connections provide. He seems to suggest that treating strangers like extended members of the same social group, which, in a modern society they are, will help erase the feeling of cultural disconnect that many people in modern society experience.