Empty Nest Syndrome, Loneliness, and Marital Infidelity

Introduction

In recent years, the topic of adultery has moved from hushed whispers behind closed doors to the evening news and presidential inquests. Adultery has been splashed across magazine covers and discussed on every talk show, and it is no longer the taboo topic it once was. There are many situations that trigger adultery, including empty nest syndrome. When children grow up and move away, parents are often left with an almost bottomless pit of loneliness and emptiness. This can cause someone to turn to outside companionship in an effort to fill that void, resulting in an extramarital affair. There are many reasons that an empty nest leads to an affair, and there are several things that can be done to counteract its temptation.

The effects of empty nest syndrome are far-reaching and varied, but before one can begin to understand its ramifications, one must first understand what the syndrome is. Empty nest syndrome is experienced by middle-aged parents when their children move out. After almost two decades of daily interaction with children — and of consistently placing the needs of children above their own — the sudden void that is left when the children move out on their own can be overwhelming.

Understanding Empty Nest Syndrome

In a sense, the healthy family "self-destructs": parents who raise emotionally healthy and independent children witness those children go off into the world to find their own place and pursue their own goals and desires. This is something children dream of and wait for, and something parents sometimes dread. When the last box is moved and the house falls eerily quiet, empty nest syndrome often begins. It is a syndrome characterized by loneliness and a feeling of emptiness. Knowing the teenager will no longer come barreling through the door, knowing friends are no longer spending the night, and knowing that no one will be asking for twenty dollars for gas because they have a date — these are things parents joke about hating, but when they end, parents often feel sad and let down.

Spending every day for two decades considering the needs of children, working their lives around their children, and putting the children's schedules ahead of their own is a habit that becomes firmly ingrained (Peplau, 1982). Stopping those activities and facing a future with no need to put children first can cause depression and sadness even in the most independent of parents. Middle age is a time of redefining goals and remembering all the things that were set aside for the children, but the quiet, the extra money, and the realization that half of life may already be over can cause a middle-aged parent to feel scared and alone — even within a marriage. Because society has traditionally placed the responsibility of parenting on the mother, it is often the mother who feels the full effects of empty nest syndrome, though it can affect fathers as well.

One of the most frequent manifestations of empty nest syndrome is loneliness (Peplau, 1982). Loneliness can cause many mental health issues that are not directly related to empty nest syndrome, but because empty nest syndrome causes the loneliness, understanding the ramifications of loneliness is important in this context (Rokach, 1997). Loneliness has been inversely related to measures of self-esteem and has been shown to be strongly associated with depression, anxiety, and interpersonal hostility, as well as with substance abuse, suicide, and vulnerability to health problems.

According to past studies, there is a stigma attached to loneliness that causes the lonely person to be perceived as spoiled or petulant (Rokach, 1997). This perception often prevents those who suffer from loneliness from admitting it or seeking treatment. Empty nest syndrome can cause intense and deep loneliness, thereby causing the middle-aged parent to feel profoundly depressed. In an effort to hide their lonely feelings, they may turn to an unhealthy relationship to combat what they are experiencing (Rokach, 1997). The extramarital affair triggered by empty nest syndrome can lead to divorce, which leads to increased loneliness, and the cycle continues (Rokach, 1997).

Loneliness and Its Psychological Consequences

As Rokach (1997) notes, "Although loneliness is recognized as a socially prevalent phenomenon that has been described consistently as very painful, distressing, and disturbing, a lonely individual is commonly regarded as 'deviant, as someone who is spoiled or generally undesirable.'" Consequently, because of the stigma attached to being lonely, most lonely people do not reveal — let alone discuss — their actual thoughts and feelings while undergoing the experience. As a result, it is the recollection of what it felt like to be lonely that is shared with others, including researchers, after the experience has passed, been abated, or accepted with resignation (Rokach, 1997).

In a recent study, 633 participants answered questions regarding loneliness. Within the context of their answers, their marital status and the ages of their children were noted. The age range extended to 79 years old, so many middle-aged parents were included in the study.

When asked whether they were lonely at the time of answering the questionnaire, 30% of participants indicated that they were. A subsequent one-way analysis of variance (ANOVA) indicated that the scores of those who were currently lonely differed significantly from those who reported they were not, across each of the five factors of the model (Rokach, 1997). A factor analysis of the two groups yielded five factors for the currently lonely group: Social Alienation (16%), Growth and Discovery (8%), Self-Deprecation (4%), Self-Alienation (4%), and Emotional Distress (4%). Factor analysis of the data supplied by those who were not lonely also yielded five factors: Emotional Distress (18%), Social Inadequacy and Isolation (6%), Growth and Discovery (5%), Self-Alienation (4%), and Interpersonal Isolation (3%) (Rokach, 1997). In each of these factors, empty nest syndrome could be a contributing element.

Conclusion

Empty nest syndrome can be debilitating for the parent who has devoted himself or herself to parenting for two decades. The silence in the house can be deafening to parents who spent twenty years asking children to please be quiet. The suddenness of the change envelops the parent, and the despair that follows can threaten their very sense of self. It is no surprise that empty nest syndrome can contribute to extramarital affairs, but if parents seek help for their feelings of loneliness, an affair can be avoided.