Closeness Communication Bias in Married Couples

Introduction: The Assumption of Shared Understanding

More often than not, we assume that what we are trying to communicate to those close to us is easily understood. We believe this because we are familiar with the other person and feel there is a connection that allows us to communicate with minimal language. This assumption, while intuitive, turns out to be one of the most common sources of friction in close relationships — particularly between romantic partners.

Closeness Communication Bias: The Research

According to Psychology Professor Boaz Keysar, most people believe that communication with someone they know well is more clearly understood than communication with a stranger. In a study Keysar co-authored, he calls this phenomenon "closeness communication bias" (HealthDay, 2011).

However, a study of 24 married couples indicates that this bias does not hold up. In the experiment, couples sat with their backs to one another and exchanged phrases that were not entirely clear. Rather than understanding what their spouses meant, the participants often missed the mark entirely. One example, provided by study author Kenneth Savitsky, professor of psychology at Williams College in Williamstown, Massachusetts, involved a married woman who said to her husband, "It's getting hot in here." She meant that she wanted the air conditioning turned up. Her husband, however, assumed she was making an amorous advance.

Savitsky attributes this to the belief that people who are close often think they are on the same wavelength, and as a result fail to carefully consider the other person's perspective. By contrast, we are more likely to use specific language when communicating with strangers, precisely because we cannot assume shared understanding.

The Illusion of Insight

Study co-author Nicholas Epley, professor of behavioral science at a major business school, calls this the illusion of insight. Being close to another person creates the illusion of understanding more than any true understanding actually exists (HealthDay, 2011). In other words, interpersonal familiarity can paradoxically reduce the care we take to communicate clearly, because we wrongly believe clarity is already guaranteed by our closeness.

Conclusion

Good listening calls for paying attention to a partner's feelings as well as words, and then letting him or her know that you understand what they mean. This sends a clear message that the person is important enough for you to take the time to listen and digest what they have to say. Effective listening involves close attention to the tone of one's voice, facial expression, eye contact, and physical gestures.

In turn, the person speaking should refrain from using negative words, phrases, or body language that can easily be misinterpreted. Thoughts should be stated specifically, with no assumption that a partner can read your mind. Doing so will help reduce the stress of miscommunication between couples and allow for greater openness and freedom in conversation.

References

Baugh, E. J., & Humphries, D. (2010). Can we talk? Improving couples' communication. Florida Marriage Preparation Series, Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences, Florida Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences.

Hamlett, S. (2010). Spouse communication techniques. Livestrong, section 1.1.

HealthDay News. (2011, January 24). Close relationships sometimes mask poor communication.